Strike Up the Banned


If you’re like me, you probably wonder about Bill Johnson of the American Decency Association. Things such as: How can anybody be that sexually repressed? Have he and his wife … um … you know … “done it”? (I’m betting no) And: What does he do all day, when he’s not busy trying to ban TV shows? (and ban magazine ads about TV shows) (and ban magazines) (oh, and ban scantily-clad mannequins; we mustn’t forget the scantily-clad mannequins)

He seems like a busy guy with all of that going on, so you’d think he wouldn’t have time for anything else. You’re forgetting what we learned in our last episode: BJ doesn’t have a TV! That gives him lots of time to acquire new hobbies, such as banning books! Let’s see what he says in his latest email:

I became aware through my efforts to strengthen Michigan’s obscenity laws, that the greatest objectors to such efforts were the local public libraries. I then discovered behind this opposition was the American Library Association.

Tell me, BJ, who is the ALA, and why are they bad?

Indeed, the ALA is a very liberal association with concerning influence upon our local communities nationwide.

Say no more! I’m convinced. They’re liberal. They must be evil!

One time in my local community a friend’s son came across a magazine in the public library that had advertisements for pornography. He asked if there was anything that he could do.

Yes. Find out if they take Visa.

Anyway, he goes on to relate a story about how this guy complained to the library, they had a meeting of the review board, and “humiliated” him by not removing the offensive advertisement from the magazine. Yawn. This is apparently the most grievous abuse of power that BJ has seen in the last 20 years. BJ seems to be easily upset. Maybe if he got laid more often, he wouldn’t be such a tight ass. And speaking of tight asses, there’s a particular form of intercourse that can solve that problem, too.


19 Responses to “Strike Up the Banned”

  1. Thomas Says:

    I think the larger issue is that most rabid conservatives want to end all incarnations of government that aren’t some form of law enforcement, military or insurance system for corporate bigwigs.

    While the list of agencies to be abolished includes such obvious things as Medicare, Social Security, NASA and the FDA, this also includes more humble institutions like libraries. They completely ignore the fact that the promotion of literacy and learning are the hallmarks of a civilized society and absolutely essential to a just and functioning democracy but those things never much concerned them anyway.

    So, in honor of that, I’m going to go have a marathon sin session reading “Fanny Hill,” “Stranger in a Strange Land” and “Are You There, God, It’s Me, Margret,” because we still live in a marginally free country and because, for the moment, I can.

  2. mu Says:

    Close but no cigar Thomas. They’re just authoritarians and authoritarians like to punish people.

  3. Brian Says:

    I think there is only one humane way to deal with religious fundamentalists: get them all laid. The alternative methods are messy, immoral and may involve the authorities, so its best to steer clear of those.

    I think the benefits to all of humanity would be obvious. Let’s start with those crazy, angry Muslims. Its no secret that men in Islam are taught at the earliest possible age to regard women as second-class people, and that their feminine wiles exist for the sole purpose of tempting men from following the stultifying, oppressive, dictatorial edicts of one Muhammad, whose debauchery with the ladies and children was not a well-kept secret. Male adherents of Islam (at least the crazier ones) believe that a life spent in chastity and ended in a fit of martyrdom will be rewarded with a bevy of virgins in Paradise. Hilariously, the whole 72 virgins at your lustful disposal may be a mistranslation of the Arabic word “huri”, which means, somewhat disappointingly, “white grapes”. Imagine their surprise upon discovering that the paradise they were promised could just as easily have been had in a box of Raisinets. Sexually repressed in life, and not a very good chance of scoring in the afterlife. No wonder they hate us for our freedom – freedom to get it on, that is. Is it not, then, a matter of national security, in the interest of stopping the next terrorist attack, that we open up as many Moonlite Bunny franchises as we can throughout the Middle East? I say the time is now.

    In college, I knew a few people to whom the fairer sex had not yet paid any attention, if you follow my meaning. I count myself in that category for a short period of time my freshman year. Once freed from the bonds of virginity, I noticed that I began to relax more, I had a higher level of self-esteem, and I wasn’t so damned uptight all the time. Unlike other people who found themselves in the same empty boat, I wasn’t hindered by primitive religious orthodoxy about sex, which allowed me to be in the right place at the right time and frakking enjoy it.

    Virtually all of the people I knew who were “savin’ it” were, of course, Christians. Some of them, I’m guessing, used Christianity as an excuse for their poor batting average with the opposite sex, but most of them were proud to have abstained from the temptations of the flesh, and made damn sure you knew what they believed your eternal disposition would be because of your sinful dalliances. I contend that if each of these people had had just one good orgasm with a consenting partner, they wouldn’t have been so concerned with the naked shenanigans of the people around them. Hell, they might have even started to enjoy life as it is, and instead not look forward to the day when it will end.

