This is the fifth and last image from the Pop-Up Bible Heroes book.

I recently happened upon this mini-monstrosity in a used bookstore:

Yes, it’s a little popup book of Bible Heroes! The thing isn’t more than about 4″ x 5″, and it’s only ten pages long.

I read the thing, but it somehow didn’t feel complete. But what was missing? Dialog! That’s it, dialog!

I’m always concerned that people aren’t being given the complete stories, so I took it upon myself to add the word balloons that were obviously missing from these illustrations.

Over the next few days, I will be publishing the corrected versions of the five stories presented in this book. Let’s begin with illustration #1:

Creationist wackos and creators of the giant creationism museum in Kentucky, Answers in Genesis, recently announced the winners of their creationism essay contest.

Homeschooler (of course!) Karin Hutson of Missouri (there’s a freakin’ surprise!) won the contest. The prize was a $50,000 scholarship to Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.

Zeno at Halfway There has a good overview article. He sums up the winning entries:

While it’s not fair to expect teenagers to write purely original essays, all of the winning papers suffer from the suffocating effects of their reliance on recycled creationist propaganda. Time and again the writers make demonstrably untrue statements (and they probably don’t know any better). In this, of course, they simply mirror their elders.

I thought I would examine the grand prize-winning essay. I debated whether to do this, because I didn’t want to be seen as beating up on a high schooler. I decided to go ahead because:

1. It’s actually a fairly sober essay and therefore doesn’t lend itself to my usual snide comments (read: It won’t be funny. Jump to the next article if you want funny.)
2. It’s worth seeing what the creationists are teaching their kids. What is the content and curriculum that they would like to impose on the public schools, if they ever get their way?
3. How good is it, from a writing perspective? In other words, how good is their home-schooling?

To answer that last question, it’s fairly well written, from a purely technical perspective. Its main flaw is that it’s saturated with the logical fallacies that all creationists are prone to. So let’s examine Karin Hutson’s winning essay:

Evolution of Ethics: How the Biology Class Undermines Morality 101

Can Darwinian evolution adequately account for and uphold human morality? This paper concludes it cannot. Within a naturalistic worldview that denies absolute truth, morality has no standards. Ethics then disintegrates into fickle opinions and conflicting preferences. Hence, evolution supports amorality, not morality!

Morality has no absolute standards, because societies change over time; they evolve, in a manner of speaking. The hope is that over time, we become more enlightened about what is moral.

It is not evolution that supports amorality. If anything, it creates morality. Altruism, which is one of the underpinnings of morality, has been proven to exist in some animal species. Furthermore, a society without morals does not long survive.

Instead, I would argue, that it is the misguided notion of “absolute truth” that creates amorality. This causes the believers of that particular “absolute truth” (and the world is full of many contradictory “absolute truths”) to blindly and rabidly adhere to a doctrine that is woefully out of date and grossly immoral by most objective standards. If you doubt this, just read the Letter to Dr. Laura.

When Evolution is Taught

In this section, she just parrots back the standard creationist lie that evolution didn’t happen. This is where she fulfills the essay contest’s requirement that she use the fundie-written “science” textbook Evolution Exposed as a source. The other book she cites in this section is the Bible! Oh yeah! There’s a reputable source! It’s a good thing she got accepted to Liberty University. With scholarship like this, she wouldn’t be accepted by a real school.

Because of those conflicting presuppositions, creationists and evolutionists interpret their observations differently. Creationists examine fossils and point back thousands of years to the worldwide flood explained in the Bible, while evolutionists look at the same fossils and point back millions of years.

That’s the problem with presuppositions. Creationists blindly accept the Bible, so they are forced to jump through a series of massively-convoluted hoops just to reach their foregone conclusion. Scientists follow the straight line of the data to whatever conclusion that data leads.

If creation offers just as valid answers for life’s origin as Darwin,…

But it doesn’t. Where does she get such a crazy idea?

…which Evolution Exposed reveals,…

Oh. Well that’s her problem!

…why is it banned from public schools?

I’ll tell you why:

1. Creationism has no evidence to support it.
2. It’s religion.

[T]wenty-first century school officials unfairly regulate evolution to the classroom as science and creation to the church as religion.

I think the word she wants here is “relegate”, not “regulate”. Home schooling. Woohoo!

