Bill Donohue is the Root of All Evil

Lewis Black's Root of All Evil

Last night, Comedy Central premiered Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil. I was looking forward to the show, so I tuned in with great anticipation. I was actually disappointed in the program. It had some funny moments, thanks primarily to Greg Giraldo, but overall the show wasn’t very good. I might give it another shot at some future date, but I’ve already pulled it out of the season passes on my Tivo.

The premise of the show is to find out who is the root of all evil. Lewis Black is judge. Two comedians act as lawyers and make their cases. On last night’s program, Paul Tompkins argued that Oprah is the most evil. Greg Giraldo argued that the Catholic Church is evilest. (You can watch a few clips on Comedy Central’s website) Tompkins’ case for Oprah was only mildly funny, but Greg Giraldo’s case against the Church was quite funny. He slammed the Church pretty hard. While I was watching it, I was thinking “I bet Bill Donohue is having a conniption right about now!” Sure enough, he did!

The (Only?) Catholic Fundie is Apoplectic!

This morning, I cruised by the Catholic League website to see just how bonkers it made old Donohue. Holy weird-shaped oil stain on my driveway that looks nothing like the Virgin Mary! There were two diatribes to read!

The first is a blog post from yesterday, before the program even aired:

The first episode, “Oprah vs. the Catholic Church” will ask whether the talk show host or the Bride of Christ is more “evil.”

I’ve never heard that term before. But if your nickname reminds people of the Bride of Frankenstein, then of course you’re evil!

According to preview videos and printed reviews, Black charges that the Church hinders “social progress”…

Oh, I’m sorry, Bill. I thought you were going to point out some fallacies.

…and that the pope gives lectures bashing other religions.

Like I said.

The program features abundant jokes about molester priests. One would hope that a network devoted entirely to comedy would be able to come up with a few new gags rather than rely on the old bigoted chestnut about the priest and the altar boy.

You know, Bill, if the molestations had been an isolated incident, you’d have a point. If it had been one aberrant priest, you’d have a point. If it had only happened over a short time period, you’d have a point. If there had only been a few victims, you’d have a point. But none of those things is the case! The Catholic Church knew about these incidents and allowed them to continue. The Catholic Church actively covered up these incidents and moved the priests to other parishes, where they could find fresh meat. What the Church did was abhorrent. It’s going to take many decades for these wounds to heal, and until that time, your Church must be reminded constantly that civilized societies do not tolerate this behavior. For an institution that holds itself up as a bastion of morality, it did one of the evilest things imaginable. So no, Bill, we are not going to forget it and move on.

Not as Ugly as the Church’s Behavior

Now let’s move on to the press release that Bill Donohue issued today, entitled “Lewis Black’s Show Gets Ugly”. What’s truly amazing is that their press release links to a partial transcript of the show. This is supposed to show you how terrible it was and how harshly and unfairly they maligned the Church.

It actually accomplishes the opposite. The transcript is hilarious, and it makes a compelling case that the Church is evil. Bill Donohue has actually defeated his own case by posting the transcript. I’m also going to repost the transcript at the end of this article in case old Bill realizes what he’s done and pulls it down.

Let’s now look at the meat of today’s press release:

Catholic League president Bill Donohue raised questions about [the show] today:

No group in the U.S. sexually molests minors more than public school teachers; their rate is estimated to be 100 times that of Catholic priests (see the work of Dr. Charol Shakeshaft.) Moreover, the teachers unions still make it near impossible to fire a molesting teacher. Yet it wasn’t the public school industry that was labeled evil by the show, it was the Catholic Church.

What? That’s the best you can do, Bill? “It’s OK! We can molest! As long as we’re not the #1 molester, it’s OK!”

Radical Muslims behead their enemies, real and contrived, terrorize non-combatants, run planes into buildings, shoot nuns in the back, kidnap and kill bishops, burn churches to the ground, legally murder those who want to convert, but no one associated with Lewis Black’s show has the guts to get them.

This quote and the one above are typical examples of what Bill likes to do. He cites somebody who is worse, then expects to get a free pass for his own behavior.

I get that criticism for this blog. Because radical Muslims are more dangerous than radical Christians, I should leave the poor Christian fundies alone. Fundie season is closed until the radical Muslims are wiped out. Sorry. Doesn’t work that way. You have oppose all threats, not just the biggest. I go after the Christians, because other folks are tackling the Muslims.

