Today we continue with our examination of the cartoons published on the website of Hal Lindsey, Christian Zionist and king of Bible prophecy. The cartoons reflect Lindsey’s view that the End Times are nigh. He believes that all major events in the world today are proof that the events foretold in Revelation are actually occurring.

Last time, we looked at how those cartoons portrayed politics and church/state separation. Today we will look at what they think of the vast horde of secularists running society and oppressing Christians. In part three, we will look at how the cartoons depict Bible prophecy.

Secularism: The Stealth Religion!

Let’s start with a few definitions. Their definitions, that is. In the box on the left (it ought to be on the right, if they were being honest!), it says:

Religion: Belief in a Divine power (*but not limited to). Any system of belief, worship, conduct, etc., involving a code of ethics, values, and philosophy. Belief in a Creator and eternal life.

*Example: Zen Buddhism is a religion without a deity.

Their definition seems to revolve around three core ideas:
1. Belief in some sort of supernatural deity (but they specifically point out how even this point isn’t necessary).
2. A code of ethics to live by.
3. Eternal life.

This is setting up their claim in the other box, but let’s set that aside for the moment. I wanted to see if they were setting up their argument fairly, so I went in search of a neutral definition of religion. I discovered there are too many of them, but none is complete. ReligiousTolerance.org tried unsuccessfully to find a fair definition. They write:

Defining the word “religion” is fraught with difficulty. Many attempts have been made. Most seem to focus on too narrowly only a few aspects of religion; they tend to exclude those religions that do not fit well.

The rest of that page is quite fascinating. The upshot is that there are no good universal definitions.

That means that whoever is doing the defining gets to pick the terms. So in the case of the cartoon above, they pick the terms they want and, therefore, prejudice their argument to a foregone conclusion.

As they point out in the cartoon, you don’t even need their core idea #1 (a deity). That leaves you only with the ideas of a code of ethics and eternal life. I’m kind of surprised by the eternal life requirement. Is that a common thread in every religion? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any religions that don’t have it, but I’d be surprised if we couldn’t find a few.

So now let’s look at the box on the other side of their scale, which they have labeled “Secularism” (probably because “tools of Satan and oppressors of all that is Godly” wouldn’t fit):

Secularism: A system without a deity, but has a strict ethical code: no smoking, health issues, conduct, etc. Eternal life thru cloning. Darwinism. Gay rights, abortion, and other liberal issues recognized.

Well this is a total mischaracterization of secularism. There is no “strict ethical code”, because secularists are so diverse they can’t agree on one. The non-religious (which is what I’m assuming is the group of people that these comics collectively call “secularists”) span the political spectrum. For every Rob Reiner anti-smoking activist, you can find four anti-anti-smoking activists:

The most absurd part of their definition of “secularist” is:

Eternal life thru cloning.

WTF?!!

Where did that come from? The atheists among the secularists all agree that this is the only life we get. I won’t pretend to speak for the agnostics and the non-practicing, vaguely-sort of religious folk among this broad demographic, but I’ve never heard any of them say anything about wanting eternal life through cloning! Where the hell did these Christian Zionists get this idea—a Woody Allen movie?!

Anyway, the rest of the so-called creed of the secularists—”Gay rights, abortion, and other liberal issues”—are just that: Liberal issues. They aren’t a code of ethics, and they only apply to the subset of secularists who are liberal. I guess Lindsey’s acolytes are so far to the extreme right that everybody appears to be a flaming liberal to them.

The text below the scale says, in part:

The First Amendment states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” Therefore, no one religion should trump another. And since secularism fits all the definitions of a religion, it should be treated as one.

No. Secularism fits all of their definitions of a religion. No. Wait. Not even that. Secularism fits two-thirds of their definition!

I’m not sure when this cartoon was published. Michael Newdow was the California father whose suit to remove God from the Pledge of Allegiance made it all the way to the Supreme Court, but was thrown out on a technicality.

The final problem I have with this cartoon is that it seems to be making the case against itself. It depicts what I can only assume is a secularist standing upon the activist judicial system, and he appears to be propping up secularism, so it is the same as religion. But isn’t that the opposite of what these people claim? They assert that secularists cleverly use the courts to bypass elected representatives and get the secular agenda mandated throughout the land.

