I’m not an expert on economics, but I think I know enough about it to be able to come to reasonably-informed opinions on the issues.

I’ve been warning about the national debt to anybody who would listen since the late ’70s. You can’t run on deficit spending forever, yet that’s what we we’ve been doing.

That course was heading us to eventual disaster, but then GW Bush was installed as president by the Supreme Court and pretty much sealed our fate. Bush massively ratcheted up the already obscenely high national debt. His cronies (e.g., Haliburton, Blackwater, Goldman Sachs) looted the public treasury. He got us into two protracted, unfunded wars. His policies destroyed our manufacturing base, shipped many of our jobs overseas, and damaged the economy in numerous other ways.

Given our massive debt, enormous budget deficits, gargantuan military, and runaway spending that neither party is willing to curtail, it looks to me that a crash is inevitable. I hope I’m wrong. I tend to be a fatalist about life in general, so that might be coloring my assessment of things.

David Stockman, Ronald Reagan’s former budget director, is making the rounds these days warning of the bleak days ahead. He wrote an op-ed at the New York Times titled “Four Deformations of the Apocalypse”. Here are some excerpts of what he says:

[T]he new policy doctrines have caused four great deformations of the national economy, and modern Republicans have turned a blind eye to each one.

The first of these started when the Nixon administration defaulted on American obligations under the 1944 Bretton Woods agreement to balance our accounts with the world. Now, since we have lived beyond our means as a nation for nearly 40 years, our cumulative current-account deficit — the combined shortfall on our trade in goods, services and income — has reached nearly $8 trillion. That’s borrowed prosperity on an epic scale.
…
When the dollar was tied to fixed exchange rates, politicians were willing to administer the needed castor oil, because the alternative was to make up for the trade shortfall by paying out reserves, and this would cause immediate economic pain — from high interest rates, for example. But now there is no discipline, only global monetary chaos as foreign central banks run their own printing presses at ever faster speeds to sop up the tidal wave of dollars coming from the Federal Reserve.

The second unhappy change in the American economy has been the extraordinary growth of our public debt.… This debt explosion has resulted not from big spending by the Democrats, but instead the Republican Party’s embrace, about three decades ago, of the insidious doctrine that deficits don’t matter if they result from tax cuts.
…
The third ominous change in the American economy has been the vast, unproductive expansion of our financial sector. Here, Republicans have been oblivious to the grave danger of flooding financial markets with freely printed money and, at the same time, removing traditional restrictions on leverage and speculation.
…
The fourth destructive change has been the hollowing out of the larger American economy. Having lived beyond our means for decades by borrowing heavily from abroad, we have steadily sent jobs and production offshore.
…
The day of national reckoning has arrived.… [I]t’s a pity that the modern Republican Party offers the American people an irrelevant platform of recycled Keynesianism when the old approach — balanced budgets, sound money and financial discipline — is needed more than ever.

Stockman was also interviewed on All Things Considered recently. I’ll try to embed the interview below.

Bottom line: We’re undertaxed and overspent and have been so for decades.

I heard a great documentary on public (read: socialist) radio tonight. It’s called “The Great Textbook War”. It’s about a controversy in Kanawha County, West Virginia in 1974 about some new school textbooks. You can find the documentary’s download link in the sidebar of their website.

The whole thing sounds eerily contemporary. The one difference is that racism was one of the underlying issues of the 1974 controversy. Teabaggers aside, that is much less of an issue today.

You’ll hear the roots of our modern culture war playing out in microcosm. The textbook war of ’74 turned violent toward the end, with Christians justifying the violence with quotes from the Bible. Sadly, that was also a precursor of what we see today. Extremist fundie violence is rare in this country, but as any dead abortion doctor will tell you, it does still happen.

As for the controversy itself, listen with an open mind. The conservatives make one or two good points. I might agree that maybe the books went just the slightest bit too far. Including the writings of Malcolm X and Eldridge Cleaver, for example, would certainly be appropriate at the college level, and maybe even 11th or 12th grade. It isn’t clear from the documentary which grades included their writings.

Likewise, raising the issue of moral relativism is OK, even desirable, at any of the high school grades, but kids may not be equipped mentally to process such an abstract thought at a younger age. Again, the documentary does not tell us at which grades that issue was raised. (That is one of my few gripes with the documentary.)

Other than these points, I am completely on the side of the “liberal, academic, socialist elites” who tried to shove progress down the throats of a backward county in 1974. And who continue to do the same to a backward country in 2010.

[Note: If you're reading this in a feed reader, you may need to visit my website to see the audio players.]

