I’ve Been Unexpectedly Raptured

Is a Rapture Muffin like a meadow muffin?

Well this is embarrassing. It appears that I have just been raptured.

If you’re seeing this post, it means that God has taken me! (Or possibly I’ve just been run over by a drunk driver while trying to cross the street. Please check outside for a mangled body on the road. That’s probably me.)

I had this post scheduled to run automatically at 6:01 PM on May 21st. I figured that the rapture would run on time (God is like Mussolini, you know). If I hadn’t been raptured by 6:01, I was planning to intervene and prevent this post from publishing. The fact that you’re seeing it now means that I have been raptured!


This just shows what those fundies know. They claimed that I’d spend eternity in hell for being an atheist. I’m not going to hell! I’m going to heaven!

…Surrounded by fundies for eternity. Oh, shit!

10 Responses to “I’ve Been Unexpectedly Raptured”

  1. ericsan Says:

    Found the “Six Feet Under” rapture death on YouTube 🙂

  2. Infidel753 Says:

    Well, Harold Camping has disappeared too:

    I guess you and he were the only ones who qualified.

  3. Jeff Says:

    Damn. They’re still here.

    (“God is like Mussolini, you know” – Heh! Funny and obscure!)

  4. Lindsay Says:

    Big surprise. I’m sure the good pastor needed some time alone to work up a good excuse as to why it didn’t happen today and to figure out the new doomsday.

  5. YogaforCynics Says:

    Congrats on yer ascension. They got wireless up there?

  6. Thomas Says:

    I believe the rapture actually did happen and nobody made the cut.

  7. Ron Britton Says:


    (“God is like Mussolini, you know” – Heh! Funny and obscure!)

    Actually, I was wrong. God is way worse. Mussolini only massacred 300,000 people. God obliterated 25 million.

    Note that God loses this competition to Mao Zedong, who killed somewhere between 49 and 78 million. Omnipotent God has been beaten by a mere mortal!

    (BTW, Conservapedia makes a special effort to point out that Mussolini was an atheist. They don’t tell us which official atheist doctrine or which part of the atheist canon was used to justify these deaths.)

  8. Ron Britton Says:


    They got wireless up there?

    Somebody on another blog said “They’ve got 5G up here!” (Of course what they didn’t tell you was that it’s from AT&T.)

  9. Jeff Says:

    He’s revised it. Now, he says it was a “spiritual” occurrence, and that the earth will still end on Oct. 21st:


    I’ll say it again – there is no arguing people out of these delusions. Every time I say it, someone comes out of the woodwork to tell me, “That’s not true! I was a Bible-thumping believer, arguing with atheists helped me, I got out and so can others, blah, blah… .” Bullshit. Invariably, it turns out that they were always questioning, were never really comfortable with the doctrine, couldn’t bear the idea of eternal damnation, etc. In a sense, the Calvinists are right – they were never real Christians in the first place.

    The true believers are unsalvageable; they will never get out. They’ll never even try. It’s a neurological defect, and I’m now convinced it’s a form of or is closely related to antisocial personality disorder, which is characterized by a lack of empathy. Their continuing existence constitutes the greatest threat to human survival. Isolate them; don’t let ’em vote, don’t let ’em breed. It’s the only way.

  10. Parrotlover77 Says:

    While I would agree that many are unsalvagable and will always be fundies no matter what, I don’t agree that none of them could start to think for themselves. I’m living proof.

    Of course, then again, I suppose you could say I always had doubts, etc., as you state above. Maybe, maybe not. It’s hard to look back and really get into my exact state of mind. it seems like my faith was unshakable, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I just grew up and it fell from my belief system the same as Santa and the Easter Bunny. I just think there are far too many people to not at least try. I mean what’s the alternative? I guess just complaining on blogs about how everybody is stupid. lol

    And why not help the on-the-fencer make the jump?

    Also, too, a bunch of things went wrong on our production servers at work. Clearly, it was the start of tribulation. You can’t convince me otherwise.