God Did Not Make Klingons

An Article by Guest-Writer ParrotLover77

[Note: My life is momentarily complicated by a Michelle Duggar paternity suit. It’s going to take me a few days to settle up (ever wonder how they make ends meet?), so I won’t be able to blog. ParrotLover has graciously volunteered to help out. With his DNA, I should be able to get off the hook. In the meantime, please enjoy this article that he has written for us. Thank you, ParrotLover! You can also visit his own website. Buy some music. Look at parrots.

All of the artwork in this article is from the brilliant Heathen World. Visit them too.

—Ron Britton, editor-in-grief]

It's an invasion!

Ron has been very busy and asked me to submit a guest article on BoF to keep the content fresh.  I was honored that he would think a mere tech blogger could write for his amazing blog!  Then I was slammed with some of the worst writer’s block I’ve had in ages.  What the heck do I blog about?  Well, I had a few ideas about politics and religion, but nothing came to fruition.  The fingers just didn’t want to strike the keys.  So I decided to visit our old friends at the Answers in Genesis website for inspiration, and boy did I find some!  So today I will discuss an article written by Ken Ham (founder and president of Answers in Genesis–USA) called, Do I Believe in UFOs? Absolutely!

In his article, Ken is trying to convince the reader that life simply cannot exist elsewhere in the universe, because the bible says so.  Is there ANYTHING the bible cannot do?  It slices, it dices, it turns your brain to mush!

Let’s dig into his article and get snarky. *rubs hands*

Occasionally at conferences, someone will ask, “Do you believe in UFOs?”

What conferences would AiG attend where attendees ask that sort of question?  Maybe the alien abductee and literal creation kooks are cut from the same mold…

I usually answer, “Absolutely! Any flying object that can’t be identified is a UFO.”

Wow, that’s actually very intelligent… and almost snarky (me like)!  I almost didn’t expect Mr. Ham to start out so sensible.  Indeed, the word UFO has been, for quite some time, used in contexts it wasn’t meant to be used.  Unidentified Flying Object means just that: it’s flying, it’s an object, and it’s unidentified.  That doesn’t mean it’s from outer space carrying little gray men with big black eyes equipped with a variety of anal probes.

Those bastards!

I then continue, “But do I believe in UFOs piloted by Vulcans, Klingons, or Cardassians? The answer is a definite no.” Sorry, Star Trek fans!

Why is he apologizing?  Are there Trek fans that would actually be offended by that statement?  I’m a fan of the Trek, but I certainly don’t believe the aliens made up on that show are real nor have any possibility of being close to real extra-terrestrial life.  After all, Trek’s bastardization of the concept of evolution really doesn’t fit into reality (every planet has a humanoid—what are the odds!).  But I understand that it’s a lot of work just to get a different looking humanoid alien.  One that is TRULY alien would be well over budget and difficult to script.  But I digress… Skipping a little…

A good friend of mine, Dr. Clifford Wilson, author of the million-copy bestseller Crash Go the Chariots, did a lot of research on UFOs. He once told me that he concluded that by far the majority were either misunderstood natural phenomena or misinterpreted manmade objects.

That’s a very reasonable conclusion.

However, he did conclude there was a very small percentage that couldn’t be explained, and he allowed the possibility of some supernatural origin—albeit evil. But regardless, he, like me, does not believe in intelligent physical beings on planets other than our earth.

Fascinating.  So, intelligent life originating on planets other than Earth is far-fetched, but evil supernatural spirits—why, that’s completely plausible!  Very Chick.   So, Mr. Ham has some amazing evidence to back up this very broad conclusion he has come to, right?

A number of leading evolutionists, like the late Dr. Carl Sagan, have popularized the idea that there must be intelligent life in outer space. From an evolutionary perspective, it would make sense to suggest such a possibility. People who believe this possibility contend that, if life evolved on earth by natural processes, intelligent life must exist somewhere else in the far reaches of space, given the size of the universe and the millions of possible planets.

Okay, first of all, Carl Sagan was an astronomer, not an evolutionist (whatever that is; I guess I’m a “gravitist” since I believe in gravity).  Also, evolution has nothing to do with whether or not a planet can support life and whether life can begin to exist out of the biochemical building block precursors to life (as is speculated to have happened on earth billions of years ago).  That process of the origins of life is known as “abiogenesis,” NOT evolution.