I discovered a good interview program on the local low-power NPR affiliate. It’s called Your Call. From what I can tell, it’s like Fresh Air, but liberaler.

Friday’s program featured an interview with Max Blumenthal, who wrote Republican Gomorrah: Inside The Movement That Shattered The Party. One of the best parts of this interview is Blumenthal gets into the heads of the fundies and tries to figure out what makes them tick. He bases his explanations of their behavior mostly on the psychological theory of Erich Fromm.

Psychology works best when it describes behavior. When it tries to explain the reasons behind that behavior, it can get into some really tenuous territory. Keeping that in mind, Blumenthal’s explanations nonetheless seem like they could at least partially explain some of these wackos’ motivations. Here’s an excerpt from the interview:

Blumenthal mentions Erich Fromm’s book Escape from Freedom. Wikipedia says:

Fromm distinguishes between “freedom from” (negative freedom) and “freedom to” (positive freedom). The former refers to the process of becoming emancipated from the restrictions placed on humanity by other people or institutions. This has often been fought for historically but is not of much inherent value unless accompanied by a creative element, “freedom to”; the use of freedom to behave in ways which are constructive and respond to the genuine needs and wants of the free individual/society by creating a new system of social order.

Right off the bat, you can see that “freedom to” leads people away from the dictatorial decrees of God and replaces them with some sort of man-made morality and social structure. Can’t have that!

The Wikipedia article describes Fromm’s ideas of escaping freedom:

As “freedom from” is not an experience we enjoy in itself, Fromm suggests that many people, rather than utilizing it successfully, attempt to minimise its negative effects by developing thoughts and behaviors that provide some form of security.

They then list those three approaches. See if you can guess which approach fundies use (hint: it’s #1!):

1. Authoritarianism
2. Destructiveness
3. Conformity

Here’s how they summarize Authoritarianism:

Fromm characterizes the authoritarian personality as containing a sadist element and a masochist element. The authoritarian wishes to gain control over other people in a bid to impose some kind of order on the world, they also wish to submit to the control of some superior force which may come in the guise of a person or an abstract idea.

So take that for what it’s worth. I definitely agree that the authoritarians want to gain control over other people and impose their sick and twisted view of reality upon them.

Here they talk a bit more about Fromm and how his ideas relate to the fundies:

Bingo! Look at those last sentences again:

[W]hen they rely on their individual wills, they feel like they can’t moderate their behavior. They can’t control themselves.

You’ve probably heard arguments against atheism that go like this:

Projection is typical fundie behavior. Fundies seem to run amuck and indulge in all their baser desires whenever there is nothing to hold them back.

(Actually, Ted Haggard probably had the benefit of a reach-around to hold him back.)

Just because they can’t be trusted without a punitive authoritarian God hanging over their heads, the fundies assume that no one else can either.

It appears to me that individuals with Fundie Personality Disorder™ require blind adherence to a god-like figure. We would be doing society a grave disservice if we somehow found a way to eliminate religion from America. Sufferers of FPD would find an even more destructive substitute. (Probably fascism. That seems like the closest political structure, and it seems to be the natural direction it flows.)

There’s a lot more good stuff in this interview. You should go to the Your Call website and listen to the whole thing. I’d love to grab more excerpts and comment on them, but I’m out of time. It looks like this book is worth buying. I’ll add it to the pile of other great anti-fundie books that I can never find time to read. (I’m Burgess Meredith; I just know it!)

Here are some additional links:
Max Blumenthal’s website
Fresh Air interview
BuzzFlash review

That last one says:

Republican Gomorrah is a 365-page exposé into the ironic fact that those who wrap themselves in the flag fear freedom the most because of their own personal demons and insecurities, making them pathologically supportive of an authoritarian state that can provide them with the emotional security of being a cog in a … white Christian hierarchical machine.

I found this song over on the WFMU blog. It’s a top ten hit from 1948, starring Arthur Godfrey. Here’s part of what they write about it:

The subject matter (and, yes, I realized the 1948 version of what’s acceptable differs from the 2009 version) is bad enough. The song extols the virtue of beating the living hell out of your daughter when she disobeys you. Family values, I guess. What pushes it over the edge into unmitigated nightmarish sadism is the glee and jauntiness the beating engenders. Right off the bat, Arthur Godfrey chuckles disturbingly as the scene is painted with a girl lying on the floor trying to fend off blows. That and the HILARIOUS slapstick suggesting that Arthur Godfrey is not screwing around here. There will be welts and bruises.

So here it is. “Enjoy” it!

This is the world that the fundies of today pine for. This is the world they want to take us back to. This song illustrates what they consider to be proper and moral parenting.

