I don’t know if I’m going to make this a monthly feature or not. Fundies Say the Darndest Things is a pretty funny web site. If you don’t go by there occasionally, you’re missing out on some great entertainment. Every day, the site collects some of the craziest things that fundies say around the internet and republishes it in one convenient location. I actually find the site to be too much to take in anything but small doses. If you’re exposed to too much stupidity in too short a time, your brain will liquify and drain out of your ears.

To reduce this risk, I like to go by at the end of every month and just read the posts that have been given awards for exceptional fundieness. I’ve collected a few of my favorites from December, and I’m reprinting them below. This is not all of December’s award winners. I recommend that you go by FSTDT and check them all out. But remember, don’t stay too long!

In the posts below, you will notice a lot of misspellings. This is a fundie trademark. If their brains had the capacity to correctly process the English language, they might also be capable of processing an intelligent thought.

Bizarre Creationist Assertion of the Month

(Posted by oliver on RichardDawkins.net, on [2006-Dec-27])

“And just how did the Dinosaurs die 4000 yrs ago? Well, dinosaurs have very small nostrils which means that back then (4000-yrs ago), there was a very high oxygen content. Now maybe, just maybe that some time after the flood when dinosaurs populated the Earth again, conditions deteriorated resulting in suffocation. This is all to obvious but Science has to complicate it”

The image on the left depicts the creationists’ view of how dinosaurs survived Noah’s flood. It also proves the logic of the fundie’s remark. As you can see by this image, the dinosaur has barely perceptible bumps for nostrils, and there are no visible holes for the air. They must be very small to not appear in the photograph. This means that the pre-flood atmosphere must have been extremely rich with oxygen, maybe approaching 100%. It’s a good thing that Exodus occurs after the flood. I’d hate to see how fast that bush would burn in a pure oxygen environment.

Another possible explanation for how the dinosaur in the picture on the left is able to survive without nostrils is that he is a mouth-breather, much like many fundies.

The image on the right, based entirely on strange things called “facts”, is clearly absurd. It shows a dinosaur who is perfectly capable of breathing our normal atmosphere, just like any other animal. We can instantly reject this image, because facts are annoying things that just get in the way of delusional fantasies. If God had wanted us to believe in facts, he wouldn’t have given us such active imaginations.

Just in case you harbor any sympathies to the crazy quote above, here’s an article with more information about “dinoses”.

Pot and Kettle Prize

(proverbs3, faceparty [2006-Dec-19])

“it is written in the bible that god took a rib from adam and used it to form a eve. why wouldnt it be true? i mean are you suggesting we evolved? where is the proof? its not there.”

The following video (part 1 of 2) may actually show the above person at home with his family, as they discuss the origins of life. (YouTube page is here.)

No Shit, Sherlock Award

(AV1611VET, Christian Forums [2006-Dec-25])

“I’m ignorant as the day is long when it comes to science in general and evolution specifically.

I carry a Bible — not a clipboard.”

This person is probably also in the same video (here’s part 2 of 2). (YouTube page is here.)

Well, At Least He’s Honest Award

(JesusWalks78, Christian Forums [2006-Dec-01])

“If God ordered me to slaugter a whole nation, I would at least try to.”

Feel That Christian Lurve

(Chris Chen, Divine Interventions Guestbook [2006-Dec-14])

“God is love, and I pray you rot in hell for such filth and hatefulness. George W. Bush will put an end to sites such as yours. There can not be freedom without knowing right from wrong. People fought and died for the US FLAG and all it’s AMERICAN values.”

Proudly Marching Into the 16th Century Award

(disruptor, 123 Christian Forums [2006-Dec-06])

“AIDS is caused by immoral behavior, not by a virus.”

Racist Fuckwad of the Month

(HeWillReturn, 123 Christian Forums [2006-Dec-06])

“But seriously, I really like this idea. It is like a big sign that tells us who the worse sinners are. Africans have the highest percentage of AIDS. They must generally be horrible sinners! Makes you wonder why God even made them.”

Saddest Post of the Year
(Betty, Unidiversal [2006-Dec-10])

“Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn.