All that said, evolutionary theory does seem to postulate that if life arises, it will eventually become clever if given the correct external pressures (at least if it is similar to life on Earth).  As for intelligent life capable of using radio communication (as per SETI)—that’s just mathematics (again, not evolution).  There seems to be a pretty good probability of there being intelligent life out there somewhere.  Whether or not we will ever communicate with them, nobody really knows because we don’t have enough information.  We listen for them because we don’t think they’ll land here like Stan Romanek‘s aliens.

One can postulate endlessly about possibilities of intelligent life in outer space, but I believe a Christian worldview, built on the Bible, rejects such a possibility. Here is why.

Remember that amazing evidence I wanted?  Yes.  I was let down.

Payback!

During the six days of creation in Genesis, we learn that God created the earth first. On Day 4 He made the sun and the moon for the earth, and then “he made the stars also” (Genesis 1:16).

Far be it from me to criticize a deity, but why did it take three days to make the earth when it only took one day to make all the other matter in the entire universe?  Talk about a learning curve!  I guess when you begin by making “day and night” before you make the planet you are making the day and night for; you are starting out on the wrong foot.

From these passages of Scripture it would seem that the earth is very special—it is center stage. Everything else was made for purposes relating to the earth. For instance, the sun, moon, and stars were made “for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years” (Genesis 1:14).

It seems a little bit inefficient to make the great majority of the universe (which is unimaginably vast) just as sign posts and time keeping devices for the inhabitants of this little blue planet.  But this is what one truly believes when one’s reason hitchhikes its way to a dive bar, drinks too much, and drives its car into the river.

Okay, so Mr. Ham goes on and on about how the bible clearly says that the Earth is very very VERY special because the bible says so.  Let’s skip down to the part about aliens.

Take a tour!

Now here is the problem. If there are intelligent beings on other planets, then they would have been affected by the fall of Adam because the whole creation was affected. So these beings would have to die because death was the penalty for sin. One day their planet will be destroyed by fire during God’s final judgment, but they cannot have salvation because that blessing is given only to humans.

Screw you, aliens!  You didn’t know about a religion on a planet billions of light years from you, so you are screwed for eternity!  No matter that you didn’t have anything to do with “the fall.”  The deity of the cosmos is going to create you, throw a temper tantrum, and punish you, because of what the first human did.  And there is NOTHING you can do!

When Jesus Christ stepped into history, He became the God-man. The Bible calls Him “the last Adam” and the “second man” (1 Corinthians 15:45, 47). He became the second perfect man (Adam was perfect before he sinned)…

Hold on here, Hammy.  Isn’t that basically saying Adam was perfect until he wasn’t?  If Adam was perfect, he would never have sinned!  Oh wait, I forgot.  It’s all womankind’s fault for tempting poor innocent Adam.  And as a result, we’re all paying for it (even those innocent space aliens).  Talk about a bad temper!

…and He took the place of the first Adam by dying for the human race. As the first Adam was the representative head of the human race, so Jesus became the new head, the last Adam. So there can be no other Savior, only Christ. Jesus now sits in the heavens, still in human form, sitting on His throne next to the Father. If Jesus stepped out of His human form, we would no longer have a Savior. He remains the God-man forever.

Okay, that last bit of babbling made no sense, but I wanted to include it just for its laughableness.

But note, Jesus didn’t become a “God-Klingon,” a “God-Vulcan,” or a “God-Cardassian”—He became the God-man. It wouldn’t make sense theologically for there to be other intelligent, physical beings who suffer because of Adam’s sin but cannot be saved.

You are correct; theologically it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Now, regarding animal life and plants, we cannot be so dogmatic because the Bible does not state whether life exists elsewhere in the universe. Based on the passages about the heavens and earth, however, I strongly suspect that life does not exist elsewhere.

Okay, so let me get this straight… Animals and plants (wait—aren’t humans animals?) can exist elsewhere in the universe, because, heck, the bible is mute on that issue.  But intelligent life certainly cannot exist because that would mean God would have to punish them for eternity for not being around when Jayzus came to save us all from the first human’s mistake.  This is draining the batteries on my logic-meter. 

So the next time you hear someone talking about UFOs, think on the Scripture passages quoted above, and use them to segue into a presentation of the gospel: “For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive” (1 Corinthians 15:21-22).

Remember, UFO abductee loons are just confusing alien anal probes with the pleasure that is the holy spirit.

Army surplus!

23 Responses to “God Did Not Make Klingons”

  1. Sarah Says:

    Oy vey…this person just…Oy fuckin vey. Parrot, my faith in humanity has just dropped down another 50 points from just reading this.