In the case of the Lewis Black show, they take on different subjects each week. I think next week it’s Donald Trump and Viagra. I’m sure they’d do a program about radical Islam as well, if they weren’t afraid of getting blown up in retaliation. I guess that’s Donohue’s problem. The Catholic Church was targeted because they’re merely evil, not super-evil. You’re going about this all wrong, Bill! You’ll never get people to stop making fun of the Catholic Church by issuing press releases! You have to blow them up!

So instead they rip the Catholic Church for its role during the Inquisition. And that role, if truth be told, was miniscule compared to the role of the civil authorities.

No, Bill. Stop rewriting history. The Catholic Church was the civil authority.

Indeed, the role of the Catholic Church back then, as compared to the role of radical Muslims today, was positively angelic.

Yes, if by “angelic” you mean like a fallen angel.

The worst part of the show was the assault on Our Blessed Mother and Pope Benedict XVI.

He then quotes some very funny lines from the show. Since those lines are included in the transcript below, along with some other very funny stuff, I’ll just direct your attention there.

Bill finishes his diatribe with a request that we all write to Comedy Central and express our outrage. I want to know where we can write in order to express our outrage over Bill Donohue.


Here is the partial transcript of the program that Bill Donohue actually posted on his website. Most of the jokes are fair criticisms. If Donohue doesn’t like it, he’d better clean up the Church. If there’s nothing to criticize, the jokes will stop on their own.

Comedian Greg Giraldo, making the case against the Catholic Church:

Did I mention the boy fucking? A couple of years ago the Catholic Church held a two-week conference to discuss what should be done about the sexual molestation claims. Two weeks. What are they talking about? ‘Let’s stop diddling kids fellas, what do you say?’ That’s what, half hour tops? Somebody proposed a one strike and you’re out rule. One strike and you’re out. And it was voted down! They debated it, and it lost. Someone actually got up and said, ‘Look we’re not going to kick a guy out for knob gobbling just one kid. I mean that’s not fair to the guys with a lot of hot kids in their parish. Maybe we will just move them to a place with uglier kids.’ It’s awful. Dioceses in Tucson, Portland, and San Diego, just to name a few, have gone bankrupt defending these molestation claims. The Catholic Church is sack tickling its way into bankruptcy.

The Catholic Church is also evil, because it has such a grip over the mindless masses that they’ll wait in line, thousands of them in the rain for hours, just to get a glimpse of a pork rind in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Then there is the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary. God impregnated Mary. We have a whole religion based on one woman who really stuck to her story.

And let’s not forget the Inquisition. In the 1400s, Jews and Muslims in Spain were forced to convert to Catholicism. And to test the sincerity of these conversions, thousands were tortured. Let’s say you were acting a little Jewy. You know, maybe you complained about your entree. Or, you know, ‘Paco, it is a little moist. Could you towel it off for me?’ Next thing you know, they put you in one of these [shows picture of torture instrument]. Yes that is called the head crusher. I think it was used to crush your head. These are actually implements of torture that were used by the Catholic Church. How about this one [shows another device]? It is called the breast ripper. Yeah, I think it was used to rip you breast. Sometimes they would try and soften the blow. They would say, ‘Hey, good news is you get to sit down. Bad news is you have to sit on this.’ [Shows a chair with a pyramid-shaped spike on it.] Yeah that was called the Judas Cradle. I guess ‘ass shredder’ was already taken.

Additional quotes:

Lewis Black: Greg you have been babbling on about the Catholic Church and you haven’t mentioned the pope. Do you even know who he is?

Giraldo: Ah, yes I know who he is, and the pope to me is a hypocrite in his Prada loafers and his ball gown. How can he condemn homosexuality when he dresses like he is on his way to nickel cosmo night at the Veiny Shaft Tavern?

And this:

Black: I read in Parade magazine that the Catholic Church is letting people use condoms now.

Giraldo: What did happen was because of the crisis in Africa, the Catholic Church considered allowing people to use condoms. If they were married and if one of the partners had AIDS. HAHAHA. A loophole. ‘Well we can’t have any more kids, we live on two bucks a month, and we are running out of mud pies to feed them. One of us is going to have to get AIDS.’

11 Responses to “Bill Donohue is the Root of All Evil”

  1. blue collar scientist Says:

    I watched it as well, and I agree, it wasn’t as good as I had hoped. At the moment I prefer to think they are starting slow and the show will improve over the next couple of episodes. I still have it in my TIVO, but we’ll see if it survives…

    That wacky Bill Donohue…… I first heard of him when someone was telling me something stupid he’d said over coffee one day some years back. I misheard my friend and thought he had said Phil Donohue. I spent the better part of a year under the impression that a daytime talk show host had a nighttime job as a wacky religious extremist.