…Morality is Undermined

She opens this section by quoting Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis. Oh yeah! Suck up to the judge!

In this section she claims that evolution creates moral relativism, which then creates violence and vice. If one society says it is OK to crash airplanes into skyscrapers, then another society can’t tell them that it’s wrong.

She’s wrong here. There are certain behaviors that can be agreed upon as bad by members within a society. You do have disagreements between societies. Her 9/11 example demonstrates this. Radical Islam hasn’t evolved to the same level of moral sophistication as the West. They’re still living in the moral Dark Ages. You don’t say “That’s OK! Their morality works for them, so we’ll let them kill us!” (For a good article on moral relativism and how it isn’t necessarily the default position of non-theists, see this article at Biblioblography.)

Response of Evolutionists

[N]aturalists either unabashedly glory in their liberation from absolute morality, trusting innate human goodness, or they stoically accept the pointlessness of existence.

I guess when mommy home-schooled Hutson, she didn’t cover the either-or fallacy. I don’t completely fit into either camp, and I don’t know anyone who does.

The Nihilist Approach

Nihilism, futile existence, is living life according to evolutionary philosophy.
[…]
Evidently, most evolutionists are not nihilists. According to evolutionary tenets, however, all should be.

No. She’s making the leap from “The data do not suggest a creator” to “Therefore, we should all just kill ourselves.” That’s ridiculous.

While evolution doesn’t directly cause sin,…

How nice of her to admit that!

…its naturalism presents a good excuse because it denies that morality is universal, that sin is sin, that a Judge will requite!

Maybe it’s a good thing that fundies have their moral code already created for them. They’re obviously incapable of the complex thought required to develop one on their own.

Hence, studies show moral decline among those who accept evolution.

Actually, the “studies” she refers to is something published by the Institute for Creation Research. I’m sure its scholarship is on the same level as Hutson’s essay.

The Creation Answer

This section is all about how wonderful God is and that people who believe in him blindly follow whatever is in the Bible. Somehow this is portrayed as a good thing.

Concluding with the Beginning

In order to share Christ with secular America, one must first confront the blinding worldview of evolution. This indoctrination begins in the classroom.

And that really sticks in the craw of fundies. In the “good old days”, they used to read the Bible in public schools. The only indoctrination in the schools that fundies want is their indoctrination.

[S]ome time may pass before creation science is allowed back in the public school system….

Remember, creationism is religion, so just swap those words in that sentence, and you’ll see the real fundie agenda:

[S]ome time may pass before religion is allowed back in the public school system….

My Conclusion

So that’s the end of her essay. I see why she won, and I have to admit that it’s a masterful piece of writing. She artfully managed to cite a variety of creationist propaganda pieces, numerous Bible passages, and she also sucked up to the judge! Throughout the essay, she told the fundies exactly what they want to hear.

But what have we learned about Karin Hutson? We’ve learned that she managed to write a 3000-word essay about the ethics and morality of “evolutionists” without one whit of understanding of their ethics and morality.

The Big Valley Creation Science Museum in Alberta is a tiny building full of big lies. It opened on June 5th. At that time, we looked at their promotional video. In just a few days, it will have its “grand opening”, even though it has been running for a month already. Maybe that’s how creationists can get away with claiming that the Earth is only 6000 years old. It “unofficially” opened 4.5 billion years ago, but it didn’t have its grand opening until Sunday, October 23, 4004 BCE.

In honor of the Big Valley Creation Science Museum’s grand opening this weekend, I thought it would be worth looking at their web site. Let’s start with the Press page, because it distills the essence of the museum onto one page. It’s sort of the eau de toilette, with the emphasis on the toilet. It starts with:

The museum is located on main street in Big Valley … right across from the train station.

Oh, good! The citizens have a rail on which to run these blockheads out of town.

The vision of Harry Nibourg to offer a scientific and biblically based alternative to the evolutionary view of earth history … has become a reality in Big Valley, Alberta.

So which is it? Scientific or Biblical? According to the Bible, pi = 3, so it’s hardly the source I turn to for reliable science.

It is Canada’s first permanent creation museum.

As weird as that sounds, Canada has at least two traveling creationism museums. I wonder if that’s by necessity and not design. If your museum is on wheels, you can flee town before the locals realize they’ve been swindled.

