Of course, he was capable of amazing things which may have appeared to be divine in nature to the uninitiated but were, in fact, him exercising his mastery of the Force. I’m betting Jesus had a very high Midi-Chlorian count in his cells, which would not only account for his powers but might also have inspired the otherwise ridiculous idea of drinking his blood and eating his flesh. People only wanted his powers!

Jesus was also said to have died, disappeared bodily, and reanimated in some fashion, appearing before some as an apparition or simply speaking to people in moments of quiet contemplation. As we know from our studies of Star Wars, upon death a Jedi like Master Yoda simply vanished. Perhaps Jesus was as strong with the Force as the diminutive master. Qui-Gon Jinn was capable of communing with Yoda from the netherreaches of the Force or shouting a warning to Anakin Skywalker before he slaughtered Sandpeople. Jesus is claimed by millions to have spoken directly to them. Obi-Wan Kenobi managed to appear in bodily form to Luke Skywalker, but apparently to no one else, suggesting only Jedi can perceive his form. It would explain why no other person or Ewok shit themselves upon seeing three fucking ghosts crashing their victory celebration. On our planet, visual sightings of Jesus are limited to televangelists like Oral Roberts who once saw a 900 ft. version of the man while everyone else missed it. Amazing.

Other bits of evidence may seem trivial, but are corroborating nonetheless. Pictures of Jesus are very consistent in depicting Jesus in robes similar to traditional Jedi attire. Jedi were also forbidden to become involved with another person, lest they lose their perspective and use their powers for less than noble reasons. Jesus’s chastity has been fiercely defended by people who hate “The DaVinci Code”.

But the final bit of evidence is, in my opinion, the strongest. Anakin Skywalker was born without a father. Jesus Christ was born without a father. All I can say is if its good enough for Anakin Skywalker, its damn well good enough for Jesus Christ!

One is left to wonder why Jesus isn’t reported to have demonstrated remarkable fighting skills or to have used a lightsaber in the name of the Lord. Perhaps his pacifism was all-consuming. Also, he probably figured out that in a world of bronze-age dimwits the chances of anyone else having a lightsaber were pretty fucking slim, so why bother?

At least it all makes more sense than the whole “Son of God, atonement for sins, path to salvation” thing.

Other galaxies have cool names such as Sextans Dwarf, Canis Major, Large Magellanic Cloud, and Pegasus. And what are we? We’re a stinking candy bar!

Personally, I don’t mind being named after a candy bar. Some of my favorite people in college were named after candy bars, and they were all quite tasty. Of course, if you’ve been listening to all this crap, I can see why you’ve raised your standards in other areas. As a mild tangent, if Big Dog isn’t cool, but Canis Major is cool, what about Via Lacteus? Via Mammalia?

Wow, the sacrifices you make for this blog! You actually have to listen to this stuff.

I actually have to listen to them several times, in order to make sure it qualifies as hideous enough and to find stupid stuff to make fun of.

I must disagree about one thing, though: The Milky Way is a great name for a galaxy. You really think “Big Dog” is better, to say nothing of “Large Magellanic Cloud”?

“Big Dog” is a sucky name, but Canis Major is cool! And that other galaxy isn’t just a cloud. It’s not just a large cloud. It’s named after a great explorer. It gets points for that. “Milky Way” just sounds too wimpy.

I must disagree about one thing, though: The Milky Way is a great name for a galaxy. You really think “Big Dog” is better, to say nothing of “Large Magellanic Cloud”?