If you think I’m joking, may I remind you of how James Dobson treats his dogs and his children.

Few people anger the creationists more than Eugenie Scott. She actively opposes their efforts to get religion into the schools under whichever euphemism they’re currently peddling.

She was on Science Friday yesterday to give us a summary of the whole Texas School Board science standards fiasco. We’ve discussed that here previously, and it has been covered extensively at other blogs. You should listen to the Science Friday interview. She sums up what happened and where the cracks are that the crackpots managed to make.

You can listen to it online at the NPR website, but I couldn’t figure out how to save a copy to my hard drive for later iPodding.

Theoretically, you can visit the Science Friday website. The strengths and weaknesses of that idea are that you can download MP3s, but they are currently linking to the wrong segment of the show.

The latest Skeptics’ Circle was posted a few days ago at The Skeptic’s Field Guide. It happens to be a podcast, so you can hear them talk about each article in the carnival.

These guys seem to call their podcast “Hunting Humbug”, and apparently it’s devoted primarily to logical fallacies. That could be either really interesting or really dull (Wait. I think that was the either/or fallacy). Anyway, I’m going to listen to a few and see if they’re good. Creationists are especially prone to logical fallacies, so getting better at spotting them is a worthwhile endeavor.

In a similar vein, they have a really interesting quasi-fallacy that they’ve discovered. They call it “The WTF? Fallacy”. They describe it thus:

The advocate’s claim is so error ridden that one would not actually know where to begin in trying to analyse it. (Moreover, one would have to take a leave of absence for a year or so in order to do so.) The WTF? Fallacy is only to be invoked when the claim under consideration is so lacking in any rational basis that one is left speechless with perverse admiration – how could anyone, in their right mind make such an astonishingly stupid assertion? The only possible response is those three little words, muttered in hushed and awed tones: “What the F….?

Though similar in nature to Simple-Minded Certitude, the WTF? Fallacy is more extreme. WTF?ers ought to have seen the absurdity of their claim for themselves. There is simply no point in engaging with a WTF?er, as meaningful interaction will be nigh on impossible. Our advice is to completely avoid any interaction. If you must engage in social intercourse, a supercilious attitude is best, and moreover, such an attitude is completely justified. Heap nothing but scorn and derision upon the advocate.

Unfortunately, that describes almost everything that Ray Comfort, Ken Ham, and Kent Hovind have ever said.

Here is the post I tried to write last night, before I went off on a tangent of trying to find an appropriate graphic.

This is just a quick off-topic post. Barack Obama recorded the audio-book version of Dreams of My Father himself. Somebody thought it would be funny to extract a few isolated sentences from the recording and post it on the internet. This is one of those rare cases where juvenile humor is funny.

(Via WFMU. You should be seeing six Flash players below.)

Now we come to the finale of our Christmas music series. Christmas music by actual Christians! Yes, a few people who celebrate Christmas really are Christians! They’re Johnny-come-latelies to the party, but they’re welcome to enjoy the holiday too.

I know you’ve been secretly wondering when I would let Charlie out of his cage. You knew he had to have a Christmas album. Well this is your lucky holiday. He has two Christmas albums!

Charlie the Hamster Sings Christmas Songs

Charlie the Hamster is the cheap Christian knock-off of Alvin and the Chipmunks. But unlike Shirley and Squirrely, Charlie’s records are actually well produced and well written (for what they are, anyway). And what they are is pure Christian evangelism. Hallelujah!

Charlie was the creation of Floyd Robinson, who is the human you hear accompanying Charlie in these songs. Floyd eventually got sued by Alvin and the Chipmunks for ripping off their idea, so he had to pull all these albums off the market and euthanize Charlie.

I’m guessing that Charlie got into the business of pushing Christianity via record albums, because it isn’t safe for a hamster to go door to door with a stack of Watchtowers. Whereas you have to turn the hose on Jehovah’s Witnesses, you only need to turn the cat onto Charlie.

This album is called Charlie the Hamster Sings Christmas Songs, which was published in 1976. Our song from this album is called “Christmas Yodel”. It’s surprisingly tame for a Charlie song. This song is entirely about Santa. He doesn’t mention Jesus once.

Christmas Yodel

Why’s everyone so happy,
Why’s everyone filled with glee
Bells are ringin’ everybody’s singin’
Happy as can be

(yodeling)

Why is everyone decorating
On a green, green tree
With ornaments, tinsel, bells, and toys
As pretty as can be

(yodeling)

Why the anticipation and expectancy
Who’s everyone expectin’
Comin’ down the chim-i-ney

(yodeling, more yodeling, and giggling)

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

Are we sure he is actually singing? It sounds more like Floyd has very cold hands and is checking Charlie for hernias.

