Bay of Fundie

We haven’t looked in on Bill Johnson and the American Decency Association in a while. Let’s see what they’re getting aroused over.

We have a couple of new email alerts. A few days ago, he sent one with the breathless announcement: “Calvin Klein back at it again: 50 foot p–n ad”

Apparently if you actually type out the letters p-o-r-n, your keyboard bursts into flames.

BJ is upset about this billboard in New York City:

He thinks it’s pornographic.

Yup. That’s all it takes to give BJ a boner.

By that standard, this scene from Ken Ham’s Creation Museum is pornographic:

Let’s get BJ and Ken Ham to go at each other. That would be fun!

In another email today, BJ screams:

Calvin Klein is not only using group sex on billboards but has a pornographic clip with group sex on its website.

Sweet! I gotta check that out! Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it. I looked all over. This is the closest I could find:

That isn’t porn, and it certainly isn’t group sex.

I really don’t know what we’re supposed to do about people like BJ. They see what doesn’t exist. You can’t fight crazy.

Which of these statements is false?

• Charles Lindbergh was the first to fly across the Atlantic.
• John Glenn was the first American in space.
• Charles Darwin discovered evolution.

They’re all false, of course. No scholar claims that any of them are true, yet there are some folks out there who somehow got their facts confused. I’ll get to that last misconception in a moment.

The Discovery Institute is always dreaming up new ways to sabotage American science education. They employ a whole staff in this endeavor. Among their Senior Fellows are Michael Behe, William Dembski, Jonathan Wells, and Benjamin Wiker. I know who those first three are, but Wiker wasn’t ringing a bell.

According to a short bio on Amazon:

He is a senior fellow at the St. Paul Center for Biblical theology and is also a senior fellow with Discovery Institute. He has written several other books, most recently Answering the New Atheism: Dismantling Dawkins’ Case Against God (co-authored with Scott Hahn) and 10 Books That Screwed Up the World: And 5 Others that Didn’t Help.

OK, so he has a religious bent, which might color anything he writes.

He has a new book, The Darwin Myth: The Life and Lies of Charles Darwin. From what I’ve seen of it, it should be subtitled The Life and Lies about Charles Darwin.

The Discovery Institute has been pushing this book for the last week. A few days ago, they told us that you can get a free chapter of the book! Here’s the pitch:

The ad makes the rather extraordinary claim that scientists are not allowed to believe in God. That probably comes as a surprise to the many scientists who do believe. Let’s see what else the ad says:

Casting aside Darwinism’s politically correct veneer, The Darwin Myth reveals:

• The Darwin Myth: Darwin insisted that evolution must be godless to be scientific

That’s just because he knew that natural explanations were sufficient to explain all of evolution. He wasn’t out to kill God. In fact, he knew his theory would throw a lot of religious people (including his wife) into a tizzy, so he withheld publication for many years. He was hardly an atheist avenger, as this ad implies.

• Charles Darwin didn’t “discover” evolution—he just put his name on it. (It was explored in the 17th Century, long before his time.)

Well they managed to get the first part of that statement correct. Evolution had been known for a while, because people saw the fossils. Animals were clearly changing over time. What Darwin came up with was an explanation for how the process worked. He also may have been the first to understand that evolution applied to all species throughout history and that everything evolved from a common ancestor. He was hardly just sticking his name on something that other people had discovered.

Throwing this statement into the ad is an interesting ploy. They’re trying to discredit Darwin in every way possible. If they can give you many examples of how he wasn’t credible or honest, then you’ll eventually start to doubt everything he said.

• Although not Darwin’s intention, Darwinism provides an open rationale for eugenics, genocide and racism

Speaking of discredited, there’s that hoary old myth. Interesting how they were eager to dispel the myth of Darwin discovering evolution, but they’re eager to perpetuate this one.

• Darwin’s own theory supported natural slavery—an institution he detested

This is a lie. Darwin’s theory showed that slavery was unnatural.

Anyway, I wanted to see what this book is all about, so I gave them one of my email addresses. There’s a little note somewhere that by giving them your address, you agree to receive their spam.

Shortly thereafter, my free chapter arrived. A day later came an email with an article by Pat Buchanan and a promise of more great articles by the likes of Ann Coulter and Newt Gingrich.

Uhh, no. Time to delete that address.

