Strange Christmas Albums, Part 2
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Here are a few more peculiar Christmas albums that I found on the internet.
Hey Shirley, This is Squirrely
Yes, it’s those monstrosities of the sped-up tape deck, Shirley and Squirrely! This album continues their habit of not only ripping off Alvin and the Chipmunks, but Porky Pig as well. This album is so “good” that I’m forced to share two tracks with you. Aren’t you glad you stopped by today?
Let’s start with “A Squirrely Christmas”:
Did you catch the logical fallacy? Scrooge Squirrel said “If all those squirrels believe in the spirit of Christmas, maybe I should too.” What a crock! That’s the “appeal to the majority” fallacy. If his only standard of evidence is that everybody else believes it, then the next thing you know, he’ll be believing in God!
In this next track,
Porky Pig Melvin tells us about the night before Christmas:
Frankly, I’m surprised at Santa. His job is too important. Too many people are depending on him. He shouldn’t risk contracting Hantavirus by delivering to a squirrel’s nest.
Let’s return to Bizarre Records for the next two albums.
Casting Carol Channing is a strange choice in any role. Her strangest of strange roles was probably in Skidoo, an acid trip on celluloid. That is the movie that has Groucho’s head rotating on a stick.
Whoever thought this album was a good idea should have his head on a stick as well. I’m not sure what else I can say about it to warn you off. Just be glad this excerpt is under two minutes. Be sure to listen through to the end, when she starts quoting Santa Claus. She really gets into the role.
Now you see why I gave you Squirrely’s version first. I had to ease you into this one. I don’t think you could have handled it without tightening up your ear muscles first and giving you practice suppressing the gag reflex.
Korean White Christmas
Speaking of Korean diseases, here’s a Korean version of “White Christmas”. If we had this recording in 1950, we could have broadcast it into the north and won the Korean war in a day. Fortunately, we have it now. Just set up some speakers at the edge of the DMZ. If Kim Jong-Il sends a horde southward, just blare this thing, and they’ll drop like flies.
Jesus Ain’t Some Two-Bit Messiah
This last track I have for you is actually quite good, you just have to take it in small doses. I don’t know what an entire album of this stuff might do to the human brain.
I present to you: 8-Bit Jesus! It’s an entire album (18 songs!) of Christmas music played on an 8-bit synthesizer. This music is designed to sound like it’s coming from an old Nintendo video game. The songs are all renamed to have a video game tie-in. For example, their version of “What Child is This”, which I present below, is called “What Guardian is Legend”. Apparently that’s a reference to a game called Guardian Legend. Yes, the names are kind of forced. I never had an NES, so I’m not familiar with the game. I like this album, though, because my Atari 800 made sounds like these. (And yes, Star Raiders is still one of the best computer games ever written. I even beat it at the toughest level when not one of my friends could! Ha! Bow down before me!)
I chose this track not because it’s the best or worst. It has a good beat, and you can blast aliens to it.
Oh, and BTW, you can download this entire album for free(!) at their web site.
Poke Me in the Eye So I Can’t Peek at You
Finally, look at the bullet you just dodged:
Yes, it’s the Pokemon Christmas Bash. I actually downloaded this thing off the internet yesterday and was going to play you one of the tracks, but they were all horrible. HORRIBLE!! I mean worse than Shirley and Squirrely horrible. Worse than Tammy Faye Bakker horrible*. By the time I had finished listening to just a piece of each song, I felt something warm running down the side of my neck and discovered that my brain was oozing out of my ear.
* (Foreshadowing. The sign of good literature!)