If you’re like me, you probably wonder about Bill Johnson of the American Decency Association. Things such as: How can anybody be that sexually repressed? Have he and his wife … um … you know … “done it”? (I’m betting no) And: What does he do all day, when he’s not busy trying to ban TV shows? (and ban magazine ads about TV shows) (and ban magazines) (oh, and ban scantily-clad mannequins; we mustn’t forget the scantily-clad mannequins)

He seems like a busy guy with all of that going on, so you’d think he wouldn’t have time for anything else. You’re forgetting what we learned in our last episode: BJ doesn’t have a TV! That gives him lots of time to acquire new hobbies, such as banning books! Let’s see what he says in his latest email:

I became aware through my efforts to strengthen Michigan’s obscenity laws, that the greatest objectors to such efforts were the local public libraries. I then discovered behind this opposition was the American Library Association.

Tell me, BJ, who is the ALA, and why are they bad?

Indeed, the ALA is a very liberal association with concerning influence upon our local communities nationwide.

Say no more! I’m convinced. They’re liberal. They must be evil!

One time in my local community a friend’s son came across a magazine in the public library that had advertisements for pornography. He asked if there was anything that he could do.

Yes. Find out if they take Visa.

Anyway, he goes on to relate a story about how this guy complained to the library, they had a meeting of the review board, and “humiliated” him by not removing the offensive advertisement from the magazine. Yawn. This is apparently the most grievous abuse of power that BJ has seen in the last 20 years. BJ seems to be easily upset. Maybe if he got laid more often, he wouldn’t be such a tight ass. And speaking of tight asses, there’s a particular form of intercourse that can solve that problem, too.

Today I received an email from Tony Perkins of the American Fundie Association (It’s not on their website, so I can’t provide a link.). It’s titled “YouTube Censorship: Another Chinese Import?” Tony tells us that YouTube has removed an anti-Obama video that discusses Obama’s positions on abortion.

This is one of those gruesome abortion videos that shows buckets of blood and gore, in an effort to make people react emotionally and not logically. What they neglect to tell you in those videos is that removal of a tumor is just as sickeningly gory. Nobody is advocating that we stop cancer surgeries. (Just cancer cures. See their position on stem cell research.)

What I find amusing about this whole affair is that fundies are always running around screaming about how television, movies, magazines, billboards, etc. are too graphic; they violate community standards, and must be censored. But when somebody tells them that their video is too graphic and violates community standards, they scream bloody fetus.

Here’s a psychology test. Look at the following inkblots. What do you see? Choose the answer that is closest to your own reaction.

Image 1

a. Two people enjoying a nice day in the backyard.
b. Two artists creating a sculpture.
c. Two drug addicts, each with a monkey on his back.
d. That’s vile, disgusting hardcore pornography! How dare you bring that filth into my home!

Image 2

a. A fat man, lying on a beach.
b. John McCain, lying in a speech.
c. A giant ant-man coming to destroy us.
d. That’s vile, disgusting hardcore pornography! How dare you bring that filth into my home!

Image 3

a. Two people about to kiss.
b. The oil stain on my garage floor.
c. Give me another minute. I’m sure if I look at it long enough, I’ll be able to see the Virgin Mary in there somewhere.
d. That’s vile, disgusting hardcore pornography! How dare you bring that filth into my home!

Image 4

a. Six young people enjoying at day by the pool.
b. I wish I could be that thin.
c. Bad 90s television coming back to terrorize us again.
d. That’s vile, disgusting hardcore pornography! How dare you bring that filth into my home!

Answer Key

If you answered a, b, or c for all of the images, congratulations! You’re normal!

If you answered d for all of them, congratulations! You’re Bill Johnson of the American Decency Association!

I’m merely guessing what his answers to images 1–3 are. However, I know for a fact what his answer to image 4 is. His answer was so important that he felt he needed to email it to me.

