H is for Hopeless

Ms. H

Ms. H

Guess what’s sitting in my inbox? Another email from Bill Johnson of the American Decency Association! Some people have to pay for their comedy. Mine arrives for free by email.

As you know, BJ has been excited of late about the underdressed mannequins in Victoria’s Secret store windows. He also has a hard-on for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, which ran on CBS last week. He sent me an email about that show right before it aired. I just can’t keep up with all of this great material he sends me, so I had to let that one get away. He apparently saw that I was unable to ridicule him on that topic, so he’s giving me another chance.

In today’s screed, he tells us about an email that one of his deluded followers sent to Victoria’s Secret, their response, and then her response to that! To protect her privacy, BJ refers to his zombie minion only as “Ms. H”. That’s good. If I were one of BJ’s brain dead followers, I wouldn’t want that information made public either. BJ says:

This email is written by a Jonathan Blum formerly (I believe) of Yum Brands. I base this observation on two things: (1) it is an unusual name, and, (2) If this is the same Mr. Blum, he writes with the same sarcastic tone as he did when he was the public relations man for Yum Brands.

BJ writes so many complaint letters to all the corporations in America that he’s getting know all the PR people! BJ, I’m shocked at your rudeness! You should have sent Mr. Blum a card congratulating him on the career move!

BTW, I wouldn’t say that Mr. Blum is being especially sarcastic in the following response. BJ probably just interprets it that way. BJ seems to be offended by everything he sees. I guess he’s just a sensitive guy. Tell you what, BJ. Why don’t you eat an entire pint of chocolate ice cream and then draw yourself a nice warm bubble bath. Put in lots of those lavender bath salts. And call your girlfriends and tell them how your day has been going.

Anyway, here is Jonathan Blum’s email response to Ms. H’s angry email about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

Dear Ms. H.,
While I understand your position on the fashion show, I’m afraid I don’t agree with it. The show aired on CBS at 9pm. I’m personally glad we live in a nation with the First Amendment’s freedom of speech, and encourage those (like me) who aren’t interested in watching shows of this nature to exercise their own free speech and change the channel. Thanks for your feedback and we hope to win back your loyalty some day. Sincerely, Jonathan Blum

Change the channel? What kind of crazy notion is that? Apparently it’s too crazy for Ms. H. Here’s what she immediately fired back to Mr. Blum (with helpful commentary by yours truly interjected where it can produce the most ridicule):

Dear Mr. Blum,
I also believe in a freedom of speech but also believe it should be governed by God’s principles like most of our legal system traditionally had been modeled after….

Ms. H is confused. She must think she’s still living in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan.

I don’t think people should be allowed to lie about others…

But lying about our legal system is apparently OK.

…parade around with no clothes in public…

Maybe we don’t want you to parade around with no clothes on, Ms. H, but have you seen some of those Victoria’s Secret models? They’re hot!

…condemn people for their race which is God given.

Or for their sexuality, which is God given.

It sounds like your philosophy is anything goes, even though it could be harming others by contributing to the delinquency of a minor…

Since when does looking at a smoking-hot model in skimpy attire cause juvenile delinquency? Do 13-year-old boys sit down to watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, immediately pop a woody, grab Dad’s gun out of the closet, and run down to the corner liquor store and rob it? I had no idea how close I came to delinquency in my youth! (Back then, we didn’t have vile images on TV such as scantily-clad women. I had to sneak peaks at Playboy. I can’t believe I’m not serving 8–15 at Pelican Bay this very moment.)

…or causing others to wrongfully lust.

(Insert sound of record needle scratching across surface.)

What? Lust? That’s your whole thing? You’re afraid of a little lust? Jeezus Freakin’ Christ, lady! Lust is normal! Lust is healthy! Apparently we need to get our kids off Ritalin and onto estrogen. That’ll keep them from lusting. No, wait. That would make the girls lust. OK. The girls can stay on Ritalin. The boys switch to estrogen. No, wait. That will make them gay. Hey Ms. H! I have the perfect solution to this problem. Let’s just castrate our kids! That’s what you really want.

Ms. H ends with:

I’ve heard there is a large percentage of rapes following viewing of pornography.

And I’ve heard that Ms. H blows sailors for quarters and gives change. I know that information is true. I pulled it out of my ass.

8 Responses to “H is for Hopeless”

  1. cipher Says:

    Exposing thirteen-year old boys to lingerie models will cause them to become, er… occupied. It could actually keep them from delinquency. They’ll be home, and their parents will know what they’re doing.

    As far as Mr. Blum’s tone is concerned — fundies can’t tell sarcasm from irony from elementary politeness from — well, anything, for that matter.

  2. Thomas Says:

    I came of age in the time before the internet and I was quite the delinquent, mostly because I had un-exercised sexual energy. Perhaps if I had had a better outlet for it than arson and shoplifting copies of Hustler, the world would be a better place.

  3. Lindsay Says:

    I wonder if the entire email to Yum Brands is posted on that site…because Victoria’s Secret’s parent company is not Yum (that would be KFC/Taco Hell/Pizza Hut, etc)…it is Limited Brands. So Ron, from what I understand, she couldn’t even write a letter to the right company…she was complaining to KFC about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show?

    If that is what happened, I’ll wet myself laughing about it!

  4. sue blue Says:

    Now, all good Christians know that pornography and masturbation are leading to the downfall of civilization as we know it. Well…that and the gays. And abortion. And the War on Christmas. Why doesn’t God just melt those filthy mannequins with his fiery wrath and save all our horny young men from temptation?

  5. Ron Britton Says:

    Lindsay:

    from what I understand, she couldn’t even write a letter to the right company

    No, she wrote to Limited Brands. It was BJ who mentioned Yum Brands. BJ has had an ongoing feud with Yum for its advertising on TV shows that BJ wants to keep the rest of America from watching. I’m glad I have BJ to tell me what I shouldn’t watch.

  6. 8643 Says:

    Since when does looking at a smoking-hot model in skimpy attire cause juvenile delinquency?

    I suspect she thinks it IS delinquency.

  7. Lindsay Says:

    Well at least Mrs. H did end up getting the right company. I suppose BJ is so blinded by outrage that he couldn’t take his focus off of Yum brands!

    Speaking of which…one of the shopping centers I work with had a guy proclaiming he was God try to come and collect rent earlier this week. Apparently not only do the tenants have to pay rent to my company but now they owe God a cut of sales. I have to say that God picked the wrong year for trying to get a cut of sales!

  8. Modusoperandi Says:

    I also believe in a freedom of speech but also believe it should be
    governed by God’s principles like most of our legal system traditionally had been modeled after…

    Actually, the Christian Nation was overturned in the case of First Commandment v. First Amendment.

    Do 13-year-old boys sit down to watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, immediately pop a woody, grab Dad’s gun out of the closet, and run down to the corner liquor store and rob it?

    Good god, man! It’s just like Reefer Madness, but with boobies! Won’t somebody think of the children?!