Charlie the Hamster Plays Christmas Songs

For some reason, this album has almost the exact same title, and it came out the same year! I have no idea what scam they were trying to pull.

This song is all about loving Jesus and Christmas. This is a pretty forgettable song, except for some good keyboard work. This is the only song I was able to find from this album. Charlie must have been under contract for two albums, so he just slummed on this one. Bad hamster! Jesus wouldn’t do a half-assed job! Somebody just lost his hamster-ball privileges for a week.

One thing I’ll say about Charlie is that he seems to always be in a good mood. You never hear Charlie bellyaching about being “persecuted”. Charlie never bitches about a “war on Christmas” or “activist judges” or any of those other made-up fantasies (God is the only fantasy Charlie needs!). So I don’t want to hear another word out of you Christians out there. A fictional hamster has a better perspective on life than the rest of you.

Don’t Cry. I’ve Got Some Tammy Faye Bakker for You!

Our final album this season is Christmas with Susie and Allie, starring Tammy Faye Bakker. Based on the picture, I’m assuming that Allie is an alligator. Since he’s voiced by Tammy Faye, does that mean he sheds crocodile tears?

This album is from 1984, which I think was at the height of the PTL empire, before the whole thing unraveled. All Tammy Faye had to do was sniffle a little in those days, and Jim would let her cut another album.

What’s amazing about these songs is that she couldn’t carry a tune as it was, but then she distorts her voice to sing as Allie. So she takes something that’s unbearable and makes it intolerable.

Here she is singing “Frosty the Snowman”:

If you thought that was a joy, you don’t know the definition of joy. Here are Tammy Faye and Allie singing about the ultimate joy:

Remember. This song is better than anything in Pokemon Christmas Bash. Perspective. It’s important to always keep things in perspective.

Here are a few more peculiar Christmas albums that I found on the internet.

Hey Shirley, This is Squirrely

Yes, it’s those monstrosities of the sped-up tape deck, Shirley and Squirrely! This album continues their habit of not only ripping off Alvin and the Chipmunks, but Porky Pig as well. This album is so “good” that I’m forced to share two tracks with you. Aren’t you glad you stopped by today?

Let’s start with “A Squirrely Christmas”:

Did you catch the logical fallacy? Scrooge Squirrel said “If all those squirrels believe in the spirit of Christmas, maybe I should too.” What a crock! That’s the “appeal to the majority” fallacy. If his only standard of evidence is that everybody else believes it, then the next thing you know, he’ll be believing in God!

In this next track, Porky Pig Melvin tells us about the night before Christmas:

Frankly, I’m surprised at Santa. His job is too important. Too many people are depending on him. He shouldn’t risk contracting Hantavirus by delivering to a squirrel’s nest.

Hello, Folly!

Let’s return to Bizarre Records for the next two albums.

Casting Carol Channing is a strange choice in any role. Her strangest of strange roles was probably in Skidoo, an acid trip on celluloid. That is the movie that has Groucho’s head rotating on a stick.

Whoever thought this album was a good idea should have his head on a stick as well. I’m not sure what else I can say about it to warn you off. Just be glad this excerpt is under two minutes. Be sure to listen through to the end, when she starts quoting Santa Claus. She really gets into the role.

Now you see why I gave you Squirrely’s version first. I had to ease you into this one. I don’t think you could have handled it without tightening up your ear muscles first and giving you practice suppressing the gag reflex.

Korean White Christmas

Speaking of Korean diseases, here’s a Korean version of “White Christmas”. If we had this recording in 1950, we could have broadcast it into the north and won the Korean war in a day. Fortunately, we have it now. Just set up some speakers at the edge of the DMZ. If Kim Jong-Il sends a horde southward, just blare this thing, and they’ll drop like flies.

Jesus Ain’t Some Two-Bit Messiah

This last track I have for you is actually quite good, you just have to take it in small doses. I don’t know what an entire album of this stuff might do to the human brain.

I present to you: 8-Bit Jesus! It’s an entire album (18 songs!) of Christmas music played on an 8-bit synthesizer. This music is designed to sound like it’s coming from an old Nintendo video game. The songs are all renamed to have a video game tie-in. For example, their version of “What Child is This”, which I present below, is called “What Guardian is Legend”. Apparently that’s a reference to a game called Guardian Legend. Yes, the names are kind of forced. I never had an NES, so I’m not familiar with the game. I like this album, though, because my Atari 800 made sounds like these. (And yes, Star Raiders is still one of the best computer games ever written. I even beat it at the toughest level when not one of my friends could! Ha! Bow down before me!)