Michael Newdow Pulled the Trigger in Columbine!

Speaking of Michael Newdow, the failed attempt to remove “under God” from the Pledge is somehow responsible for every school shooting in the last decade or so. This cartoon doesn’t make any sense at all, because God is still in the Pledge! Using this logic, we can only assume that God is the reason for all of these school shootings! After all, the phrase “under God” was added to the Pledge in 1954. How many school shootings were there before 1954? None! How many since? Too many! God did it!

As you can see, logic is not a requirement to read or enjoy these cartoons.

Boston Globe is Exactly Equal to Palestinian Suicide Bomber!

This cartoon accurately depicts how the mainstream media, by blindly parroting the Bush Administration’s lies about weapons of mass destruction and Saddam’s ties to 9/11, allowed the United States to go to war in Iraq, where it met disaster.

Then How Much Paint Does the Bible Need?

This cartoon is so far off the mark it isn’t even worth discussing. But it shows how these people perceive science. The whole thing is just a scheme by godless liberal atheists.

That really sums up most (all?) Christian Zionists, and most (all?) fundies in general. They have their preconceived set of beliefs that make them feel good. Anything that contradicts those beliefs isn’t worth trying to understand. They can just invent their own impression of it, and then dismiss that. It’s so much easier than thinking.

First Freedom First is a joint project of The Interfaith Alliance Foundation and Americans United for Separation of Church and State. They have eight core issues that they’re focussing on:

• No Religious Discrimination
• End of Life Care
• Reproductive Health
• Democracy NOT Theocracy
• Academic Integrity
• Sound Science
• Respect For All Families
• Worship … or not

They have a petition on their website that they’d like you to sign.

Equally important is their upcoming event that you should consider attending: Everything you always wanted to know about separation of church and state but were afraid to ask. It will be simulcast in theaters in 37 cities across the country on the evening of March 26. The event is free. Go on over to their website for the details and to reserve your space.

3/20/08 Update:

Here’s a You Tube video about the event:

The Blog Against Theocracy is this upcoming weekend. If you have a blog, you should consider joining in.

One of these days, I need to write an article about Hal Lindsey. You might remember him from the 1970s, when he came out with his best-selling book, The Late Great Planet Earth. Hal is big into Bible prophecy. According to his book, the End Times were supposed to happen in the 1980s. Oops. Maybe if they had published an edition in Aramaic, Jesus would have read it and known when he was due. But he is coming back! Any day now! Really he is!

Everything Lindsey says, does, and thinks passes through the filter of Bible prophecy. Among the other awful offal on Hal’s website are cartoons about the current state of the world as it relates to the Earth’s never-ending-impending ending. These cartoons are created for Lindsey’s site by John and Patsy Rule.

As I looked through the archives, it gave me a riveting picture of what Christian Zionists like Lindsey and his followers believe. I thought you might be interested in seeing some of those cartoons.

Because of the size of these things, I’m going to break this article into three parts. Today we will look at how Lindsey’s followers view the matter of politics and church/state separation. Part 2 will examine what they think of secularists, and part 3 will look at prophecy.

When Fox News is Too Liberal

This first cartoon tells us about Barack Obama’s secret:

Obama is a closet Muslim! I know it’s true! I read it on the internet somewhere!

At least Fox News has the decency to restrict their libel to innuendo (“Is Obama a Muslim?”).

(On a strictly side note, don’t you love how everybody is now upset over the inflammatory statements made by Obama’s pastor? I bet many of the same people who think he’s a Muslim are upset about what his Christian pastor said!)

Many of the cartoons in the archive are strongly anti-Muslim. They depict Islam as a monolithic force out to destroy Israel and the West. They don’t bother to distinguish the dangerous radical Muslims from the less-hazardous non-radicals.

One way to determine whether a viewpoint is fair is to turn it on its head. What if non-Christians viewed all Christians as extremist wackos? How would Lindsey’s followers feel then? Oh, wait. Lindsey’s followers are the extremists! Nevermind.

Cutting God out of America

This is the recurring view of liberal politicians. They’re always portrayed as being on a single-minded mission to remove God from the government, the schools, and society in general. That’s all they do. The cartoons never explain why. I’m still trying to figure out what motive Christian Zionists ascribe to liberals. I guess the assumption is that liberal politicians haven’t found God (which isn’t true in most cases), so they’re controlled by Satan’s evil forces.