Bobby said he’d been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of “I knew you wouldnt understand! You’re just like everyone else!” before running to his room and slamming the door.

What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I’ve dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he’s the one who’s feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its ‘ok’ to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem ‘cool’ and ‘hip’ and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didnt have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I dont want to sound like a fanatic, but Im worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth.

Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son

Note: the boy eventually took his own life.

Our good “friend” Bill Johnson of the American Decency Association has published his year-in-review (note that this link is a PDF), in which he congratulates himself for annoying the hell out of the rest of us. It’s a big document, so let’s get started mocking it!

“It Must be Pornographic! I Can See an Ankle!”

In the early days of January, we found ourselves engaged in the highest profile battle of the year. A person in the Detroit area expressed concern regarding a pornographic calendar associated with the Detroit Pistons: their dance team, “Automotion.”

Is that all it takes? One moron out of an entire metropolitan area has a conniption over something, and you guys go nuts? BJ goes on to say that the calendar uses “erotic models”. Umm…, which is it, BJ? Pornographic or erotic? There’s a huge difference, you know (Actually, you probably don’t. That’s part of the problem.).

Now I haven’t seen this calendar that you are so upset about; funny thing, that. You don’t provide any images of the calendar to support your claims (you can obscure the naughty bits, you know; there’s this neat program called Photoshop), nor do you provide any links. I’m just supposed to believe you?

I find it hard to believe that a professional sports team would be publishing pornography. I’d be willing to bet that the calendar is just scantily-clad women. Just because you’re a eunuch doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Just because you can’t get aroused looking at big breasts in small bikinis doesn’t mean that you get to take that minor pleasure from the rest of us. Or is that your problem? You do get aroused, and it scares you. Sex is always dirty and the work of Satan.

Detroit News ran an informal poll regarding whether the “Automotion” calendar was pornographic. Over 50% stated it was inappropriate.

Hey, asshat! The short bus is here to take you to the “special class”! If you’re going to quote a statistic, it ought to back up your assertion! The first sentence says that the question was whether the calendar was pornographic. The second sentence says that most people thought it was inappropriate. Did you even go to school? Look at this:

pornographic ≠ inappropriate

The calendar may well be inappropriate. That is a conversation worth having, but you just stated that the majority of Detroit residents disagree with you! They said it isn’t pornographic! Jeeeeeezzzzz! What a retard!

Merger

(Photo: Loretta Detamore president of Muskegon Morality in Media with Bill Johnson)

Loretta Detamore, president of Muskegon Morality in Media, led their local MIM affiliate with heart, soul and mind since the mid-80’s.

I think you’ve got a typo there, BJ. Based on the above picture, I think you mean “…since her mid-80’s.”

In a final meeting on November 2, Mrs. Detamore presented a white ribbon bouquet to Bill Johnson, president of ADA, symbolizing the merging of the two decency groups.

Holy Jebus! That goes against the laws of Gawd!! Marriage is only between a man and a woman! Two whole groups can’t get married! You people are always trying to violate the sanctity of marriage!

“They’re Showing Skin! Well, Not Skin Exactly…”

BJ continued his campaign against loose morality in mannequin-Americans.

February 2, 2006 — Victoria’s Secret — Displaying full cleavage shot and nearly-nude mannequin

The only type of person who is offended by a “nude” mannequin is the type who is secretly aroused by it. What’s wrong, Bill? Did your Sally Suck-Me-Off deflate?

“I May Be a Dick, But I’m Jesus’ Dick!”

ADA continues its thankless but important monitoring on a variety of fronts.

Tell you what, BJ. Why don’t you reread that sentence. It should be easy, considering that you wrote it. What word jumps out at you? No, not “important”! Whoever said that what you do is important? Look again. That’s right, “thankless”!

Here’s a clue about living among other people. If nobody thanks you for something, then maybe it’s because nobody wants you to do it!!!!

ADA remains faithful to monitoring and reporting our results in regard to:
Victoria’s Secret (wall and window displays and its so-called “Fashion Show” coming up on December 5); ABC/Disney’s “Desperate Housewives” and “Grey’s Anatomy”; Fox’s “Family Guy”, “American Dad”, “War at Home”, and indecency at the checkout counter including “Cosmo” and, “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition”.

