Is Chocolate Jesus Spongeworthy?

He just likes chocolate. That's all.

Spongebob sees something he likes!

Brian sent me a link to an article at Cracked: “7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off”. It lists seven benign things that have nevertheless upset the fundies.

The list includes Starbucks, Dr. Who, Coca-Cola, a Wisconsin public school, and of course, Harry Potter.

Also included on that list was that most fabulous of sponges and a chocolate Jesus (see above).

I had the naive idea that I would just do a fast Google image search for a suitable Spongebob that I could composite with the Jesus to make the picture you see above. I found more. So much more that it rocked me to my core.

I had no idea that the radical cartoon-wing agenda to sexualize our children is more widespread than any of us previously believed. If you doubt me, read this exposé:

Other cartoon perverts

I have even uncovered evidence that Spongebob’s whole gay act is nothing more than a front. He is actually a very hetero sponge. Exhibit A:

Your eyes would be bugging out too

In fact, he has that most enviable of all heterosexual jobs: the gigolo! He provides a very intimate service for women:

For hours of fun!

Here is a diagram of him at work:

On the job with Spongebob

But now that I’ve blown his cover, he has issued denials worldwide. Here’s one from Ecuador:

Spongebob's feeble denial. He's not fooling anyone.

Unfortunately, the denials weren’t enough. Spongebob has been caught on numerous occasions by jealous husbands and boyfriends and suitably dealt with. Although some people can carry a toon, apparently nobody can kill one.

Attempt #1

Murdered in a back alley

Attempt #2

I thought those Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloons were bigger

Attempt #3

The opening scene of 'Sunset Boulevard'

Attempt #4

Bob the Knife

2 Responses to “Is Chocolate Jesus Spongeworthy?”

  1. Scorpious Says:

    Why do I get the scary feeling that, if he isn’t already, SpongeBob here will become the new Barney?

    In the attempts above to kill him, the first three almost don’t seem to phase him one bit. In fact, in the first two attempts, he almost seems to be enjoying it. Masochist. Attempt number four, however, that should at least leave him with a nasty scar if not kill him outright.

  2. Sue Blue Says:

    Chocolate Jesus says, “Eat me!!”