A Charlie & Tammy Faye Christmas

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Now we come to the finale of our Christmas music series. Christmas music by actual Christians! Yes, a few people who celebrate Christmas really are Christians! They’re Johnny-come-latelies to the party, but they’re welcome to enjoy the holiday too.

I know you’ve been secretly wondering when I would let Charlie out of his cage. You knew he had to have a Christmas album. Well this is your lucky holiday. He has two Christmas albums!

Charlie the Hamster Sings Christmas Songs

Charlie sings

Charlie the Hamster is the cheap Christian knock-off of Alvin and the Chipmunks. But unlike Shirley and Squirrely, Charlie’s records are actually well produced and well written (for what they are, anyway). And what they are is pure Christian evangelism. Hallelujah!

Charlie was the creation of Floyd Robinson, who is the human you hear accompanying Charlie in these songs. Floyd eventually got sued by Alvin and the Chipmunks for ripping off their idea, so he had to pull all these albums off the market and euthanize Charlie.

I’m guessing that Charlie got into the business of pushing Christianity via record albums, because it isn’t safe for a hamster to go door to door with a stack of Watchtowers. Whereas you have to turn the hose on Jehovah’s Witnesses, you only need to turn the cat onto Charlie.

This album is called Charlie the Hamster Sings Christmas Songs, which was published in 1976. Our song from this album is called “Christmas Yodel”. It’s surprisingly tame for a Charlie song. This song is entirely about Santa. He doesn’t mention Jesus once.

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Christmas Yodel

Why’s everyone so happy,
Why’s everyone filled with glee
Bells are ringin’ everybody’s singin’
Happy as can be

(yodeling)

Why is everyone decorating
On a green, green tree
With ornaments, tinsel, bells, and toys
As pretty as can be

(yodeling)

Why the anticipation and expectancy
Who’s everyone expectin’
Comin’ down the chim-i-ney

(yodeling, more yodeling, and giggling)

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

Are we sure he is actually singing? It sounds more like Floyd has very cold hands and is checking Charlie for hernias.

Charlie the Hamster Plays Christmas Songs

Charlie plays

For some reason, this album has almost the exact same title, and it came out the same year! I have no idea what scam they were trying to pull.

This song is all about loving Jesus and Christmas. This is a pretty forgettable song, except for some good keyboard work. This is the only song I was able to find from this album. Charlie must have been under contract for two albums, so he just slummed on this one. Bad hamster! Jesus wouldn’t do a half-assed job! Somebody just lost his hamster-ball privileges for a week.

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One thing I’ll say about Charlie is that he seems to always be in a good mood. You never hear Charlie bellyaching about being “persecuted”. Charlie never bitches about a “war on Christmas” or “activist judges” or any of those other made-up fantasies (God is the only fantasy Charlie needs!). So I don’t want to hear another word out of you Christians out there. A fictional hamster has a better perspective on life than the rest of you.

Don’t Cry. I’ve Got Some Tammy Faye Bakker for You!

Tammy Faye cries

Our final album this season is Christmas with Susie and Allie, starring Tammy Faye Bakker. Based on the picture, I’m assuming that Allie is an alligator. Since he’s voiced by Tammy Faye, does that mean he sheds crocodile tears?

This album is from 1984, which I think was at the height of the PTL empire, before the whole thing unraveled. All Tammy Faye had to do was sniffle a little in those days, and Jim would let her cut another album.

What’s amazing about these songs is that she couldn’t carry a tune as it was, but then she distorts her voice to sing as Allie. So she takes something that’s unbearable and makes it intolerable.

Here she is singing “Frosty the Snowman”:

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If you thought that was a joy, you don’t know the definition of joy. Here are Tammy Faye and Allie singing about the ultimate joy:

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Remember. This song is better than anything in Pokemon Christmas Bash. Perspective. It’s important to always keep things in perspective.

4 Responses to “A Charlie & Tammy Faye Christmas”

  1. Bacopa Says:

    He should have made them cotton rats:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotton_rat

    I have recently become friends with two wild caught cotton rats kept in captivity for two weeks. They are more tame than most hamsters.

  2. Ron Britton Says:

    Hamsters are the most annoying of all the rodents. I don’t know why they’re kept as pets.

    He could have also made them Rattus norvegicus:

    Mrs. Dash, R.I.P.

  3. Parrotlover77 Says:

    You mammal lovers. Please.

  4. Leigh Fan Says:

    Exactly what really does most people in this case say when these people call at the doorstep?