I have nothing funny to say about the above paragraph. I just thought you’d want to know what these pinheads think is important. I’m sure glad I voted for them to be the morality police. Oh, wait! I didn’t!

I have maintained for years that Christmas was bad. Never mind the fact that the so-called “Christmas Story” a.k.a. “The Greatest Story Ever Sold Told” is a complete fabrication. Santa is a lie too, but you can still enjoy the story. I guess the difference is that everybody over the age of 5 knows that Santa is fake. Most adults are still under the God Delusion (hey, that would make a great title for a book!).

At least 20 years ago, I determined that Christmas was bad for people, the environment, and the economy. I’ve been saying that ever since, and people just call me Scrooge or the Grinch. That has nothing to do with it. If you people weren’t so afraid to look in the mouths of your sacred cows every once in a while, you’d be better off.

Christmas is bad for people, because stress levels go up in almost everyone. It’s bad for the environment, because of all of the useless crap that people give each other that just ends up on a shelf and finally in a landfill. It’s bad for the economy, because it perpetuates the consumption model of economics. You can’t spend your way into prosperity.

That last point is a biggie. Most economists seem to believe that consumption is the only way you can have an economy. That way leads to depletion of resources. What the hell do you think we’re going to eat in 30 years, once we’ve depleted the oceans? Forget about the environment. Be selfish and think about yourself for once. What are you going to eat?

I contend that we could easily come up with an economic model based on sustainable consumption. The current system is not it.

Finally! An Economist Who Agrees with Me!

I was thrilled to come across a recent article in The New Republic that completely vindicates me. It’s written by some guy named James S. Henry. TNR calls him an economist. Over on Amazon, he’s called an “economic journalist”. Whatever. He seems to have at least some credibility.

There is something weird about this article, though. I think it’s about 20 years old. He talks about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters. Nevertheless, he raises some good points, all of which back up everything I’ve been saying all this time.

Go on over to The New Republic and read the article. If that link doesn’t work, use this one, but you’ll have to register (it’s free). To whet your appetite, here’s one of his opening paragraphs:

Although for many years Christmas has been justified on the grounds that it is “merry,” rigorous quantitative analysis establishes that the opposite is the case. Despite claims advanced by proponents that the holiday promotes a desirable “spirit,” makes people “jolly,” etc., the data show that the yuletide time period is marked by environmental degradation, hazardous products and travel, and—perhaps most important—inefficient uses of key resources. The holiday is an insidious and overlooked factor in America’s dwindling savings rates, slack worth ethic, and high crime rates. Nor does Christmas truly fulfill its purported distributional objective: the transfer of gifts to those who need them. Moreover, the number of people rendered “joyous” by Christmas is probably equaled or excelled by the number made to feel rather blue. In short, as shown below, although Christmas is an important religious observance that provides wintertime fun for children (who would probably be having fun anyway), it fails the test of cost-effectiveness.

Sheesh! I didn’t want this to turn into just a video blog. I like video and audio, and I will continue to post them when I find noteworthy ones. I promise that the next posting will be a regular rant. In the meantime, let’s get a bunch of these videos out of the way.

I’m placing them in order of importance. If you lack the time or desire to watch them all, just start watching them in the order presented here and give up when you lose interest.

This first one is the best of the bunch. Richard Dawkins describes “God”. If you only want to watch one, this is it. (Original YouTube page is here.)

Almost as good is this one of Richard Dawkins on The Colbert Report. (Original YouTube.)

Faithful reader Arin suggested the next one. It has actually been on my agenda for the last couple of weeks to show this one. Thanks for the reminder, Arin! In this video, Australian guerilla film-maker John Safran decides to see what would happen if an atheist pounded on the door of some Mormons. (Original YouTube.)

The next two I found over at Too Many Tribbles. First up is some sort of British talk/quiz show. (Original YouTube.)

Next is an environmental warning. Science-deniers may not want to look. (Original YouTube.)

This one is a couple of mob Xmas tales. (Original YouTube.)

