Wal-Mart Pervert Section

Wal-Mart Bingo

This morning, I received an email from Bill Johnson, the American Decency Ass. It opens with this line (I kid you not):

The battle is hot and heavy there in DC

Umm, BJ, I don’t want to know which theaters you visit in your off-hours.

Anyway, he then changes focus:

A reliable friend of this ministry writes about a particular item(s) of concern in Wal-Mart.

I wonder just how reliable, as you’ll see in a moment. The next few excerpts are from the letter from BJ’s “reliable” friend:

“They have this video player called Wii. You hold it in your hand and you can bowl, play tennis, etc.…

Really? I’ve never heard of such a thing. I think you’re bullshitting me!

“…Well my daughter told me that they were at Walmart, looking at the games, and with the childrens games they have a PLAYBOY game. You can undress her, or dress her, and apparently have her do all kinds of things.…

Hot DAMN! I immediately jumped on the internet, credit card at the ready…

… and came up empty! BJ, you asshole! You lied to me!

Does anybody out there know of a Playboy game?

Please? Google failed me!

However, I did find one interesting cultural phenomenon from six months ago! A Wired blog article tells us:

Playboy has released a series of clips showing a scantily clad woman playing Nintendo’s Wii Fit on YouTube.

The article is accompanied by said video:

Yeah. Me neither. I’ll have to take a Viagra before watching it again. Maybe then it’ll do something for me. So apparently BJ’s “reliable” correspondent has confused a YouTube video with an actual game. BJ wants us to participate in boycotts and pass laws banning smut that doesn’t even exist! He’s so fearful of “indecency” that he sees it even where it isn’t!

Anyway, let’s get back to the letter from BJ’s “reliable” correspondent:

“…CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY HAVE SUCH A GAME AS THIS?…

I wish I could. Believe me, I wish I could!

“…IT DOES NOT BELONG WITH THE OTHER GAMES WHERE CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED TO SUCH INDECENCY! IT BELONGS IN THE PERVERT SECTION, along with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and the Maxim calendars.”

Oh. It looks like I’ve been on a snark hunt. If the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is this guy’s definition of indecency, I don’t think I want the game after all.

But I didn’t know Wal-Mart had a pervert section. Gotta go. I have some shopping to do!

19 Responses to “Wal-Mart Pervert Section”

  1. Bart v.d. M. Says:

    Wouldn’t be the first time he saw things that don’t exist, being a fundie and all.

    Anyway, I usually only rant about things I’ve checked first but I was assuming in my naivete that anyone who makes a comment like “IT DOES NOT BELONG WITH THE OTHER GAMES” has already checked whether the game is currently listed alongside the other games. I guess he relies on his readers not to check the veracity of his claim for themselves…

  2. 4ndyman Says:

    I guess some people just need something to complain about, whether that something exists or not. So this girl told her father who told this “ministry.” The fact that letter starts “They have this video player called a Wii” is proof enough that the guy just doesn’t know what’s going on in the world.

    I’m guessing one of three things:
    1) The daughter was describing a Sims game, and the father, with his head in the gutter, immediately seized on “you can make your character do what you want” as “it’s a game about orgies.” (Because what else would you want sims to do?)
    2) Someone picked up a Playboy DVD in the video section and left it in the video game section. (Something misshelved in WalMart?! Preposterous!)
    3) This guy severely misunderstands what you can do with Miis.

    OF course, the weird thing is that someone would take this “information” and run so far with it.

  3. 4ndyman Says:

    Oh. I looked for the Playboy game. The best I could come up with is called “Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers.” Sounds like a winner to me!

  4. alana Says:

    I live in Utah and we have seen polygamists in Wal-Mart before.

    We derived more fun from the experience than we would have thought possible. (We even took pictures. lol)

  5. Kenny C Says:

    Actually, I think I recall a Playboy video game. I don’t think it was on the Wii platform, but it could have been ported over.

    I’ll look it up when I’m home and can do some serious websearching for it.

  6. Parrotlover77 Says:

    …about a particular item(s) of…

    The first clue should have been that he couldn’t decide how many items you should be outraged over.

  7. Barbara Says:

    I searched a bit and found Playboy:The Mansion but it doesn’t appear to be available for Wii.

  8. Charles Hu Says:

    Actually, Walmart is an evil place, but not for the reasons cited.

    Cf.

  9. Charles Hu Says:

    http://blog.wakeupwalmart.com/

  10. igetpissed Says:

    Isn’t Wal Mart just one big store for cheap materialistic perverts?

  11. Kenny C Says:

    Thanks Barb! I knew there was one.

    Maybe someone had a system with P:TM hooked up to the demo system, and it only looked like the demo system was hooked to the Wii?

    I mean, someone who calls the Wii a ‘video player’ doesn’t sound like a technical genius…

  12. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Well, I think more likely somebody got duped (doesn’t sound hard in this case). I think this whole story was made up from the start. No matter how you try to twist it back to reality, there are too many pieces of the puzzle that don’t fit.

