
No! Do not try to dry Fido in the microwave, either!
(Image from BadMovies.org)
I don’t make many off-topic posts, because there are too many personal blogs out there. My life is even less interesting than yours, so I’m not going to inflict that on you. However, there is one thing about me that you’ve probably already detected, and you read this blog either despite or because of it. That trait you’ve no doubt discerned is this: I hate stupid people.
I don’t mean those unfortunate folks who have a low IQ through some accident of genetics or environment. What I can’t stand are the intentionally stupid! You know the type. The intentionally stupid are the folks who have, by all outside indications, completely normal brain function, yet they choose to be idiots! They refuse to think! They refuse to use an ounce of logic or apply any critical thinking to most life situations.
One manner in which this inability to think manifests itself is through the adherence to primitive superstitions that violate all known facts. That’s why I do this blog. Fundamentalists drive me nuts.
So when I choose to write the occasional off-topic post, I hope you’ll bear with me. Or just treat it like it’s a Meg episode and change the channel. There will be a better Family Guy on next week.
So here is my Meg episode.

Cell phones are like fundies. I have absolutely no use for them, and they annoy the hell out of me.
I had a cell phone once. Everybody else was getting them, so I thought it might be nice to have one. What I overlooked was the fact that there was no reason in the world that I might actually need it. I guess I figured it was like the internet. You don’t realize that you need it until you get it, then you can’t imagine how you ever got along without it.
Well, it doesn’t work that way. At least it didn’t for me. I hardly ever used it. I was paying $30/month for the “convenience” of making at most one call a month. The deal breaker, though, is that I couldn’t get a signal at home. I live on the side of a hill, so I’m in some sort of weird cell phone shadow.
I ultimately got rid of the useless thing. I was happy to live my life like this, unburdened by the yoke strapped around the neck of the rest of you.

Woman with cell phone
The only problem is that my car broke down recently. Of course it chose to do this in the rain. While I was on my way to work. When I was already running late.
So I wandered around in the rain for 20 minutes and came to this distressing revelation: They removed all the pay phones! All of them! They’re gone!
After that incident, I decided I could tolerate getting a cell phone again just for things like car trouble. They have pay-as-you-go plans now, so it wouldn’t be quite as expensive.
That’s how I ended up with a new cell phone. I actually bought the thing a month and a half ago, and it has been sitting unopened on a shelf ever since. I finally decided that I’d better activate the bugger this weekend, so I can actually have it with me when I need it.
While trying to figure out how the thing works, I ended up reading the manual. That’s when I saw the “Use and Care” page. You know the drill: Don’t get it wet, don’t let it get too hot or cold, and this:

Why did they feel the need to include this? Is there an epidemic of people giving their phones baths and then sticking them in the microwave to dry like they’re an apocryphal poodle?
There were only six little “don’t” symbols on that page, and the designers felt it was important enough for one of those cautions to be “Don’t microwave the frickin’ phone!” Who the hell thinks sticking electronic devices in the microwave is a good idea?
I’m taking names here! I want to know who these retards are that Motorola is trying to protect with this notice. These people should not be allowed out of the house without a leash. I certainly don’t want them in my town or on my school board or in the voting booth!
Another Puzzle
I also have one more mystery I’m trying to figure out. This phone isn’t terribly well designed. Among its peculiar features are some truly cryptic icons. Take this, for example:

What the hell is that supposed to be a picture of? The only thing it looks like to me is a screw. That second picture looks like the side of the screw and also the overhead view. I guess they’re saying “You’ve got no signal! You’re screwed!”
The Yoke’s on Me
My main reason for getting the phone was for emergencies. I wanted to recharge it on the weekend and then leave it in the car for the week. But the user manual says this about high temperatures: “Always take your mobile device with you when you leave your vehicle.”
That wasn’t part of the deal! If I had wanted a small thing that I had to carry with me everywhere I went and couldn’t leave in the car on a hot day for more than three hours, I would have gotten a baby.