The artifacts and displays in the museum have been obtained from around the world and it is immediately evident when you step into the museum that you are looking at world class fossils and displays.

As in third-world class.

There are numerous themes presented in the museum displays including:
“Evidence From Geology” display which deals with the geological column….

I wish a geological column would fall on this museum.

“Fossils and the Flood” is a fantastic visual arrangement…

Finally, some truth from these people! Here’s the first (i.e., preferred or dominant) definition of “fantastic”, according to Merriam-Webster:

1 a : based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief : UNBELIEVABLE

At least there’s a little truth in advertising. Continuing with the BVCSM Press page:

…that contains only genuine, museum quality fossils and a giant model of Noah’s ark.

The “giant” model somehow manages to fit inside their tiny museum building! The only thing giant about the model is the lie it tells.

“Dinosaurs and Humans” display shows considerable evidence that not only did dinosaurs exist recently, but also that humans existed with them.

That’s right! Mr. and Mrs. Ogg living right next door to their wacky neighbors, the Velociraptors! “Hey honey, the Velos invited us over for dinner!”

“Terrible Lizards” display demonstrate dinosaurs were one of God’s greatest creations (Job 40 & 41).

Again, according to Merriam-Webster, “dinosaur” comes from the Greek deinos terrifying + sauros lizard. A “terrifying lizard” is a better description than a “terrible lizard”. This is yet another simple detail that these creationists can’t get right. (Here’s another site with more information about the origin of the term.)

“Bacterial Flagellum and DNA” are interactive displays … which provide compelling evidence for creation and refute any unguided, ‘natural’ processes such as evolution.

Creationists keep bringing this up, as if the bacterial flagellum has some sort of a magical ability. It doesn’t. It’s a simple mechanical system that evolved just like millions of other simple mechanical systems in nature.

I think that fundies have a subconscious flagellation fetish. It’s apparently the only form of self-abuse that they approve of. Self-flagellation used to be quite the thing for the devout to do on a Saturday night, or any other time they were feeling randy. It’s all to reenact the fundies’ favorite snuff film, the crucifixion of Jesus.

“Age of the Earth” display packs a pile of leading-edge information regarding dating methods, fast fossils, rapid cave formations and Out of Place Artifacts.

Well, it packs a pile of something!

“Evidence From Genealogy” is one of the favourite displays of our visitors. These scrolls from the Lambeth Palace in England trace the genealogy of King Henry the 6th and the current monarchy of Queen Elizabeth back to Adam and Eve.

I haven’t the foggiest idea what that’s supposed to prove. That genealogy was manufactured in the 15th century by the royal court to try to justify the monarchy’s dictatorship over the populace. By counterfeiting a document “proving” that Henry #6 was descended from A&E, they could justify their claims of divine rule.

By this logic, the BVCSM might as well stock their museum with all of the hoaxes that P.T. Barnum created for his fake museums. A fake mermaid doesn’t prove that mermaids exist, only that some people know how to create lies convincing enough to fool the retarded. There’s a fundie born every minute.

The final paragraph on this page tries to convince the unwary to make the long detour from wherever they are really going to come way out to Big Valley to see this house of lies. It finishes with:

Additionally you can make it a day’s adventure by booking a trip on Alberta’s Steam Train which includes lunch and a train robbery.

As opposed to the Big Valley Creation Science Museum, which is merely highway robbery.

Hey, boys and girls! It’s quiz-time fun-time! I found a giant page of quizzes over at Christianet. They have one about that big old baddie, evolution. Let’s take it, shall we?

1. The Bible tells us that those who believe there is no Creator are fools.

I don’t see what this has to do with evolution. The Bible says lots of stupid things, so I’m going to guess true.

Let’s check their answer: True. Hey! I got one right! This is going to be easier than I thought.

Here’s their “explanation”:

Psalm 14:1 - The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.

OK, but can we get to the evolution now?

2. The theory of evolution really exists to disprove that there is a God.

This one is clearly false. The theory of evolution says nothing about God.

Their answer: True. What? I got one wrong! Here’s their explanation:

2 Peter 2:1 - But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

That’s a little obtuse. Something about false teachers. That’s the problem when you homeschool! It’s like that old lawyer’s saying: “The man who defends himself has a fool for a client.” If you fundies want your kids properly educated, you should send them to public school.