    Kids have a tendency to make crap up anyway. Think about a family situation like this where the only way you can get attention is by joining the “let’s get outraged at stuff” party. Tell a fib. Get attention. Send out an email about the evils of the Wii Video Player. Done.

  13. Brian Says:

    A few days ago I had to venture out to our local Wal-Mart to purchase a few essentials (milk, bread, beer) and happened across a group of people no one here should be surprised to learn actually exists. I passed a family of two parents and six kids on my way to get what I had come for. We were all walking in the same general direction, so I had the misfortune to hear most of their loud conversation.

    The mother, clad in T-shirt emblazoned with a crown of thorns dripping the obligatory blood drops and wearing what looked to be a homemade wooden cross the size of a spatula around her neck, was at first merely yelling at her brood to “shut up a’forn I whup yer asses!” At least, that’s what it sounded like to me.

    Father was also using his fashion sense to show his love for Jesus, but remained timidly silent as the missus berated the young’ins. The children ranged from ages 4–10, I’d guess, which, if true, meant that for a while Michelle Duggar must have been this family’s heroine.

    As our shared path crossed the front of the stores by the checkouts, one could clearly see the tabloids stuck at the front of each lane. One of which had a picture of the new first family. This was enough to prompt Mrs. Christian to proclaim, rather loudly, that she has had enough of “the lib’rl media glorifying a nigger president”.

    I suppose you’re wondering what witty riposte I skewered her with. The truth is I was too dumbfounded to come up with anything. I just kept walking, too angry to trust myself with words.

    I know that I might have run into these hillbillies anywhere, but I’m not surprised at all that it happened at Wal-Mart. I also wouln’t be surprised if they were there for a Wii.

  14. Jan Says:

    I happened upon this site, looking for pictures of the Duggar family and all I found was this awful, hateful picture you desacrated. Perhaps you should spend your time doing something useful instead of spreading hate and distain. Dont bother replying, I will not be returning to this disgusting site. I have no place in my life for garbage like this.

  15. Les Says:

    There is actually a Playboy: The Mansion video game, but it was never released for the Nintendo Wii. You can get it on the PC, Xbox, and PS2, but it wasn’t a particularly good game.

    And, Jan, dry up.

  16. Kenny C Says:

    I can get P:TM on PS2? Sweet!

    I’d direct my comment on Jan’s level of comprehension of the English language at her, but it appears she won’t be back. Why must people like that do such horrible things to perfectly good words?

    First, it’s desecrate, not desacrate. That latter sounds like something you’d do with a goat emasculator.

    Second, desecration implies taking something sacred and defiling it. While I think our host may have done something that could fall into that category on occasion, the Duggar Family, Wal-Mart, and Bingo definitely don’t fall into that category. Playboy Playmates don’t fall into that category for Fundamentalists. So not only is Jan misspelling the word, she’s misusing it.

    Finally, distain sounds like the removal of stain from a stained item. Which is either an example of desecration (if you’re removing stain from religious art) or good laundering, which is clean, which is next to godliness. Jan is looking for the word disdain.

    Please, please, please, from a thinking theist to all the Fundamentalist defectives out there, if you can’t write or think, have the courtesy not to expose your defects to the general public, ok?

  17. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Brian – My wife and I are already boycotting Wal-mart due to their business practices (and that the walton kids are spoiled little turds who do not deserve my money). However, I would be lying if not having to come across the situation you just described (which was not uncommon back when we went there) is an experience I will never miss.

  18. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Correction: Lying if not having to…experience I will miss.

    Got thrown off when I constructed my double-negative. 😉

  19. Ron Britton Says:

    Second, desecration implies taking something sacred and defiling it. While I think our host may have done something that could fall into that category on occasion, the Duggar Family, Wal-Mart, and Bingo definitely don’t fall into that category.

    Some fundies come close to Duggar worship, so Jan’s use of the word “desecration” (well, some word like it) is probably correct in her mind.

    If anybody is wondering, the reason Jan posted to this thread is that I closed off comments on all of the Duggar articles. Apparently she was so boiling over with outrage that she came to the home page and posted to the top article. Somebody who gets that riled over a silly website really needs to ask herself why she is so emotionally vested in what total strangers do in their free time.

    The only thing I ever did to a Duggar picture was add a stupid word balloon. I’m guessing Jan is actually upset over the death photo in “The Duggars—Parasites of Science“. Of course, I had nothing to do with the alteration of that photograph, and I make it clear in the article. Not only did she miss that fact, but she seems to have missed the whole point of the article.

    This seems to be a universal truth: The more upset a fundie is, the lower her reading comprehension.

    Or maybe she thinks I photoshopped the second picture on that page, which is the portrait of Jim Bob Duggar. I swear, I did nothing of the sort. That’s his actual photograph!