I chose this track not because it’s the best or worst. It has a good beat, and you can blast aliens to it.

Oh, and BTW, you can download this entire album for free(!) at their web site.

Poke Me in the Eye So I Can’t Peek at You

Finally, look at the bullet you just dodged:

Yes, it’s the Pokemon Christmas Bash. I actually downloaded this thing off the internet yesterday and was going to play you one of the tracks, but they were all horrible. HORRIBLE!! I mean worse than Shirley and Squirrely horrible. Worse than Tammy Faye Bakker horrible*. By the time I had finished listening to just a piece of each song, I felt something warm running down the side of my neck and discovered that my brain was oozing out of my ear.

_____
* (Foreshadowing. The sign of good literature!)

Christmas is a peculiar holiday. It started off as a pagan solstice celebration, was co-opted by Christianity, then was co-opted again by the religion of consumerism. That strange mix of influences can produce some truly strange ways to celebrate the holiday.

For example: Christmas music. A lot of websites like to post strange Christmas albums this time of year. Here are some that I found especially noteworthy. I found these two albums at Bizarre Records.

A Star Wars Christmas

Yes! It’s Christmas in the Stars, the Star Wars Christmas album! Where, oh where, do I start? Well, for one thing, Jesus was an Earthling, so that’s a bit of a problem. Also, the Star Wars story happened “a long time ago”. Much more than 2000 years is my guess. Maybe Jesus was just on tour. It’s the Great Salvation Tour of the Developed Universe. After playing all the big venues in the inner galaxies (and getting crucified in each), he finally worked his way out to Earth.

But Earth is rinky dink! We’re a tiny blue dot out in the Western Spiral Arm of a retardedly-named galaxy (Other galaxies have cool names such as Sextans Dwarf, Canis Major, Large Magellanic Cloud, and Pegasus. And what are we? We’re a stinking candy bar!).

So what does that tell us about Jesus by the time he finally gets to Earth? Just that his career is over. We’re the county fair of salvation. Jesus is like some has-been rock star who is forced to play smaller and smaller venues, never admitting that his glory days are long past. Maybe Jesus will be lucky. He’ll start getting a lot of airplay in Andromeda and revive his career.

The other problem I have with this album is that even on paper this album had to look like a bad idea. But they did it anyway! Didn’t anybody at any stage of the project say “I have a bad feeling about this!”?

If you go to this album’s page at Bizarre Records, you’ll find three songs there (actually, they’re all just 90-second excerpts). I had a tough time picking which one to present here. They’re all atrocious. Since R2-D2 is popular, I settled on this one: “R2-D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas”.

So now that you’ve heard it, please answer this: Why are C3PO and R2-D2 excited? They’re artificial life, so it’s not like they need a savior.

In the song, the kids sing “We look up at the winter star. We know that’s where you are.” This implies the kids are here on Earth. Again, we have this problem of Star Wars taking place a long time ago. Or is this like all of those Star Trek spinoffs, where they always found some contrived way to write in all of the characters from the original series, even though it took place way later? So R2-D2 is now some rusting tin can who has been sitting in a scrap heap orbiting Hauptanium 7 for the last 245 million years. Still faintly beeping. The only thing keeping him going is the knowledge that somewhere on a distant planet, some kids are worshiping him. Or maybe he’s just been stuck in a transporter loop since Return of the Jedi.

The Wikipedia article about this train wreck has some interesting facts. The kid who sang lead vocal on this song is Jon Bon Jovi in his first professional recording. I guess when you start at the bottom, there’s no where to go but up.

Wikipedia also tells us that the album was released in 1980. That year they released a single, “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)”. That thing reached #69 on the Billboard Hot 100 pop chart! I don’t know how I missed that. Oh that’s right. I wasn’t into listening to crap.

(BTW, I just discovered that the Star Wars wiki is called Wookieepedia! An elegant pun is a joy to behold.)

Six Million Dollar Christmas

Apparently Steve Austin was rebuilt from off-the-shelf parts. Six million dollars was cheap for a government project, even in the 1970s. Speaking of cheap, that’s exactly what this album sounds like. They didn’t even use Lee Majors or Richard Anderson. The recording starts off by telling us that there are only seven shopping days until Christmas. This is clearly a job for bionic powers! Maybe Steve Austin is the guy who tramples people to death at Wal-Mart.

Does it sound to you that Steve Austin is starting to flirt with the perfume saleslady? He doesn’t get very far with her, though, because she gets all bitchy about some crappy kid not getting what he wants. Her job would be a lot easier, if it weren’t for all of those damn customers!