Never in these cartoons is anybody depicted as merely holding to another, equally valid, form of Christianity. The good guys are always the Zionists. Everybody else is a tool of Satan.

Well That’s Your Problem! You Used the Wrong Foundation!

It’s that God-damned Liberal Agenda again! Thank God the dreaded Homosexual Agenda was off at a pride parade that day.

If you can’t read the labels on the bricks, they say “school prayer”, “10 commandments”, “God’s word”, “Jesus”, “traditional marriage”, and “pro-life”.

The premise of this cartoon is flawed, of course, because the United States was not founded on Biblical principles. If it had been, then Mike Huckabee wouldn’t feel the need to overhaul the Bill of Rights. I mean, come on, folks. Maybe they could argue that the country has strayed from its roots, but when they—the Christians—tell you that you have to throw away the First Amendment, then it isn’t the “liberals” who are destroying the foundation of this country.

More Retirements are Imminent

This cartoon is actually pretty accurate. I forgot who it was, but one court-watcher said recently that he expects three Supreme Court Justices to announce their retirements within the next year. I want you to mentally erase three of those figures on the left side of the image and add three more to the right side.

It’s Motivating Me. Maybe Not the Effect They Wanted.

This one speaks for itself.

The 82nd Skeptics’ Circle is up at Happy Jihad’s House of Pancakes. There’s lots of good stuff there. My favorite is from The Digital Cuttlefish:

Translating from Creationist to English

I’m looking for a linguist who can help me with translation—

For it seems two different languages are used within this nation;

Much more tricky than Bulgarian, more difficult than Greek

Is the twisted form of English that Creationists now speak.

The only rule, thus far, that I have managed to detect

In the reams of legal documents I’ve gathered to inspect,

Is that any word among them that’s significant, has changed

To a wholly different meaning, through some process that’s deranged.

When they say, for instance, “family”, they often mean their church,

And “society” is meaningless without the phrase “John Birch”

This wholesale transformation of the language is quite ruthless;

When they claim that “it’s the truth”, you can be certain that it’s truthless.

Go see the Cuttlefish for the rest of the poem.

Last night, Comedy Central premiered Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil. I was looking forward to the show, so I tuned in with great anticipation. I was actually disappointed in the program. It had some funny moments, thanks primarily to Greg Giraldo, but overall the show wasn’t very good. I might give it another shot at some future date, but I’ve already pulled it out of the season passes on my Tivo.

The premise of the show is to find out who is the root of all evil. Lewis Black is judge. Two comedians act as lawyers and make their cases. On last night’s program, Paul Tompkins argued that Oprah is the most evil. Greg Giraldo argued that the Catholic Church is evilest. (You can watch a few clips on Comedy Central’s website) Tompkins’ case for Oprah was only mildly funny, but Greg Giraldo’s case against the Church was quite funny. He slammed the Church pretty hard. While I was watching it, I was thinking “I bet Bill Donohue is having a conniption right about now!” Sure enough, he did!

The (Only?) Catholic Fundie is Apoplectic!

This morning, I cruised by the Catholic League website to see just how bonkers it made old Donohue. Holy weird-shaped oil stain on my driveway that looks nothing like the Virgin Mary! There were two diatribes to read!

The first is a blog post from yesterday, before the program even aired:

The first episode, “Oprah vs. the Catholic Church” will ask whether the talk show host or the Bride of Christ is more “evil.”

I’ve never heard that term before. But if your nickname reminds people of the Bride of Frankenstein, then of course you’re evil!

According to preview videos and printed reviews, Black charges that the Church hinders “social progress”…

Oh, I’m sorry, Bill. I thought you were going to point out some fallacies.

…and that the pope gives lectures bashing other religions.

Like I said.

The program features abundant jokes about molester priests. One would hope that a network devoted entirely to comedy would be able to come up with a few new gags rather than rely on the old bigoted chestnut about the priest and the altar boy.