So anyway, I sat down tonight to read my prize. I must say, I’m very disappointed. This so-called “chapter” is only four pages long. I was robbed! I earned a real full-length chapter! I was exposed to a Pat Buchanan article trying to acquire it. Now I understand H.P. Lovecraft. His protagonists go insane if they see Cthulhu. I, too, have been subjected to an unspeakable horror.

Anyway, I read the chapter, and it’s just an introduction to the book. It hints at the anti-evolution lies from the ad, setting the stage for what the rest of the book is about. That’s about all I can tell from what they sent me, but it’s enough. Don’t buy the book. You shouldn’t have to pay for lies. You can get all you want for free from the Discovery Institute.

To answer the quiz: Charles Lindbergh was the first to fly solo across the Atlantic. John Glenn was the first American to orbit the Earth. Alan Shepard was the first American into space (on a sub-orbital flight).

Two things that both take a long time.

Here are a few things I found on the web this morning that I really like. First up is the one I really believe in (but not in a religious way, ’cuz we don’t worship him):

Next is a University of Johannesburg ad (Click to embiggen. Yes, it’s a real word.):

Finally, this is completely off topic, but it’s a brilliant stop-motion animation. Modern CGI can be quite good, but you have to admire people who still do it old school.

I don’t think I’ve actually been in a coffee shop in a really long time. I don’t know why that is. What this means is that I don’t actually know if coffee shops still sell gum and Life Savers.

But in olden times (the 1970s), they did. It was always in the glass counter beneath the cash register. I guess the logic was that you’ll probably want to buy something minty to cover up that putrid breath you’ll have after eating their miserable food.

When we went out to eat when I was a little kid, I would always beg for gum or Life Savers as we were paying the bill. I didn’t actually want the gum or Life Savers; it was just a Pavlovian response to stimuli. My mother would always refuse (I think that was her Pavlovian response to my stimuli.). She’d say “You just ate! You can’t possibly want any more.” Her track record on this was impeccable. She never bought the gum. At least she stuck to her principles.

Through the technology of blogging, we will now jump the story forward 8 or 10 years. I was now in my mid-teens, and I was out with my mother one day. I don’t know where the rest of the family was; it was just us. Maybe she had taken me out to buy clothes or something. Somehow we wound up at Denny’s. Those were the days before they sexualized their menu. It was just regular food.

The waitress brought the bill and departed. My mother picked it up and said “Oh! It comes to $6.66!”

I think I was only vaguely aware of the number of the beast at that age, so I wasn’t fazed. My mother said “Some people think that if your bill comes to $6.66, your money goes straight to the devil!”

I thought that was quite humorous. I wasn’t even sure why the devil would want our money. Maybe once he collects enough of it, then he can buy somebody’s soul with it.

She then told me the story of one of her friends, who was highly religious. It seems this friend was driving a little too fast on the freeway one day, and she got herself pulled over by the CHP.

The cop gave this woman a speeding ticket. Then she looked at her odometer. The last three digits were 666! Satan made her speed!

I thought this was also quite humorous. My mother seemed to think it was funny, too. She certainly didn’t give me the impression that she took any of it seriously.

My mother considers herself Christian. She’s just not one of those church-going Christians. She’s not even a “Christmas & Easter” Christian. She’s probably a “too-much hassle” Christian.

That wasn’t always the case. She is, after all, the one who dragged me to frickin’ church every frakkin’ Sunday morning between the ages of 5 and 10. Then she suddenly lost interest in my moral development, and I never had to go to church again! In the absence of God’s guidance, I’ve been killing puppies and shoving old ladies in front of buses ever since. Don’t be like me. Stay in church, kids!

Anyway, we had finished our lunch at Denny’s, so we went to the front register to pay the bill. I thought it would be slightly amusing to watch my mother pay her “soul tax” to the devil. But what does she do?

She said “I’d also like to buy a pack of gum!”

The latest Bad Reporter is pretty funny:

One of the web sites I frequent is Not Always Right. Readers who are in jobs where they must deal with customers send in their stories of stupid customers they’ve encountered. I guess I take solace in knowing that I’m not the only person who feels that he’s surrounded by morons.

Two days ago, I posted an article about cell phones. I was mystified by the “do not microwave your phone, you idiot!” warning in the manual. In the comments, I said:

What throws me is that I can think of a lot of stupid things to do with a cell phone (e.g., don’t eat, don’t insert rectally, etc.), so why don’t they put warnings against all of those as well?