  2. Paco Reese Says:

    This is a comment I left at the Catholic League site:

    “Re: Lewis Black’s new show

    Dudes, chill! It was just a simple comedy show that spoke a few hard truths about The Bride of Frankenstein (AHEM!) Christ… I will admit the show was kind of lacking in format, but Greg Giraldo was phenomenal! C’mon, guys! I mean, you *should NOT* be offended if your beliefs are indeed sound, reasonable and true! Right? I don’t see scientists crying ‘HOLY RAPE!’ over Pluto’s demise as a planet. Lighten up!

    Also, have you seen the Pope lately? The guy is Senator Palpatine’s brother from another mother! He looks freaking evil, I mean, Jesus Chrispies, The guy is an ex-nazi sympathizer and certainly looks the part! Don’t be idiots as the majority of the fundies in America!”

    Enjoy the mental image of an old guy in a black dress with his head exploding over these lines! w00t!

  3. Ron Britton Says:


    Your comment reminded me of this image, which I posted here once before:


  4. Paco Reese Says:

    Damn. They got his essence to the T… I’d never thought I;d say this, but God, do I miss John Paul II…

  5. Helena Constantine Says:

    Just to let you know, I’m a pagan so my comments are disinterested.

    1. This Donahugh person does not represent the opinions of the Catholic Church or of most Catholics, so your conflation of him with Catholicism is a strawman.

    2. Civil government was always seperate from the Church in the Middle Ages (except in the papal states and Episcobals states in the Empire–about 5% of the land in Western Europe). The Inquisition or the Church never had the power of Capital puishment. They handed over over heretics to the secular government which had its own laws against heresy and the state, not the church, executed them.

    3. The main cuase of the the priest pedophilia scandal (and the attempts to cover it up were inexcusable) was that American seminaries were full in the 1950s and 1960s, and even today, with clsoeted homosexualies who are ashamed of their own sies and go into the church in an attempt to atone for or cure their sinful nature. naturally this often fials, and theiy take advantage of the teenage boys they find themselves surrounded by. Recently Benedict recognized this and started a campaign to expell closeted homsoexuals form seminaries, and was roundly criticiszed by AMerican liberals for it.

  6. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Helena –

    1. I fail to see a strawman in Ron’s arguments. Where is an easily defeated (possibly made up) position argued against, assigning said position to a (possibly unrelated) group of people? I only see Ron taking on Donohue specifically. I don’t see him taking on the church as a whole. If you want an example of a strawman argument, look no further than President Bush. “Democrats want defeat in Iraq” is the usual strawman flavor of the day. “Donohue is a fundie tool” is not on the same page, or even in the same book!

    2. A citation for your 5% argument would be nice. A cursory check of Wikipedia seems to confirm Ron’s assertions of heavy government influence from the Church starting from the early middle ages through the various inquisitions. Some were state sponsored, some were church sponsored, and some were both. All (inquisition related matter) were done with religious intent. Torture outside the inquisition certainly took place, but that’s out of the scope of the argument.

    3. Oooh the evil ‘merican libruls strike again! First, now who is strawmanning here?! All homosexuals who enter the priesthood molest boys? No. That’s complete BS! Second, Benedict addressing this issue now (in whatever form) does not change the fact that it went on for DECADES and was covered up.

  7. Ron Britton Says:


    Then, of course, there is this image:

    Pope Benedict

  8. anja Says:

    nazi? wtf? are you mad? he never was a nazi

  9. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Who said he was a nazi? I only see nazi-sympathizer. That’s still a little bit of a stretch, but at the same time, he was in Hitler’s Youth and was also a member of the German military at the time. According to wikipedia, he saw no actual time in battle due to illness and was “unenthusiastic” in the youth program.

    Still, it seems that sort of thing is pretty easy to whitewash at this point in time, so the conspiracy theorist might argue that he lied about his youth.

    The truth is we will never know, unless you are Catholic. Since Catholics believe in papal infaliability, they “know” he is telling the truth.

    One fact that cannot be disputed, however, is the fact that he is a Sith Lord. There is photo evidence of that (above).

  10. Jeff Says:

    I’m sure he was coerced, but even if he wasn’t – he was a kid. I’m not troubled by it.

    I’m more troubled by the fact that he is now a spiritual Nazi.

    The sad thing is that he began as a liberal, and Hans Kung, who is the same age (and I believe they knew each other in seminary or university), began as a conservative (at least, relative to where he is now). Subsequently, they each moved to the opposite side.

  11. DMAN Says:

    That is the funnest thing ive seen in 5 years!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!! HAHAAH!!!! Great resemblance!!! I laughed so hard, i had to make a comment…