Yes, our old friend BJ sent me an email titled “No friend to me or you: this kind of ad”. (The email itself didn’t contain the filthy picture. I guess he doesn’t want to be accused of distributing pornography. You have to go to his website to see it. In fact, he split his diatribe into two pages on his site, with the smutty graphic only available to you by clicking the link on the first page. He doesn’t want anyone to stumble upon the picture and see it accidentally!)

He starts with:

I will place no wicked thing before my eyes.
[Psalm 101:3a]

OK. That actually sounds responsible. If you don’t want to look at anything you deem wicked, then don’t look at it. BJ is in favor of personal choice and responsibility! Oh, BJ! I never should have doubted you! You finally came to your senses!

Or maybe not. Read what he says next:

This kind of imagery below featured in this weeks [sic] Grand Rapids Press TV Guide….

It’s actually TV Week. Just once, I’d like to see a fundie bother to get his facts straight.

…is just one of the many kinds of images that are foisted in front of the faces of you and me - day in and day out.

Umm … OK … Six beautiful people showing a lot of skin. This is the softest of softcore. The only place where this picture would be considered indecent is the Taliban-controlled parts of Afghanistan.

I’m thankful that my wife and I share the same concern regarding television in our household.

I am too. I can’t imagine how insufferable being married to you would be. Fortunately, she’s as insufferable as you!

We simply don’t use one.

What? Did I miss something? BJ doesn’t have a TV? Then why is he offended by what’s on television?! In this case, he’s whining about a print ad, but what the hell is he doing even looking at the TV listings? And why does he organize advertiser boycotts and letter-writing campaigns targeting television?

It used to be that you could say to these fundies “If you don’t like it, change the channel!” BJ doesn’t even have a TV!

It’s ironic (of course; everything about fundies is ironic). Republicans are always decrying that liberals want to impose a “nanny state”. Most fundies are Republicans. So what is BJ trying to impose here?

BJ seems to think that the above image is pornography, and that it will somehow … umm … well, it isn’t clear just what he thinks it will do. Most anti-porn fundies seem to think that hardcore pornography leads to sexual deviancy, violence, and the downfall of Western Civilization. That’s a separate topic. BJ isn’t talking about hardcore pornography here. He’s talking about what you can see at any beach in the country. The above image does not lead to sexual deviancy. It’s not even a “gateway” image that leads people to the hard stuff (such as the Sears catalog underwear pages).

The Real Obscenity

Another thing that blew my mind about BJ’s email was that he sent it out on September 3rd. That’s right. While the rest of the country was focussed on the Republican National Convention. Right after John McCain perpetrated the greatest obscenity against our democracy by selecting a thoroughly unfit candidate for VP, the only thing that BJ thinks is obscene is a picture of a few people in swimsuits. In fact, the people in this photograph that so offends BJ were showing no more skin than Sarah Palin did during the beauty pageants she was in!

The Real Damage of These Types of Images

Finally, I would like to point out that BJ is right, but for the wrong reason and the wrong tactics. BJ’s image actually does cause psychological damage in some people. The portrayal of impossibly-beautiful and impossibly-thin women in the media leads to body-image problems in girls, resulting in eating disorders, depression, and other problems. I don’t agree with BJ’s top-down imposition of his standards upon the rest of us. It’s ironic, though, that even when the fundies are right, they’re still completely off base.

BJ, if you want to actually do something constructive with your life, if you want to actually leave the world a better place, why don’t you work on educating people about the effects of media portrayals of what the ideal person looks like? By raising people’s awareness, you’ll help to reduce the effectiveness of this type of ad. These ads will end up doing less actual psychological damage (vs. the imagined damage of your twisted fantasy world).

Last week, the Third U.S. Circuit Court overturned the FCC’s $550,000 fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s scandalous nipple show. We aren’t qualified to properly understand just how horrible this development is. We must turn to the fundies, who will tell us just how damaged we were by seeing said nipple. OneNewsNow has generously come to our aid with this proclamation of gloom: “FCC Feeling Muzzled by Courts”:

Penny Nance, special advisor to Federal Communications Commission chairman Kevin Martin, says the Third U.S. Circuit Court’s ruling yesterday was stunning on many levels, considering that the Super Bowl striptease incident in question spawned millions of complaints from parents and concerned citizens all over the country.