I almost didn’t include this last one. I couldn’t decide if it’s stupid or funny. Santa meets Cops. (Original YouTube.)

I just had a revelation. I think I finally understand why fundies are so pissed off all the time. The reason is something that we’ve all observed. I just always assumed that it was a symptom and not the cause. Here’s my insight:

This is a Christian country. The Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments.

Neither statement is true, of course, but that’s what the fundies believe. They’re always telling us that.

The fact that the Ten Commandments comes from the Torah doesn’t much matter to them. They pick and choose what they like from the New Testament, so why can’t they do that with the Old as well? They sometimes talk about “Judeo-Christian values”, but that’s just lip service. If they really meant to include the Jews, you’d never hear them utter the phrase “Christian country”. But of course, that’s all you ever hear.

“This is Our Country! We stole it from the Indians!”

Think about it from their perspective for a moment. Somebody lied to them and told them this is a Christian country, so now they all believe that. How does that color their thinking?

That means that the USA is their home. I’m not saying that they merely live in it. They own it. That means that all of the non-Christians here are merely guests. They are allowing us to live here; Christian charity in action!

That’s why they get pissed off when the rest of us try to keep (their) religion out of government buildings and the schools. That’s why they think it’s their right—no, their obligation—to put God in the Pledge of Allegiance, on the money, and everywhere else.

The non-Christians are very rude house-guests! How would you like it if some guy you barely knew comes to your door and begs to be allowed to stay. When you say yes (temporarily is implied!), the guy moves in with all of his stuff, starts rearranging the furniture, watches rude things on TV, engages in non-missionary-position sex with partners that are not his wife (or even the opposite sex!), tells your children that their great-great-grandparents were monkeys, etc., etc.

No wonder they’re pissed off.

The problem, of course, is that this isn’t their country. Well, yes, it is, but not exclusively. America isn’t a house. It’s a condominium association. They own what is inside their unit. Their neighbors are Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and atheists, who have the right to do whatever they want inside of their own units (within reason, of course). The common areas belong to everyone and can’t be taken over by one resident.

So that is the fundie-mental problem (yes, read that both ways). This insight allows us to change our tactics. You can quote the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to them all you want, but that doesn’t matter to them. They think they own the country. We need to change that misconception first.

Remember about ten years ago when everyone was talking about the amazing potential of the “Information Superhighway” that was just around the corner? How many expected that it would turn into nothing more than a way of spamming us with Viagra emails and delivering videos of Mentos and Diet Coke?

Well, among the chaff you will always find some wheat. I just finished watching a bunch of bad Xmas videos on YouTube. These are the only two good ones I found.

First is another modified Charlie Brown. (If you can’t see the video, you can go to its YouTube page here.)

Second is from Saturday Night Live and/or TV Funhouse. (YouTube page is here.)

I found this by way of Driftglass’ blog.

Of course, they could have just as easily done this with Jesus instead of Santa.

(If you can’t see the above, you’re probably using Internet Explorer. For shame! Here’s the original YouTube page.)

(BTW, if you’re wondering about the spelling of the expletive in the title, it was spelled “frack” in BSG:TOS. The producers of the current version seem to prefer “frak”, presumably to make it a four-letter word. The problem with that variation is when you try to add “ing”. “Fraking” looks like it should be pronounced with a long “a”. This forced me to use the dreaded apostrophe.)

Here’s the second of my two-part review of Exodus Revealed, which airs occasionally on the National Geographic Channel.

I’ll summarize this part of the Exodus story, for those of you who weren’t paying attention in Sunday school. That would probably include me. Here’s how I remember it:

The Israelites run away but hit a roadblock when they come to the Red Sea. Everybody says that they believe in fairies, and they clap their hands. Moses clicks the heels of his ruby slippers, and the ocean parts. Then they escape across the ocean floor, no doubt grabbing some very surprised and disoriented fish as they go.

Pharaoh says “I believe in fairies, too!”, everybody claps their hands, and he sends his army across the ocean floor in pursuit. Unfortunately, there is only one pair of ruby slippers, which the Israelites currently possess. By rights, those slippers belong to Pharaoh. They originally belonged to Pharaoh’s brother, the ruler of the Upper Nile. But then the Israelites dropped a house on Upper Nile Pharaoh and stole the slippers.