    And it reminds me of this…not sure if you or Ron have seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKNFDfZ2Nkg

  2. LadyRavana Says:

    O.o

    …Yet another fundie website to be avoided. Parrot, you deserve a medal of honor for wading through this idiocy. You and Ron both.

    …My brain hurts from reading the stupid of that article. Your snark is the only thing that made it bearable.

    Their stupid is just…I honestly can’t wrap my head around it. I really can’t.

    Screw you, aliens! You didn’t know about a religion on a planet billions of light years from you, so you are screwed for eternity! No matter that you didn’t have anything to do with “the fall.” The deity of the cosmos is going to create you, throw a temper tantrum, and punish you, because of what the first human did. And there is NOTHING you can do!

    Okay, so there are billions of people around the world. They have their own religions/belief systems. While many aren’t perfect, they have their own ideas of God (or Gods.) Say there’s someone who believes differently, but spend their time doing humanitarian and compassionate acts, doesn’t proselytize their particular faith, isn’t a hypocrite, etc. They never heard of the Gospel, or accepted the Gospel. At the end of his/her life, is this person really going to be condemned to hell because they didn’t drink the Jesus juice, yet some nutball who’s scammed a bunch of people, spends all of his donations on a megachurch and a huge mansion, and doesn’t give A DIME of his money to a charitable organization, and doesn’t do a thing to help his fellow man, and yet because this guy preaches about Jayzus, HE’S the one that gets the “free ticket to heaven?”

    Sooo…by that logic, only white-bread Christian FUNDIES get to go to heaven. Oh, I see. To hell with everyone else, THEY’RE speshul and chozen!

    Wow…if the Fundies are right, then this is one hell of an unfair Universe, and we have one insane Deity.

    The more of the crazy I see, the more grateful I am that I’ve decided to side with those who have…you know, brains, and use logic. I grew up “Christian” but upwards from the age of 16 worked to de-program myself. I never could be a good candidate for organized religion because I have a little thing called independent thought, reason, and a nasty habit of questioning authority. :p

    Sorry this comment got so long…guess I got carried away, lol.

  3. Stacy Says:

    LadyRavana Says:

    Okay, so there are billions of people around the world. They have their own religions/belief systems. While many aren’t perfect, they have their own ideas of God (or Gods.) Say there’s someone who believes differently, but spend their time doing humanitarian and compassionate acts, doesn’t proselytize their particular faith, isn’t a hypocrite, etc. They never heard of the Gospel, or accepted the Gospel. At the end of his/her life, is this person really going to be condemned to hell because they didn’t drink the Jesus juice.

    I think that as long as you have NEVER heard of the Gospel or the Bible or Jesus, you are ok and can still go to heaven. Everybody else, yeah. They are screwed.

  4. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Not according to MANY fundies, Stacy. I have heard many a fundie lament at all those who could not be reached by mission work because their souls will be going to hell, just because they never heard the “good news.” They must go to the same circle of hell that all the unbaptised babies go. Hell of a fair universe.

  5. Warren Says:

    Good post Parrot. Stuff like this drives me nuts, I mean, I can wholly understand how a few thousand years ago some shepherds could look up at the stars and think they were there for us. I understand that it’s hard to fathom the size of the universe and that it’s much easier to ignore it and just pretend we are the center of it all. But easy or not how can you ignore the facts that exist? How can you just write off everything we know and say, “well that just can’t be true ’cause it ain’t in the bible!” Is it really that scary to admit that you might be wrong?

  6. Rogi Says:

    Well, that’s just at odds with the Vatican astronomer’s speculation that not only do aliens exist, but they might be free from the original sin.
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7399661.stm

    While that is good news for the aliens, it may be bad news for Ken Ham who might have to share heaven with Vulcans, Chewbacca, and a horrible looking (but I’m sure very gentle) alien from Rigel 7.

    On a final note, if Jesus was so perfect how home he’s dead…oh right.

    P.S. Since I acknowledge the possibility of a mightier alien life form existing elsewhere in the universe and coming upon this post, I would like to point out that none of this should be taken as an offense to alien-Jesus and alien fundamentalists.

  7. Sue Blue Says:

    The fundie church I used to attend back in the day (and that my family still belongs to) believes that Jeeeezus can’t come back until they’ve preached the “good news” to the whole world, and reached every living soul. When you think about it, this offers them a convenient “out” for them when people ask why the Second Coming hasn’t happened yet. Since thousands of babies are born each and every day around the globe, it’s physically impossible to get the word out to everyone at any given moment.