Oh, where to start? (1) It’s distressing that the FCC is run by a fundie whose primary mission in life is to fine a broadcast network for the accidental (and very brief) exposure of a non-sexual body part. (2) It wasn’t a striptease. (3) I doubt there were “millions” of complaints. But even if there were, it’s a meaningless number. 99% came directly from the Parents Television Council. They hardly represent the country as a whole.

Nance argues that it represents further legal efforts to severely hamper the FCC’s mission of protecting decency on the broadcast airwaves. She explains that the Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled against the federal agency’s fining of TV broadcast networks for airing of “fleeting profanities” during awards shows in 2002 and 2003.

This is why you need the courts — to rein in an out-of-control government.

The best part of this article, though, comes from the comments! Let’s take a look, shall we?

The real problem is not that it was just a half-second episode or that it was not bleeped out. The real problem is that it is just a way to open the door for more of the same for a longer time period the next time. Ever heard the old saying “Give an inch and they will take a mile” Just like the homosexual agenda, there was a time when no one would “come out of the closet” but little by little they did and look at the mess we have now involving that issue. As for me: let morality rule.

Janet Jackson’s nipple: Marching in lockstep with the homosexual agenda!

Go FCC and do your job well! There was no need for the nudity regardless of the length of time and for the perverts that say get over it or that didn’t hurt anyone - pay for your sick porno crap because decent people don’t care for it on our television. We were not watching one of your porno channels, we are not accustomed to such trash.

Then don’t look at this, you’ll go blind:

A few of the comments supported the court’s decision. I’m surprised that OneNewsNow didn’t delete them:

Score: Victorian censors: 0
First Amendment: 2
Hurray for freedom.

and…

If your precious darlings were caused permanent harm by a 2 second flash of a woman’s anatomy, I suggest you spend more time being a parent and less time reading internet websites. Your priorities are as screwed up as the FCC’s.

also…

It was less than half a second folks!!! If that’s going to damage a child’s mind there is something wrong with the child.

I don’t think the fundies really are worried about the child. It’s the adults who are so scared of the nipple. To them, I say: Don’t look at this next picture. Don’t imagine your hand slowly caressing it. Don’t think of your tongue sliding deliciously around its perky firmness.

You probably remember the flap last September when Kathy Griffin won an Emmy for her cable-TV reality show, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. The award was presented at the Creative Arts Emmy awards. The program was taped and scheduled for broadcast the following week on the E! cable network. She pissed off a lot of fundies with her acceptance speech:

Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Milan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!

This caused enough of a stink that E! was forced to cut her acceptance speech out of the broadcast.

Last night, I came upon a rerun on Bravo of a standup comedy show that Griffin taped not long after this incident. She discusses the event and its aftermath. I thought it was quite funny. I managed to find the program on YouTube. The bit is split over these two parts.

Part 1:

Part 2:

(YouTube pages are here and here.)

Last night, Comedy Central premiered Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil. I was looking forward to the show, so I tuned in with great anticipation. I was actually disappointed in the program. It had some funny moments, thanks primarily to Greg Giraldo, but overall the show wasn’t very good. I might give it another shot at some future date, but I’ve already pulled it out of the season passes on my Tivo.

The premise of the show is to find out who is the root of all evil. Lewis Black is judge. Two comedians act as lawyers and make their cases. On last night’s program, Paul Tompkins argued that Oprah is the most evil. Greg Giraldo argued that the Catholic Church is evilest. (You can watch a few clips on Comedy Central’s website) Tompkins’ case for Oprah was only mildly funny, but Greg Giraldo’s case against the Church was quite funny. He slammed the Church pretty hard. While I was watching it, I was thinking “I bet Bill Donohue is having a conniption right about now!” Sure enough, he did!