You know, Bill, if the molestations had been an isolated incident, you’d have a point. If it had been one aberrant priest, you’d have a point. If it had only happened over a short time period, you’d have a point. If there had only been a few victims, you’d have a point. But none of those things is the case! The Catholic Church knew about these incidents and allowed them to continue. The Catholic Church actively covered up these incidents and moved the priests to other parishes, where they could find fresh meat. What the Church did was abhorrent. It’s going to take many decades for these wounds to heal, and until that time, your Church must be reminded constantly that civilized societies do not tolerate this behavior. For an institution that holds itself up as a bastion of morality, it did one of the evilest things imaginable. So no, Bill, we are not going to forget it and move on.

Not as Ugly as the Church’s Behavior

Now let’s move on to the press release that Bill Donohue issued today, entitled “Lewis Black’s Show Gets Ugly”. What’s truly amazing is that their press release links to a partial transcript of the show. This is supposed to show you how terrible it was and how harshly and unfairly they maligned the Church.

It actually accomplishes the opposite. The transcript is hilarious, and it makes a compelling case that the Church is evil. Bill Donohue has actually defeated his own case by posting the transcript. I’m also going to repost the transcript at the end of this article in case old Bill realizes what he’s done and pulls it down.

Let’s now look at the meat of today’s press release:

Catholic League president Bill Donohue raised questions about [the show] today:

No group in the U.S. sexually molests minors more than public school teachers; their rate is estimated to be 100 times that of Catholic priests (see the work of Dr. Charol Shakeshaft.) Moreover, the teachers unions still make it near impossible to fire a molesting teacher. Yet it wasn’t the public school industry that was labeled evil by the show, it was the Catholic Church.

What? That’s the best you can do, Bill? “It’s OK! We can molest! As long as we’re not the #1 molester, it’s OK!”

Radical Muslims behead their enemies, real and contrived, terrorize non-combatants, run planes into buildings, shoot nuns in the back, kidnap and kill bishops, burn churches to the ground, legally murder those who want to convert, but no one associated with Lewis Black’s show has the guts to get them.

This quote and the one above are typical examples of what Bill likes to do. He cites somebody who is worse, then expects to get a free pass for his own behavior.

I get that criticism for this blog. Because radical Muslims are more dangerous than radical Christians, I should leave the poor Christian fundies alone. Fundie season is closed until the radical Muslims are wiped out. Sorry. Doesn’t work that way. You have oppose all threats, not just the biggest. I go after the Christians, because other folks are tackling the Muslims.

In the case of the Lewis Black show, they take on different subjects each week. I think next week it’s Donald Trump and Viagra. I’m sure they’d do a program about radical Islam as well, if they weren’t afraid of getting blown up in retaliation. I guess that’s Donohue’s problem. The Catholic Church was targeted because they’re merely evil, not super-evil. You’re going about this all wrong, Bill! You’ll never get people to stop making fun of the Catholic Church by issuing press releases! You have to blow them up!

So instead they rip the Catholic Church for its role during the Inquisition. And that role, if truth be told, was miniscule compared to the role of the civil authorities.

No, Bill. Stop rewriting history. The Catholic Church was the civil authority.

Indeed, the role of the Catholic Church back then, as compared to the role of radical Muslims today, was positively angelic.

Yes, if by “angelic” you mean like a fallen angel.

The worst part of the show was the assault on Our Blessed Mother and Pope Benedict XVI.

He then quotes some very funny lines from the show. Since those lines are included in the transcript below, along with some other very funny stuff, I’ll just direct your attention there.

Bill finishes his diatribe with a request that we all write to Comedy Central and express our outrage. I want to know where we can write in order to express our outrage over Bill Donohue.

Here is the partial transcript of the program that Bill Donohue actually posted on his website. Most of the jokes are fair criticisms. If Donohue doesn’t like it, he’d better clean up the Church. If there’s nothing to criticize, the jokes will stop on their own.

Comedian Greg Giraldo, making the case against the Catholic Church:

Did I mention the boy fucking? A couple of years ago the Catholic Church held a two-week conference to discuss what should be done about the sexual molestation claims. Two weeks. What are they talking about? ‘Let’s stop diddling kids fellas, what do you say?’ That’s what, half hour tops? Somebody proposed a one strike and you’re out rule. One strike and you’re out. And it was voted down! They debated it, and it lost. Someone actually got up and said, ‘Look we’re not going to kick a guy out for knob gobbling just one kid. I mean that’s not fair to the guys with a lot of hot kids in their parish. Maybe we will just move them to a place with uglier kids.’ It’s awful. Dioceses in Tucson, Portland, and San Diego, just to name a few, have gone bankrupt defending these molestation claims. The Catholic Church is sack tickling its way into bankruptcy.