  8. Sue Blue Says:

    One of the many pointed questions I like to lob at the fundies is why an omnipotent, omniscient being would reveal his message to, and incarnate himself among, a group of Iron-Age goatherding tribes, not to mention entrusting these provincials with getting his message out to the whole world. Why not reveal himself to a powerful, sophisticated nation like the Chinese? Why an insignificant nomadic tribe in the middle of a sand-blasted wasteland? And why does he need people to go door to door passing out bibles and tracts?

  9. Brian Says:

    Well, once again we are shown how the stupidity of religion leaves no idea unsullied. The very real, and very exciting possibility (if not outright probability) of extraterrestrial life, and all the ramifications such a discovery would have on us here on Earth, begs for lucid and serious discussion. It would go a very long way toward improving our collective understanding of life here, and the conditions in which it can arise. Our species would be forever changed by this knowledge, and I for one hope I live long enough to witness it.

    Now, the magnitude of this subject is not lost on creationist pinheads, just insulted. Leave it to the advocates of biblical literalism to craft notions so disconnected from reality, so bereft of reason, so crazy-ass dip-shit fucking stupid any person with even a cursory knowledge of biology cannot help laughing at them uncontrollably. People like Ken Ham, and the vapid ideas they espouse, are not at all a surprise to regulars here at the Bay, but they do elicit a certain regret, at least on my part, that their parents did not find each other to be too repulsive for mating purposes, thus sparing humanity the burden of one more creationist.

    I’ve wondered for some time now how exactly the religious idiocracy would adapt to a conclusive discovery of extraterrestrial life. If, for example, we one day penetrate the icy surface of Europa and then discover an alien bio- and ecosystem there (which is the best bet I’d put my money on, for the record), will they accept that fact and then try to find a bible verse that “predicted” it, or will they deny it altogether, claiming it to be an obvious scientific conspiracy to inspire and motivate kids to learn more about our universe, which we cannot allow, of course. I suppose the answer to that would depend on an individual’s level of stupidity, the number of church services attended each week, and their propensity for bad grammar and affinity for the “Caps Lock” button on their computer keyboard.

    But wait a minute. Maybe I’m being too hard on creationists. There is, theoretically, a third choice they could make. They could witness the pictures being sent back to Earth from Europa with the rest of us, and feel down to their bones how awe-inspiring, how magnificent, how utterly beautiful the cosmos is, and then realize that their primitive fairy tales belittle what we know, and cheapen it for the lesser members of our species who lack the initiative or the capacity to think for themselves. They might come to see how the narrowness of their dogmatic worldview blinds them to all that reality has to offer, and become thankful to science for broadening their perspectives. They might actually learn something…

    Or not. Yeah, I think I’m giving them far more credit than they deserve. The next thing you know they’ll be insisting NASA send Jack Chick tracts along on every probe to be launched going forward on the off chance they might be able to save some poor, miserable wretch of an alien from our loving god’s eternal damnation in hell by spreading the poorly-argued word about Jesus and his precious goddamned sacrifice. Any superior alien intelligence intercepting such a message might well conclude that ours is a shitty little backwater world, and that they’d be doing the universe a favor by stamping us out before our insanity spreads to other worlds. Well, who could blame them? If they’ve survived their own religious past, they know how evil it can be.

  10. Parrotlover77 Says:

    From the article Rogi linked, “Science and religion need each other, and many astronomers believe in God, he assures readers.”

    I don’t see how religion needs science or vice versa. Certainly practitioners of religion need science to, you know, help them survive (medicine, homes, food, etc.), but science needing religion? Uhm, no. Again, some scientists may find comfort in a religious belief system, but “needing,” well that’s just silly.

  11. Parrotlover77 Says:

    The fundie church I used to attend back in the day (and that my family still belongs to) believes that Jeeeezus can’t come back until they’ve preached the “good news” to the whole world, and reached every living soul. When you think about it, this offers them a convenient “out” for them when people ask why the Second Coming hasn’t happened yet. Since thousands of babies are born each and every day around the globe, it’s physically impossible to get the word out to everyone at any given moment.

    Wow, Sue Blue. That is a new one to me. Usually fundie churches are always preaching that Jebus’ second coming is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER and you better watch out! And so on… I remember one fundie relative of mine holding my nephew shortly after he was born and said, “imagine all the wonders he will see in his life… if Jesus doesn’t come back soon.”

    I almost laughed out loud for real. He was almost angry that Jebus might come back soon.

  12. Rogi Says:

    BTW: that is a hilarious post,Parrotlover, especially the ads. The possibilities of space hoes opens up new horizons for the world of pimping and pimp related things (rap, clothing, tricked out impala, etc).