The (Only?) Catholic Fundie is Apoplectic!

This morning, I cruised by the Catholic League website to see just how bonkers it made old Donohue. Holy weird-shaped oil stain on my driveway that looks nothing like the Virgin Mary! There were two diatribes to read!

The first is a blog post from yesterday, before the program even aired:

The first episode, “Oprah vs. the Catholic Church” will ask whether the talk show host or the Bride of Christ is more “evil.”

I’ve never heard that term before. But if your nickname reminds people of the Bride of Frankenstein, then of course you’re evil!

According to preview videos and printed reviews, Black charges that the Church hinders “social progress”…

Oh, I’m sorry, Bill. I thought you were going to point out some fallacies.

…and that the pope gives lectures bashing other religions.

Like I said.

The program features abundant jokes about molester priests. One would hope that a network devoted entirely to comedy would be able to come up with a few new gags rather than rely on the old bigoted chestnut about the priest and the altar boy.

You know, Bill, if the molestations had been an isolated incident, you’d have a point. If it had been one aberrant priest, you’d have a point. If it had only happened over a short time period, you’d have a point. If there had only been a few victims, you’d have a point. But none of those things is the case! The Catholic Church knew about these incidents and allowed them to continue. The Catholic Church actively covered up these incidents and moved the priests to other parishes, where they could find fresh meat. What the Church did was abhorrent. It’s going to take many decades for these wounds to heal, and until that time, your Church must be reminded constantly that civilized societies do not tolerate this behavior. For an institution that holds itself up as a bastion of morality, it did one of the evilest things imaginable. So no, Bill, we are not going to forget it and move on.

Not as Ugly as the Church’s Behavior

Now let’s move on to the press release that Bill Donohue issued today, entitled “Lewis Black’s Show Gets Ugly”. What’s truly amazing is that their press release links to a partial transcript of the show. This is supposed to show you how terrible it was and how harshly and unfairly they maligned the Church.

It actually accomplishes the opposite. The transcript is hilarious, and it makes a compelling case that the Church is evil. Bill Donohue has actually defeated his own case by posting the transcript. I’m also going to repost the transcript at the end of this article in case old Bill realizes what he’s done and pulls it down.

Let’s now look at the meat of today’s press release:

Catholic League president Bill Donohue raised questions about [the show] today:

No group in the U.S. sexually molests minors more than public school teachers; their rate is estimated to be 100 times that of Catholic priests (see the work of Dr. Charol Shakeshaft.) Moreover, the teachers unions still make it near impossible to fire a molesting teacher. Yet it wasn’t the public school industry that was labeled evil by the show, it was the Catholic Church.

What? That’s the best you can do, Bill? “It’s OK! We can molest! As long as we’re not the #1 molester, it’s OK!”

Radical Muslims behead their enemies, real and contrived, terrorize non-combatants, run planes into buildings, shoot nuns in the back, kidnap and kill bishops, burn churches to the ground, legally murder those who want to convert, but no one associated with Lewis Black’s show has the guts to get them.

This quote and the one above are typical examples of what Bill likes to do. He cites somebody who is worse, then expects to get a free pass for his own behavior.

I get that criticism for this blog. Because radical Muslims are more dangerous than radical Christians, I should leave the poor Christian fundies alone. Fundie season is closed until the radical Muslims are wiped out. Sorry. Doesn’t work that way. You have oppose all threats, not just the biggest. I go after the Christians, because other folks are tackling the Muslims.

In the case of the Lewis Black show, they take on different subjects each week. I think next week it’s Donald Trump and Viagra. I’m sure they’d do a program about radical Islam as well, if they weren’t afraid of getting blown up in retaliation. I guess that’s Donohue’s problem. The Catholic Church was targeted because they’re merely evil, not super-evil. You’re going about this all wrong, Bill! You’ll never get people to stop making fun of the Catholic Church by issuing press releases! You have to blow them up!