3. God declares that He created the earth and heavens by the work of His hands.

This one is also false. There is no credible evidence that God even exists, so he could not have said anything.

Their answer: True. Wrong again!

Isaiah 45:11-12 - Thus saith the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker, Ask me of things to come concerning my sons, and concerning the work of my hands command ye me. I have made the earth, and created man upon it: I, even my hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded.

God didn’t say that. The semi-literate schlub who wrote the Bible said it.

4. The Bible tells us to believe that the worlds were created from things that are not visible.

That sounds crazy enough to be something that’s in the Bible. I’ll say true.

Their answer: True. I got it right, but I’m a little confused. I thought this quiz was about evolution. Evolution is about the origin of species, not the origin of the Earth.

5. Evolution teaches that rain existed before man, and Scripture supports this theory.

I don’t remember anything specifically about rain in the theory of evolution, but it had to exist to make the world habitable. I don’t know what looney ideas the Bible has about rain, but I’ll just guess true for this one.

Their answer: False.

Genesis 2:5 - And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

What?! That’s just plain idiotic!

6. Dinosaurs are not mentioned in the Bible.

I actually know what their answer is, because I’ve heard other creationists say it. However, I am going to answer truthfully, not the way the want me to. My answer is true.

Their answer: False.

Job 40:15-18 - Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Lo now, his strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly. He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron.

That’s certainly a big beast, but I can’t tell from the description what the heck it is. You can wish it to be the description of a dinosaur, but you could also claim it describes something else. After all, the Bible is a collection of stories that were already ancient at the time they were written down. There were always tales of incredible beasts from faraway lands. Ancient mariners saw manatees and thought they were mermaids, so I’m not going to believe every last detail of some hearsay fantasy.

7. The Bible teaches that created things do not evolve, but that all things continue as from the beginning.

That sounds stupid enough to be in the Bible. I’ll say true.

Their answer: True.

2 Peter 3:4 - And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.

I may have gotten their question right, but the Bible is clearly wrong.

8. Gravity was created by God; He hung the earth upon nothing.

This one is clearly false. The Earth isn’t “hanging” on anything. Maybe the fundies who wrote this quiz could do us all a favor and hang from a tree limb, if you get my drift.

Their answer: True.

Job 26:7 - He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing.

Well, they should stretcheth out the noose over the empty branch and hangeth their empty skulls above the Earth.

9. The sun and stars existed before the earth.

Easy! True. The Universe is somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 billion years old, but the Earth is a mere 4.5 billion.

Their answer: False. How could they botch something so simple?

Genesis 1:14-16 - And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Oh, right. They’re idiots.

10. The Bible has no record of an anarchic man living in caves.

I’m starting to detect a trend here. The answer to every question is accompanied by a Bible quote. If the answer is true, there would be no quote. I’m going to say false, because I bet these idiots can pull a quote out of their ass about cavemen.

Their answer: False.

Job 30:3-8 - For want and famine they were solitary; fleeing into the wilderness in former time desolate and waste. Who cut up mallows by the bushes, and juniper roots for their meat. They were driven forth from among men, (they cried after them as after a thief;) To dwell in the clifts of the valleys, in caves of the earth, and in the rocks. Among the bushes they brayed; under the nettles they were gathered together. They were children of fools, yea, children of base men: they were viler than the earth.

See? Fundies never disappoint!

11. Man was created in the likeness of other creatures.

This one is false. We were not specifically created. We just evolved.

Their answer: False.

Genesis 1:16 - And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Well they got the right answer, but for the wrong reason. BTW, what else would a “creeping thing” do but creepeth? Do fundies fall into this category? They sure creepeth me out!

12. The human race evolved from an ape-like creature.

True! Slam dunk!

Their answer: False.

Genesis 2:7 - And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Umm, no.

13. Marine life gradually developed over time.

True! Slam dunk!

Their answer: False.

Genesis 1:21 - And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

These people are clearly confused.

14. Creation was a completed event.

This statement is nonsensical. The Universe wasn’t “created” per se (as in the product of a creator). I’ll have to answer this in the more general sense. The Universe is continuing to expand, and life on Earth continues to evolve. Therefore, my answer is false.