    I realize what I am proposing may seem irresponsible in an age of rampant STDs and out-of-control birthrates. Of course I fully advocate the use of safe-sex contraceptives and access to legal and safe abortions should the need arise. Besides, only those fundies who either want to kill us or to legislate the intimate details of our sex lives for us should qualify for mandatory, interventionary intercourse. Nerds, geeks and dorks, you’re still on your own. Sorry. You’ll have to make do with internet porn.

  4. The Watcher Says:

    Ha ha! “Find out of they take Visa!” πŸ™‚

  5. Randy Says:

    No doubt our good Mr. Johnson (hey, isn’t that a sexual inuendo?) probably has a well-used Sears catalogue hidden in the bathroom, permanently opened to the granny panty page!

  6. ericsan Says:

    Okay, I would be completely off-topic if it weren’t for the fact that she’s been actively scheming to ban books from public libraries since gaining public office — have you heard Palin’s new nickname? Caribou Barbie!

  7. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Virtually all of the people I knew who were β€œsavin’ it” were, of course, Christians. Some of them, I’m guessing, used Christianity as an excuse for their poor batting average with the opposite sex, but most of them were proud to have abstained from the temptations of the flesh, and made damn sure you knew what they believed your eternal disposition would be because of your sinful dalliances.

    I hated those frakking idiots. I couldn’t get laid to save my life until I was 25 and those who didn’t assume I was just The Ghey thought for sure I was “savin’ it” when, in fact, the reality was I just had NO game. Shy computer nerds didn’t become “in” until I was already married. Not that I’m bitter or anything. πŸ˜‰

    But, yea, I can completely vouche for your point here. I became much more relaxed and was able to enjoy life a helluva lot more once I had started getting some sweetness from the blessed fruit regularly.

  8. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Wow Stephanie Miller’s “caribou barbie” nickname for Palin is spreading…

  9. Barbara Says:

    I still like “Bible Spice”.

  10. Lindsay Says:

    Brian I really enjoyed your commentary.

    I find it ironic that fundies blame libruls for wanting to expand government…yet more censorship and regulation of our sexuality? I’m sorry, but that is a little too much government in my life thank you!

  11. LadyRavana Says:

    They’re Fundies. Their appalling hypocrisy really knows no bounds.

  12. Sue Blue Says:

    Brian – I think you’re on to something! You know these people are seriously repressed when they think the biggest problem facing our country is “sexshul immuralitay”. When they’re ready and willing to stone people for having sex, you just know they aren’t getting any. And once they get it all worked out of their systems, maybe they can focus on real issues – like stoning Wall Street bankers and their cronies.

  13. Brian Says:

    Its funny how something suggested in jest actually has a bit of plausibility to it. I wish Obama would make this idea of a “Fundie Sexual Bailout Plan” part of his foreign policy portfolio. Think of the numerous ticking human time bombs a good BJ (blow job, not Bill Johnson) could defuse. Really, is there any more tense, pent-up person in this world than an Islamic terrorist?

    As for our home-grown fundies, I suggest air-dropping Fred Phelps onto Fire Island. There must be someone in the gay community willing to “take one for the team” and give this decrepit, odious piece of work that which he so clearly lusts after: glorious, sinful man-love. Only then will his passion find a constructive outlet besides making a complete ass of himself, and his family, at military funerals.

    So from this point on, whenever I say “Fuck Religion”, I mean it in only the most literal sense and with the love of one human being to another. So c’mon everyone! Let’s go out and screw some Christians!

  14. ericsan Says:

    Okay, I’m sorry, I’m not taking one for the team… I’ll call Romaine from the Derek & Romaine show on Sirius OutQ, I’m sure she can send him some toys to keep him busy. Maybe a Monkey Rocker (google it)

  15. Ron Britton Says:

    Or at the very least, two wetsuits.

  16. Chuck Says:

    BJ probably has a small dick as well as a tight ass…but usually tops don’t care about dick size, so he could at least get the tight ass problem fixed XP

  17. Blaidd Drwg Says:

    A couple of points:

    “Innuendo”, even though it sounds like it is NOT Italian for “Suppository”

    “Saving myself for marriage” is usually christo-code for “I struck out again”.

    Lindsay, remember, right-wing-nuts want to expand the size of government, just in the “right” areas. They don’t care about education, environmental protection, or equal rights for women or (definitely) ‘blackfellas’. The right wing wants to place a monitoring device in every bedroom, to make sure you aren’t having ‘unnatural’ sex with anyone, and no sex at all, unless it’s in the missionary position, with your spouse, and only for reproduction.

  18. Parrotlover77 Says:

    …and only if you are not enjoying it.

  19. ericsan Says:

    To Blaidd Drwg: Yai! Another Doctor fan on BoF πŸ™‚