Anyway, since Pharaoh didn’t have the slippers, the magic didn’t work for him. When his entire army was on the ocean floor, the water crashed back in on them and everybody melted.

Red Sea

The documentary presented several people, each with their own explanations for the parting of the Red Sea.

Professor Colin J. Humphreys, he of the flatulent ficus (see prior installment), attributes the incident to the phenomenon of wind setdown. Wind setdown occurs when a strong, steady wind blows water aside. This could expose a ridge of land.

Geoarchaeologist Floyd McCoy, of the University of Hawaii, has a different hypothesis. He suggests that a tsunami could have created a land passage across a lagoon. As you’ll recall from the Asian tsunami of 2004, the water rushes out before the giant wave hits. McCoy admits, however, that the timing of such a rare event makes this explanation a longshot.

Stephen J. O’Meara, Vulcanologist with Volcano Watch International, suggests that there could have been a massive land bridge formed by lava. An underwater eruption created a temporary and unstable lava bridge. This could have held out long enough for the Israelites, but given way once the Egyptians followed.

Nobody asked me, but I think that the Israelites somehow got transported to the Bay of Fundy, which they crossed at low tide. Pharaoh’s people tried to cross when the tide was coming back in and got covered. OK, this one is less likely than the tsunami.

Reed Sea

Not everybody is foolish enough to take the Bible literally. Professor James K. Hoffmeier, Archaeologist at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, says that the original Hebrew text refers to a “sea of reeds”. The Greeks mistranslated that into “Red Sea”, and we’ve been stuck with that bit of shoddy workmanship for over 2000 years. What’s the world coming to? Translators used to take pride in their work! But for the last 2000 years, nobody cares!

The Nile Delta looked very different 3000 years ago than it does today, so finding a “Reed Sea” is difficult. Professor Stephen O. Mosher, Geologist at Wheaton College, is using declassified spy satellite photos in the hunt. These photos are from the Cold War 1960s, and they show the Nile Delta before all of the massive over-development that exists there today. In these photos, the locations of ancient bodies of water show up as dark splotches in the desert. One of those splotches could be the Reed Sea. Hoffmeier and Mosher have identified an ancient body of water known as Lake Ballah that they think is a likely candidate.

It Must be True. I Read It in the Bible!

Robert Cornuke, Biblical Investigator for Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration, is convinced that the Bible is accurate.

Cornuke holds a PhD from the unaccredited Louisiana Baptist University.

The National Geographic documentary has hurt its credibility both by including somebody whose methods are not recognized as valid by the scientific community, and by not disclosing that Cornuke’s PhD is not recognized as valid by an official accrediting body.

Cornuke has found an underwater land bridge near the mouth of the Gulf of Aqaba in the Red Sea. He found some artifacts at the site. He then makes a leap of logic and claims that they must have belonged to the Israelites and the Egyptian army. That’s scholarship for you!

Conclusion

Professor Eric Cline, Archaeologist at The George Washington University, says:

We do not have a single shred of evidence to date. There is nothing archaeologically to attest to anything from the Biblical story. No plagues, no parting of the Red Sea, no manna from heaven, no wandering for 40 years.

Dr. Kathlyn M. Cooney, Egyptologist at Stanford University, had this to say:

The most likely reason that we’re not finding any evidence for the Exodus in Egypt is that it didn’t happen the way the Bible said it did, or that it didn’t happen at all.

Ouch. Facts. What a way to mess up a perfectly good delusion!

Postscript

“Doctor” Robert Cornuke, the self-described “Biblical Investigator for Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration (with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time)” is an example of why real science works. In real science, you make observations, form a hypothesis, make more observations to see if the hypothesis holds, and then publish your results in a peer-reviewed journal. Other scientists will then try to reproduce your results. As often as not, they will either come up with different results (because of a flaw in your experimental design or because you didn’t consider something) or they will have a different interpretation of the data and propose a different hypothesis. Over time and further experimentation, data gathering, and discussion, a scientific consensus emerges.