Why Can’t I Ever Dream Up Scams Like This?
I received an email from a fundie crying that some commie-liberal puppy-raping Jesus-hating atheist doesn’t like the national motto (“In God we trust”). He wants me to sign a petition to Congress to get them to vote yes on some unconstitutional legislation to waste tax dollars promoting his religion.
I get emails like this all the time. Some fundie pressure group wants their agenda passed, so they set up a website to make it easy to sign your name. They promise to then fax (Speaking of which, does anybody still use fax machines anymore? Which century do these fundies live in, anyway?) your message to Congress.
Usually at the bottom of that page somewhere there is a request for a donation to allow the fundie running the site to continue to
sit on his fat ass all day sipping Long Island ice teas out by the pool or banging the Guatemalan cleaning lady in the laundry room while his wife is out shuttling the kids to soccer practice in the Chevy Suburban, even though you work two jobs (as a greeter at Wal-Mart and as a Guatemalan cleaning lady) and can barely make ends meet and absolutely can’t afford to make a donation but you do so anyway because you know if you don’t that Barrack Hussein Obama will take your guns “do this important work”.
I went to the site to look at their message. This is what I saw:
Holy crap! What a great racket! You have to pay them a minimum of $18, or they won’t even take your signature! For that amount, they’ll fax your message to “all 47 Republican Senators”. That’s actually quite cheap. I didn’t know you could buy Republican senators for only 38 cents each. Haliburton overpaid!
Or… or!… you can “Fax all 53 Democrat/Independent Senators for just $19”. (But these are low-grade politicians (“Democrats”), which explains why they’re only 36 cents each. Hey, you get what you pay for!)
But wait! There’s more! You can buy the entire Senate for one low payment of just $29! They make sure to point out to you that this is their “BEST VALUE”! (and it’s not some crappy lower-case “best value”. No! This is the primo,
French Freedom Roast, upper-case “BEST VALUE”!)
But if you order today, you can instead get all House Democrats for just $55! (This is a limited-time offer. Supplies are limited. Very limited. And perishable. A whole bunch of them expired last November.)
Or choose all House Republicans for only $59! (And your health coverage, but you never really had that to begin with, so there’s no real cost to you. And Medicare; it will also cost you your Medicare. And Social Security. And civil rights. But you had no use for those things anyway.)
If you order in the next ten minutes (and pay double) we’ll double your order. You’ll get the entire House of Representatives for just $99!
But in this special internet offer, we’re going to give you the entire legislative and executive branches of government! That’s all 47 Republican senators! All 53 Democratic & independent senators! All 193 Democratic & independent congressman! Every one of the 242 Republican congressmen! Plus, we’ll throw in one imported president for free!
Some people pay $18. Some people pay $19. Others pay $29. But you won’t pay $55, You won’t pay $59. No, you won’t even pay $99. You can send 536 messages using 19th-century technology for the one low price of $119! Order today, and you’ll pay us an extra $40 just because! That’s right! You can pay our already-inflated price of $119, or you can pay the even-higher price of $159 for no added benefit!