Then the next thing we hear is what sounds like a 30-year-old woman complaining about someone stealing her Christmas present. I figured that she was trying to buy one of those $30 DVD players, which she could park her 4-year-old son in front of while she works nights as a stripper.

Then we’re introduced to the thief, who sounds like a reject from Central Casting. Even though this guy has the stereotypical hoodlum voice, Steve Austin is too dense to figure out who the heavy is going to be in this story. Apparently Steve doesn’t believe in profiling.

At this point, the thief and the 30-year-old stripper start arguing, and we realize that the stripper is actually some 6-year-old boy on hormone-replacement therapy.

The thief then pulls a gun on Steve, who makes the obvious statement that guns hurt people. The thief then tells Steve that no they don’t. Guns make excellent Christmas presents, and if you suggest otherwise, it is every reader’s obligation to leave a comment on your blog telling you that you’re wrong.

It isn’t clear what happens next. Obviously bionics are involved, because we hear that cool springy sound that they make every time Steve Austin runs in slow motion or lifts a car with his right arm (And why didn’t that ever crush his spine, BTW? All of that weight has to be supported by something, and his bionic arm isn’t what’s bearing the load!). But in today’s story, the load we have to bear isn’t a car; it’s a carload of crappy story.

Then there’s a transition, and we find ourselves at Steve’s job. Apparently he had to go back to work, because he had snuck out mid-morning when his boss wasn’t looking in order to do that last-minute Christmas shopping. The recording doesn’t tell us how Steve explained to his boss how he managed to foil a spy ring when he was supposed to be in his office finishing that spreadsheet.

So after Oscar docks Steve’s pay for a half day of missed work, they discuss the events of that morning. Steve says: “When I grabbed that guy, he dropped the package, and it broke open.”

No kidding, Steve! You grabbed him with your bionic hand, you dumbass! Be glad you didn’t crush his bones into powder. That must be where the figure in the title comes from. Six million dollars is probably the average settlement the government has to pay out every time Steve apprehends a crook.

But the funniest line in the whole record is the next one: “I could see the thing inside was no ordinary Christmas present. That’s why I picked it up and got it to you.”

So let me get this straight. A thief steals a Christmas present from a six-year-old. Then Steve Austin stops the thief and takes the present for himself! What a guy! That kid’s going to have some serious psychoses growing up. She’ll probably turn to stealing Christmas presents herself year after year, in a subconscious attempt to relive and rectify this trauma that Steve just inflicted upon her. Way to go Steve! You’re the George W Bush of crime fighters. You leave a huge mess that everyone else will be trying to straighten out for the next 60 years!

(Attention: If you are reading via an RSS reader, you will need to visit my web site to be able to play the MP3s. Make sure you have a recent Flash plug-in for your browser.)

This is one of those rare off-topic posts. I’m boggled by something that defies all rational comprehension. I guess since this blog deals with the effects of the irrational among us, it is somewhat on-topic.

I was poring over some search engine data, trying to figure out what is luring people to this site. It’s never what I think it is. I write some great articles, and they’re almost completely ignored. Then I write some stupid easy post that takes me five whole minutes and has no real social value, and that’s what everybody comes for.

I might write more later about some of the other weird stuff in that data. Today I’d like to focus on just one weird thing. Over the last month, I have received visits from 16 different people. These are the search terms they used to find my blog:

• hey shirley this is squirrely
• hey shirley this is squirrely lyrics
• hey shirley this is squirrely mp3
• Hey Shirley (This Is Squirrely) mp3
• hey shirley this is squirrely do you have your ears on
• squirrely and shirley cb radio mp3
• cb radio songs hey shirley this is squirrely
• mp3 downloads shirley and squirrely
• Shirley Squirrely and Melvin
• SHIRLEY,SQUIRRELY,AND MELVIN MUSIC TO DOWNLOAD

To those 16 people, and those who follow, I have one question:

Most art can be categorized into one of four groups:

• Good
• Bad
• So bad it’s good
• So bad it’s still bad

Let me give you some examples:

I only titled this post the way I did, because “Fire Maidens from Shirley and Squirrely” doesn’t have the same recognition factor. Most people haven’t seen Fire Maidens from Outer Space. Those who have probably saw it on MST3K. Wimp! Pussy! You have no claim to the title “Have seen the worst movie of all time” until you have seen it the way it was meant to be seen: completely unadorned by funny commentary. You must watch it straight! Only then (if you survive) can you truly understand what bad is. Only then can you comprehend what it must be like to be incarcerated at Gitmo.