Their answer: True.

Genesis 2:1 - Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

If they can show me that all species have stopped evolving, I’ll reconsider my answer.

15. Originally the earth was watered by a mist that rose from the ground.

False. I think as water formed in the atmosphere, it would have rained.

Their answer: True.

Genesis 2:6 - But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

Cool! God uses drip irrigation!

16. God made every creature after its own kind.

False on two levels. God didn’t poof creatures into existence, and new species evolved out of old. Do two wrongs make a right?

Their answer: True.

Genesis 1:25 - And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

I guess they do.

17. Death did not occur until after Adam sinned.

Another meaningless statement. Adam did not exist. I’ll have to say false.

Their answer: True.

Romans 5:12 - Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin: and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:

I’m not sure I even follow that sentence.

18. The heavens, earth, and sea were all created in seven days.

False. Billions of years.

Their answer: False. Hey! Could it be that they’re actually using real data for their answer? Let’s look what they have to say:

Exodus 20:11 - For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

Wait! Wait! You’re going in the wrong direction! They’re saying it’s false, because the Earth was made in six days instead of seven? They’re off by so many orders of magnitude that I can’t even count that high.

19. Life is in blood bearing creatures, not plants.

Absolutely false. Plants are more full of life than Billy Graham’s wife.

Their answer: True.

Leviticus 17:11 - For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls:

Well Leviticus also tells you to own slaves, so I wouldn’t put too much stock into what it says.

20. Plants wither and fade, but do not die.

Has to be false.

Their answer: True.

Jeremiah 12:4 - And the herbs of every field wither,

BFD! They whither. We knew that! You pinheads said they don’t die. Are you trying to tell me that after we grind and pulverize wheat to make flour and then bake it into bread, that it’s still alive? What is it, the great undead wheat stalk? All of the wheat cells that have been cast about creepeth back together like a dismembered vampire? Late at night, in stores all across the country, loaves of Wonder Bread creepeth off of their shelves and slowly maketh their wayeth toward the fields in Kansas whereth they were groweth? Once there, they will reassemble into reanimated wheat fields?

I knew there was some scary stuff in the Bible, but I had no idea just how frightening it all is!

21. Different races evolved from different animal species.

False. Race is not a scientifically valid concept. Furthermore, all humans evolved from a common ancestor.

Their answer: False.

Genesis 11:9 - Therefore is the name Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

This question doesn’t even make sense. Why did they ask it? Are they alleging that scientists claim that the so-called different “races” came from different animals? The fundie grasp of evolution is even more distorted than I thought.

22. The layers of rocks found in canyons prove that the canyons were formed over millions of years.

True. That one is a piece of cake (layer cake, that is!).

Their answer: False.

Genesis 8:3 - And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

That quote says nothing about layers. There they go again, just making stuff up!

23. Life developed from non-life.

False. Life developed from plants, which are undead.

(Actually, the answer is true. Exactly how life started is the haziest part of our understanding of the development of life, but there are some excellent hypotheses supported by good data. This is a lot more than the fundies can offer.)

Their answer: False.

Genesis 1:12 - And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Wow. The Earth brought forth grass and herb. I thought they were the same thing. That’s why the fundies flunked science. They spent their days smoking too much grass and herb.

24. There are evolution links between plants and animals.

Definitely true. All life is related, if you go back far enough. Why doesn’t this question include the other forms of life, such as bacteria and fungi? Oh, that’s right. Fundies are simpletons who believe in simple things, like race, talking snakes, and vampire bread.

Their answer: False.

Genesis 1:25 - And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Repeating something a bunch of times doesn’t make it true.

Hey, look! We’ve finally come to the last question!

25. The fact that primates have similar body functions as humans means that man has ancestry to these animals.

The answer is false. Similar body structure is not proof of common ancestry. It could be an example of convergent evolution. The proof of common ancestry between humans and the other primates (fundies repeatedly act like humans aren’t primates) is in the fossil record, our common DNA, and various other evidence.

Their answer: False.

Genesis 1:26 - And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:

They got the right answer, but for the wrong reason.

Now let’s see how well I did! According to their scoring system, I got 32%! Woohoo! A failing grade on a fundie evolution quiz is definitely a passing grade in my book!