And then, almost as if on cue, Not Always Right published this the following day. It’s from somebody who works in an electronics store:

(I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t—hey! It looks wet in there!”

Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

(The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you—”

Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

Here’s a really fuzzy YouTube video about Noah’s Ark:

Does anyone know where that is? I assume it’s in Turkey. That’s where all of the other fake Arks are located. This one even has a visitor center!

The best part of the video is one of the “proofs” that this is really the Ark. Eight crosses! One for each survivor.

So if the Ark predated Christianity by several thousand years, why are they crosses?

I don’t make many off-topic posts, because there are too many personal blogs out there. My life is even less interesting than yours, so I’m not going to inflict that on you. However, there is one thing about me that you’ve probably already detected, and you read this blog either despite or because of it. That trait you’ve no doubt discerned is this: I hate stupid people.

I don’t mean those unfortunate folks who have a low IQ through some accident of genetics or environment. What I can’t stand are the intentionally stupid! You know the type. The intentionally stupid are the folks who have, by all outside indications, completely normal brain function, yet they choose to be idiots! They refuse to think! They refuse to use an ounce of logic or apply any critical thinking to most life situations.

One manner in which this inability to think manifests itself is through the adherence to primitive superstitions that violate all known facts. That’s why I do this blog. Fundamentalists drive me nuts.

So when I choose to write the occasional off-topic post, I hope you’ll bear with me. Or just treat it like it’s a Meg episode and change the channel. There will be a better Family Guy on next week.

So here is my Meg episode.

Cell phones are like fundies. I have absolutely no use for them, and they annoy the hell out of me.

I had a cell phone once. Everybody else was getting them, so I thought it might be nice to have one. What I overlooked was the fact that there was no reason in the world that I might actually need it. I guess I figured it was like the internet. You don’t realize that you need it until you get it, then you can’t imagine how you ever got along without it.

Well, it doesn’t work that way. At least it didn’t for me. I hardly ever used it. I was paying $30/month for the “convenience” of making at most one call a month. The deal breaker, though, is that I couldn’t get a signal at home. I live on the side of a hill, so I’m in some sort of weird cell phone shadow.

I ultimately got rid of the useless thing. I was happy to live my life like this, unburdened by the yoke strapped around the neck of the rest of you.

The only problem is that my car broke down recently. Of course it chose to do this in the rain. While I was on my way to work. When I was already running late.

So I wandered around in the rain for 20 minutes and came to this distressing revelation: They removed all the pay phones! All of them! They’re gone!

After that incident, I decided I could tolerate getting a cell phone again just for things like car trouble. They have pay-as-you-go plans now, so it wouldn’t be quite as expensive.

That’s how I ended up with a new cell phone. I actually bought the thing a month and a half ago, and it has been sitting unopened on a shelf ever since. I finally decided that I’d better activate the bugger this weekend, so I can actually have it with me when I need it.

While trying to figure out how the thing works, I ended up reading the manual. That’s when I saw the “Use and Care” page. You know the drill: Don’t get it wet, don’t let it get too hot or cold, and this:

Why did they feel the need to include this? Is there an epidemic of people giving their phones baths and then sticking them in the microwave to dry like they’re an apocryphal poodle?

There were only six little “don’t” symbols on that page, and the designers felt it was important enough for one of those cautions to be “Don’t microwave the frickin’ phone!” Who the hell thinks sticking electronic devices in the microwave is a good idea?

I’m taking names here! I want to know who these retards are that Motorola is trying to protect with this notice. These people should not be allowed out of the house without a leash. I certainly don’t want them in my town or on my school board or in the voting booth!

Another Puzzle

I also have one more mystery I’m trying to figure out. This phone isn’t terribly well designed. Among its peculiar features are some truly cryptic icons. Take this, for example:

What the hell is that supposed to be a picture of? The only thing it looks like to me is a screw. That second picture looks like the side of the screw and also the overhead view. I guess they’re saying “You’ve got no signal! You’re screwed!”

The Yoke’s on Me

My main reason for getting the phone was for emergencies. I wanted to recharge it on the weekend and then leave it in the car for the week. But the user manual says this about high temperatures: “Always take your mobile device with you when you leave your vehicle.”

That wasn’t part of the deal! If I had wanted a small thing that I had to carry with me everywhere I went and couldn’t leave in the car on a hot day for more than three hours, I would have gotten a baby.