But if Fire Maidens isn’t available, you can always listen to Shirley and Squirrely.

The original CB radio song that I featured in earlier posts is So Bad It’s Bad, but even that is not as bad as their “live” album. You could make a case that the CB song has a certain goofy charm that elevates it into the So Bad It’s Good category. I would disagree with you, but I could at least recognize the elements within the song that almost make it listenable. The live album has no such charm.

Nonetheless, It took me a while to find these mp3s. I’m not going to waste all that effort just because they’re worse than I thought. I had to suffer through these things, so you do too. I’ll spare you the worst of it, though. The songs that follow are the actually the “best” ones on the album.

Let’s start with “Blue Suede Shoes”. I’ve heard some bad Elvis impersonators before, and this rivals the worst of them.

Next, let’s cue up “The Gambler”. What’s weird about this one is they bring in a normal guy to sing a mediocre version of the Kenny Rogers song, and the squirrels only provide high-pitched backup and sound effects. Listen for the squirrel guzzling the booze and taking a long drag on a cigarette.

That last song typifies what’s wrong with this album. They seem to have forgotten that they’re making a novelty record. They’ve gotten it into their heads that they’re making real music here. This is the sort of project that jumps the shark as soon as they start taking themselves too seriously.

Now that the squirrels have destroyed Elvis Presley and Kenny Rogers, let’s give them a chance to ruin the Beatles:

Clearly, Mark David Chapman shot the wrong singer.

Let’s finish with “Mercedes Benz”:

Roll, Janis, roll!!

(Attention: If you are reading via an RSS reader, you will need to visit my web site to be able to play the MP3s. Make sure you have a recent Flash plug-in for your browser.)

Every bold pioneer and every true innovator is quickly followed by a screaming horde of cheap knockoffs. For every Xerox PARC, there’s a Microsoft. For every Charles Darwin, there’s a Michael Egnor. For every Osiris or Dionysus, there’s a Jesus. And for every Alvin and the Chipmunks, there’s Charlie the Hamster.

Newer readers to this blog may not be familiar with Charlie, the beloved hamster for Christ. If you are not yet acquainted with this rapturous rodent, I strongly urge you to read my original article where I first encountered him. You really should check out that article! It has always been one of my favorites. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Back by Popular Demand, Charlie the Hamster!

Now that you’ve had a chance to “enjoy” Charlie’s work, let’s find out a bit more about him.

In the year since I wrote the original article, I’ve come across Charlie several more times on the web. The absolute best site about this forgotten Christian Soldier is the site Charlie The Hamster Evangelistic Ministry. It masquerades as a real ministry, but it’s clearly just a loving tribute to this hokey Alvin wannabe. From the site:

Charlie is a Christ-loving, bible-believing hamster whom God has blessed abundantly with the gift of music and song.

It’s a gift and a curse. OK, it’s just a curse.

Charlie the Hamster records are, to the ears, what Jack T. Chick tracts are to the eyes: funny, innocuous witnessing tools with an unexpectedly powerful soul-saving impact.

This is why I think this is a tribute site, having a little fun with its subject. I doubt that even Christians think Chick tracts are funny and innocuous.

While Charlie the Hamster’s songs are easily mocked and often ridiculed by smug “sophisticates” and self-impressed “hepcats,”…

Guilty as charged!

…anyone who approaches the material with child-like innocence will reap eternal rewards.

Kids are pretty sophisticated these days. I don’t think anybody finds Charlie the Hamster “rewarding”.

The Missiles of Roctober

Charlie the Hamster is the brain-fart of Floyd Robinson, a D-list country musician. One of the sites I found that tells a tiny bit about Robinson and Charlie is Roctober, a giant page that catalogs all human knowledge about Alvin and the Chipmunks and every predecessor, successor, clone, rip-off, and knockoff. Here’s what they have to say:

It seems that Floyd Robinson combined his love of country music, The Chipmunks, and Jesus Christ to make Charlie The Hamster. Charlie is less mischievous than Alvin but still jokes around. Floyd is less angry than David, he patiently chides Charlie. Charlie and Floyd seem fairly likable. They often sing together, occasionally letting Charlie’s lil’ cousins Huey and Stanley join in. Here’s some banter from the intro to “Think Jesus”: “Charlie, what do you like to think of most?” “Candy! Ice cream! Popcorn!” “Let me put it this way, Charlie: WHO do you like to think of most?” “That’s easy! Jesus!” Full band (guitar, bass, drums, organ) backs them up on these songs and the two instrumentals feature some good picking and strumming, Jew’s harp, and hiccuping. The front cover of the “Sunday School” LP shows Charlie and his lil’ cousins in their Sunday best in front of church. One cousin has a slingshot in his back pocket! The back cover has a photo of a grinning pompadoured Floyd posing with his guitar.