So instead they rip the Catholic Church for its role during the Inquisition. And that role, if truth be told, was miniscule compared to the role of the civil authorities.

No, Bill. Stop rewriting history. The Catholic Church was the civil authority.

Indeed, the role of the Catholic Church back then, as compared to the role of radical Muslims today, was positively angelic.

Yes, if by “angelic” you mean like a fallen angel.

The worst part of the show was the assault on Our Blessed Mother and Pope Benedict XVI.

He then quotes some very funny lines from the show. Since those lines are included in the transcript below, along with some other very funny stuff, I’ll just direct your attention there.

Bill finishes his diatribe with a request that we all write to Comedy Central and express our outrage. I want to know where we can write in order to express our outrage over Bill Donohue.

Here is the partial transcript of the program that Bill Donohue actually posted on his website. Most of the jokes are fair criticisms. If Donohue doesn’t like it, he’d better clean up the Church. If there’s nothing to criticize, the jokes will stop on their own.

Comedian Greg Giraldo, making the case against the Catholic Church:

Did I mention the boy fucking? A couple of years ago the Catholic Church held a two-week conference to discuss what should be done about the sexual molestation claims. Two weeks. What are they talking about? ‘Let’s stop diddling kids fellas, what do you say?’ That’s what, half hour tops? Somebody proposed a one strike and you’re out rule. One strike and you’re out. And it was voted down! They debated it, and it lost. Someone actually got up and said, ‘Look we’re not going to kick a guy out for knob gobbling just one kid. I mean that’s not fair to the guys with a lot of hot kids in their parish. Maybe we will just move them to a place with uglier kids.’ It’s awful. Dioceses in Tucson, Portland, and San Diego, just to name a few, have gone bankrupt defending these molestation claims. The Catholic Church is sack tickling its way into bankruptcy.

The Catholic Church is also evil, because it has such a grip over the mindless masses that they’ll wait in line, thousands of them in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of a pork rind in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Then there is the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary. God impregnated Mary. We have a whole religion based on one woman who really stuck to her story.

And let’s not forget the Inquisition. In the 1400s, Jews and Muslims in Spain were forced to convert to Catholicism. And to test the sincerity of these conversions, thousands were tortured. Let’s say you were acting a little Jewy. You know, maybe you complained about your entree. Or, you know, ‘Paco, it is a little moist. Could you towel it off for me?’ Next thing you know, they put you in one of these [shows picture of torture instrument]. Yes that is called the head crusher. I think it was used to crush your head. These are actually implements of torture that were used by the Catholic Church. How about this one [shows another device]? It is called the breast ripper. Yeah, I think it was used to rip you breast. Sometimes they would try and soften the blow. They would say, ‘Hey, good news is you get to sit down. Bad news is you have to sit on this.’ [Shows a chair with a pyramid-shaped spike on it.] Yeah that was called the Judas Cradle. I guess ‘ass shredder’ was already taken.

Additional quotes:

Lewis Black: Greg you have been babbling on about the Catholic Church and you haven’t mentioned the pope. Do you even know who he is?

Giraldo: Ah, yes I know who he is, and the pope to me is a hypocrite in his Prada loafers and his ball gown. How can he condemn homosexuality when he dresses like he is on his way to nickel cosmo night at the Veiny Shaft Tavern?

And this:

Black: I read in Parade magazine that the Catholic Church is letting people use condoms now.

Giraldo: What did happen was because of the crisis in Africa, the Catholic Church considered allowing people to use condoms. If they were married and if one of the partners had AIDS. HAHAHA. A loophole. ‘Well we can’t have any more kids, we live on two bucks a month, and we are running out of mud pies to feed them. One of us is going to have to get AIDS.’

One argument that fundies keep trotting out in their opposition to gay marriage is that gays should not be given special rights. I’m as confused by that statement as you are. How is giving a group of people the same rights that the rest of us have giving them special rights? Somehow this twisted logic works in the Bizarro World of fundiedom.