  13. LadyRavana Says:

    Wow, Sue Blue. That is a new one to me. Usually fundie churches are always preaching that Jebus’ second coming is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER and you better watch out! And so on… I remember one fundie relative of mine holding my nephew shortly after he was born and said, “imagine all the wonders he will see in his life… if Jesus doesn’t come back soon.”

    I almost laughed out loud for real. He was almost angry that Jebus might come back soon.

    LMAO! Oh God, PL. That’s hilarious.

    You know…I kinda hope that the Rapture comes, and the Fundies get to ascend to heaven.

    Because…think of it! As I read on a bumpersticker once: “Come the Rapture, we’ll have the earth to ourselves.”

    But in all seriousness…I was told about the coming Rapture when I was like 8, and my aunt, who had that creepy glint of utter conviction in her eyes saying the earth was going to be destroyed, and Jesus was going to come back and take the faithful back to Heaven.

    Way to fuck up a kid! I remember laying awake nights, and it gave me nightmares. *shudder*

  14. Parrotlover77 Says:

    lol, I wish I could take credit for those pics, but those are ALL Ron. I love them too. He finds/creates the best humorous pics here at BoF.

  15. Hooton Hears a Whor Says:

    I’ve wondered for some time now how exactly the religious idiocracy would adapt to a conclusive discovery of extraterrestrial life. If, for example, we one day penetrate the icy surface of Europa and then discover an alien bio- and ecosystem there (which is the best bet I’d put my money on, for the record), will they accept that fact and then try to find a bible verse that “predicted” it, or will they deny it altogether, claiming it to be an obvious scientific conspiracy to inspire and motivate kids to learn more about our universe, which we cannot allow, of course.

    I believe most will reject it. Fundies have this uncanny ability to deny anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, that goes against their worldview. If there is anything I’ve learned while living with a fundie, is that if there is something they don’t want to accept, then goddamnit, they won’t. It does not matter what the evidence is, or if there is irrefutable proof, if they do not want to accept, they simply won’t. Now for those who will accept extra-terrestrial life, that begs another question. Will they accept these beings as fellow brothers in Christ, or will they see them as just a bunch of soulless creatures who, though intelligent, are no more above a garden snail because they are not human and thus not made in “His image”?

  16. Troy Says:

    In the same way a geocentrist society wouldn’t be able to launch satellites or space probes, these fundies are not able to see the possibilities of the universe we live in. They wear the blinders of the bible that keeps them from getting scared, but also keeps them from a true appreciation of the universe.

  17. Sue Blue Says:

    Yeah, the Seventh-Day Adventist idea that everybody has to hear about Jesus before he can come back isn’t really consistent with their belief that we are living in the “End Times”. Every other day, it seems, brings some news story that they use to illustrate the fulfillment of some biblical prophecy that portends the “Second Coming”. It only makes sense if you know something about this group’s inauspicious founding…

    I think the idea about reaching every soul is an outgrowth of the humiliation this group suffered way back in the 1840’s. This religious huckster named Miller apparently convinced a large group of his followers that the world was going to end on a specific day. The whole ignorant lot of them sold all their worldly possessions and waited. Nothing happened, of course. It was called the Great Disappointment. Now this church avoids specificity, preferring to predict doom with the caveat that it can’t really happen yet because not every soul has heard the news and it wouldn’t be fair of God to judge those people.

    Yeah. Crazy.

  18. Sue Blue Says:

    I should add that the Adventists don’t believe in the Rapture, but they are really big on ol’ John the Revelator’s crazy rant, just the same. Nothing gets people into the evangelical revival tent like wild-ass shit about the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

  19. ericsan Says:

    I believe in John the Revelator. I also believe in Paul the Fixator, George the Conditioner and Ringo the Relaxant.

  20. Sarah Says:

    AMEN, Eric!

  21. LadyRavana Says:

    LMAO Eric!

    Bwahahahaha! That? OWNED.

  22. Sue Blue Says:

    Amen, brother Ericsan! Jim, brother of Jeb, says, “and Paul the Fixator shall heal thy plumbing of all clogs, even those composed of thy sister’s tampons, even unto the end of thy septic tank’s life. And Ringo shall Relax thy bowels even unto the end of time. Thus saith George.”

  23. Paradox Says:

    Hell, I’m a Christian and I don’t understand what the hell that guy is saying. He’s had to work so hard to twist himself around his dogma that his head has ended up firmly implanted in his own ass.