Charlie the Hamster Teaches Bible Stories

Now let’s get to the part that you’ve all been waiting for: More Charlie! I’ve been scouring the internet for the last few days. I’ve managed to bag a dozen or so songs, so you have lots more of this to look forward to over the next few months!

This month, we’ll listen to the first two songs from Charlie the Hamster Teaches Bible Stories. I believe this is his second album. It was inflicted upon the public published in 1974. Here’s “It’s Fun To Live For Jesus”:

It’s Fun To Live For Jesus

Oh, I’m glad I live in a Christian nation
Where I can live my salvation
‘Cause I know, yes I know
that Jesus love me so

So I live my life for Him alone
‘Cause His love for me every day is shown
And I know, yes I know
That Jesus loves me so

Oh, it’s fun to live for Jesus
Hooray, hooray
Every time I can, I’ll take my stand, I’ll live my life for Jesus
Every day, I’ll say, I live my life for Jesus
‘Cause I know, that it’s so, I live my life for Jesus

(repeat all)

It’s funny. I don’t mean the song. I mean it’s funny that I had just assumed that Charlie lived in the United States. The first line tells us that he doesn’t. As we all know, the U.S. is not a Christian nation. It wasn’t founded on the Ten Commandments, and there is no mention of God in the Constitution.

The melody provides the essential clue. The constitution of the Confederate States of America was god-based. Charlie’s a reb!

The second song on the album is “Sunday School”:

Sunday School

Sunday school, Sunday school, how I love Sunday school
Yes, I do
I study and learn, I play and have fun
Yes, I do

I learn about things that are good and true
And learn about things that I should not do

Sunday school, Sunday school, how I love Sunday school
Yes, I do
It brings such joy to girls and to boys
Yes, it’s true

All the week long, I just sing this song
How I love Sunday School

(repeat all)

I must not have attended Charlie’s Sunday school. The only joy I remember from Sunday school was the time they gave us cardboard cube banks. We were supposed to do chores to earn money to put into the bank, then bring them back the next week and donate the money to the church. That didn’t seem like such a good deal to me, so immediately after class, my brother and I used the banks as soccer balls. That was fun. The matronly Sunday school teacher had a look of pure horror and failure on her face, but she didn’t say anything. I guess she knew at that point what it would take me several more years to figure out: I didn’t belong there.

But apparently Charlie does. Or at least he thinks he does. Sorry, Charlie! God doesn’t want souls with good taste. God wants souls that taste good! And to him, only human souls taste good!

Yes, in addition to the regular lie that Charlie is being told (i.e., “God exists”), they’ve also neglected to tell him that animals don’t have souls! Charlie’s not going anywhere when he dies, except into a shoebox that Floyd will bury in the backyard.

Back by Unpopular Demand, Squirrely!

I know this violates the Geneva Convention, but George Bush pulled us out of that. I am reposting here that horrible cut from All Ears, the Radio Shack CB radio album. Yes, I give to you: Squirrely!

(Warning! Those of you who are still pissed off about my little “It’s a Small World” prank a few posts back should definitely not play this song! You have been warned!)

The reason I’ve reposted this is because I stumbled across some information about it. Who would have thought that anybody knew anything about this vile turd? But on that same Roctober page that tells us about Charlie, I found a description of three albums starring “Shirley, Squirrely, and Melvin” in 1981 and 1982. Roctober tells us:

And so without missing a beat this trio debuted featuring a couple of Blues Brothers type boy-squirrels (Melvin played sax and guitar, Squirrely picked up percussion and laid some guitar licks in as well) and a hot diva frontwoman with a huge tail.

OK, but those albums were five and six years after the Radio Shack album. Well, just read a little farther up the page, and you’ll see the story of “Hey Shirley (This Is Squirrely)”:

Apparently two-thirds of Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin had a prehistory. Before Excelsior Records resurrected them as the successors to the departed Chipmunks, they made an icky-cute country & western novelty single cashing in on the CB radio craze. For a group of rodents (in this case, squirrels), they have a lot of vocal range. While Squirrely gets his mack on with Shirley, there’s probably about umpteen different voices breaking in on the line (including a proper British accent and a stuttering Porky Pig knockoff). And you can tell each and every one apart. Can’t do that with the Chipmunks (especially after the Chipettes moved in). The other side is the instrumental backing track. Radio Shack carried a comp LP featuring this track to help advertise the various CB radios they sold at the time.

So you see, every torture device has its story!