Catholic fundies often cling to rantings of Bill Donohue of the Catholic League. Now Donohue is demanding special rights for his own religion. In a press release a couple of days ago, the Catholic League writes:

On his Friday night HBO program, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” Maher was joined in a discussion about UFO’s with some of the panelists. Here is what Maher had to say:

“But I think it is much more likely that there could be space ships from outer space, than what a lot of things people believe. People still believe, you know, excuse me I know I may inject religion into every show but UFO’s are a lot more likely than a space god flew down bodily and you know who was the Son of God and you know had sex with a Palestinian woman….”

This actually touches on an article I’ve been meaning to write, where I advocate the exact same thing. Needless to say, I agree with Bill Maher. Let’s find out what Bill Donohue thinks!

Catholic League president Bill Donohue addressed Maher’s remark today:

“Last week, we registered a complaint with ESPN regarding the offensive comments made by anchorwoman Dana Jacobson at a celebrity roast; after I had a conversation with ESPN officials, the issue was satisfactorily settled by the end of the week. Moreover, Jacobson made another apology today, her first day back from her suspension. It is worth comparing Jacobson to Maher on several counts.

Yes, let’s look at the Dana Jacobson incident. From what I can tall, she got drunk at a private party and said something vulgar about Notre Dame. The Catholics got into a snit over it. According to this report, there’s a group calling itself the Christian Defense Coalition that wants her fired for hate speech!

These people seriously need to get over themselves.

For some perspective, here’s a parody piece from Serious Sports Network: Jacobson to Catholic group: “It’s not like I molested a little boy”

Let’s get back to Bill Donohue’s blabbering press release:

“Jacobson was drunk, made her first and only bigoted comment in public, apologized twice for her behavior and was punished by her station.

And Bill Donohue is sober. What’s his excuse?

By contrast, Maher was sober, made his umpteenth Christian-bashing remark, did not apologize—he never does—and suffered no consequences. In short, Jacobson’s outburst was an anomaly; Maher’s was not. She is a first-time offender and he is a recidivist.

“There is no bigger bigot in America today than Bill Maher. His serial insults are tolerated on HBO and on late-night television shows because the producers are not outraged by what he says. How else can we explain his ability to offend with impunity?”

Where in the Constitution is it written that Bill Donohue gets special protection? Since when has Christianity been off limits to criticism? It’s OK for Donohue to give his opinion on everybody else, but nobody else can give their opinions on his beleifs?

Bill Maher’s show is on HBO. People have to make a special decision and pay extra to get it. On top of that, they have to choose to watch his program. Maher’s show is aimed at a specific audience. If you aren’t part of that target demographic, then don’t watch!

Look at the Catholic League’s banner, which I reproduced above. Their slogan is “For religious and civil rights”. Our most fundamental civil right is freedom of speech. Apparently the Catholic League thinks that only applies to them.

In light of the Catholic League’s “successful boycott” of The Golden Compass, I thought it would be worthwhile to see this parody of a controversy that arose over The Life of Brian (via Pharyngula):

(YouTube page is here.)

For more background on the controversy over the earlier film, here’s a good excerpt from Always Look on the Bright Side of Life by Robert Sellers. It includes this depressingly-revealing quote:

Gilliam noted, “In Britain, it was banned in different towns; what that meant was that people in those towns organised charabancs and went to the neighbouring town where it was showing. But in the States they banned it in the Bible Belt area and nobody went. You see, the British can’t be controlled and the Americans can… that’s what we learnt over that.”

That’s exactly what’s wrong with with this country. Americans can be controlled by small-minded self-appointed dictators.

Finally, here’s an excerpt of a documentary about The Life of Brian. The incident that is parodied above starts about two minutes in.

(YouTube page is here.)

One of the most damning comments was this from John Cleese:

You have to remember that Christianity in America is mainly about sex. … These people are operating at a very low level of mental health.

We’re a country of pathetic, repressed, sniveling fools.