The Catholic Church is also evil, because it has such a grip over the mindless masses that they’ll wait in line, thousands of them in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of a pork rind in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Then there is the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary. God impregnated Mary. We have a whole religion based on one woman who really stuck to her story.

And let’s not forget the Inquisition. In the 1400s, Jews and Muslims in Spain were forced to convert to Catholicism. And to test the sincerity of these conversions, thousands were tortured. Let’s say you were acting a little Jewy. You know, maybe you complained about your entree. Or, you know, ‘Paco, it is a little moist. Could you towel it off for me?’ Next thing you know, they put you in one of these [shows picture of torture instrument]. Yes that is called the head crusher. I think it was used to crush your head. These are actually implements of torture that were used by the Catholic Church. How about this one [shows another device]? It is called the breast ripper. Yeah, I think it was used to rip you breast. Sometimes they would try and soften the blow. They would say, ‘Hey, good news is you get to sit down. Bad news is you have to sit on this.’ [Shows a chair with a pyramid-shaped spike on it.] Yeah that was called the Judas Cradle. I guess ‘ass shredder’ was already taken.

Additional quotes:

Lewis Black: Greg you have been babbling on about the Catholic Church and you haven’t mentioned the pope. Do you even know who he is?

Giraldo: Ah, yes I know who he is, and the pope to me is a hypocrite in his Prada loafers and his ball gown. How can he condemn homosexuality when he dresses like he is on his way to nickel cosmo night at the Veiny Shaft Tavern?

And this:

Black: I read in Parade magazine that the Catholic Church is letting people use condoms now.

Giraldo: What did happen was because of the crisis in Africa, the Catholic Church considered allowing people to use condoms. If they were married and if one of the partners had AIDS. HAHAHA. A loophole. ‘Well we can’t have any more kids, we live on two bucks a month, and we are running out of mud pies to feed them. One of us is going to have to get AIDS.’

In 2005, John McCain sponsored legislation to ban torture. The bill actually passed and was signed into law by Bush. McCain has a very good reputation on anti-torture issues. A reputation that is undeserved.

McCain’s law specifically exempted the CIA.

On Saturday, Bush vetoed a bill intended to close that loophole. John McCain supports that veto. Mr. Anti-Torture is the only presidential candidate who advocates the use of torture.

Some of you may not be happy with our choices in this election. I agree. We have two right-wing Democrats vying for the opportunity to compete against a far-right Bush clone in November. This is how democracy works. If you’re going to live in a country predominantly populated by right-wing islamo-homo-xeno-freedom-phobes, all you’re going to get are candidates who reflect those values.

All you can do in the election booth is try to tug the country just the slightest bit away from the values of hate and fear. The alternative is to be like McCain. Publicly pretend that you stand for one thing while actually supporting the opposite. If you do not vote for the Democrat in November, even if you stay home, you are voting to further enable the radical right and their campaign to destroy the values that this country used to stand for.

Outside of the voting booth, we have to continue to educate the populace and bring their attention to the important matters. Not everybody who voted for Bush fully understood the consequences of their actions. Not everybody who will vote for McCain really wants a perpetual war in Iraq or warrantless domestic spying. They’re fooled by the rhetoric and the slick commercials. We have to let these people know that what they think they are voting for is nothing like what the candidate really stands for.

Your efforts to educate the misinformed may only have a small effect in this election, because the best we can hope to achieve is putting a regressive Democrat into the White House.

The real struggle is for the long term. We have to keep pulling to the left. We have to keep pulling people away from the anti-American values of the right wing. Eventually, if we succeed, we will bring enough of the populace back to their senses that we will have real choices in future elections.

(The full article about McCain the Torture King is at SF Gate.) (via The Sideshow)

Ron Brown sent me an email about a contest he’s having over at his blog, The Frame Problem. He writes:

It’s a contest to cite the funniest piece of scripture from any practiced world religion/cult. The winner (as determined by reader votes) will get to choose the God of the Day on The Frame Problem later this month.

He only has a few entries so far, so get on over there and submit something!