This Story Has Been Completely Buried by the Liberal Media!

'Port' means 'left', but there's nothing left of Davenport

Thanks to Jeff, who tipped me off to this story that those bastards at MSNBC and the New York Times refuse to cover:

FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

“They tried to warn us and we didn’t listen—Lord, why did we not listen?” said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. “All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!”

On a related note, I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t been able to get my head above water (Ouch! Sorry!) long enough to find out how many fundies are blaming Japan’s earthquake and tsunami on their being a mostly-Shinto country, or having a gay person, or eating shellfish, or giving us Pokemon, or something. You can mention that in the comments, if you know of any.

18 Responses to “This Story Has Been Completely Buried by the Liberal Media!”

  1. griffon8 Says:

    Here’s one from the leader of what is apparently the largest Christian Megachurch in the world:

    http://english.hani.co.kr/arti/english_edition/e_national/467934.html

    And some reaction to it:

    http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20110314001022

  2. RunawayLawyer Says:

    Haha – love the Onion.

    And on Japan – why does god never smite judgmental assholes?

  3. sue blue Says:

    Hmmm…all those assholes blaming Japan’s woes on atheists, Shintoists, heathens, 2012 or whatever – I’m gonna remember that the next time God spins a tornado through their trailer park. What – no atheists or heathens in ol’ Horndog Holler? Maybe God just hates trailer parks, then.

  4. Cyc Says:

    How about those idiots who are saying the devastation in Japan is just retribution for Pearl Harbor…

    The Onion, how I love thee.

  5. L.Long Says:

    And almost every fundie we all talk about REALLY wishes this would happen!!!

  6. Jeff Says:

    And almost every fundie we all talk about REALLY wishes this would happen!!!

    Yes. Yes, they do.

  7. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Surprisingly, Pat Robertson (aka Uncle Giggles) was not first out of the gate this time. I remember how quickly he blamed the buttsecks for Katrina. God hates penises penetrating anal sphincters so much that he destroys entire regions! But he loves you!

    Glenn Beck was pretty quick on the draw with blaming Japan’s heathenism, though. However, he cowardly bookended his assertion with the tried and true, “I’m not saying, I’m just saying.”

    I heard about that Korean church just yesterday. What was really weird about it to me was learning it’s the largest Protestant Christian denomination. A Korean church?? I didn’t even know Christianity was that popular over there. I guess that shows what little I know about Korea!

  8. Artor Says:

    Well, Rush now claims it’s retribution for the Japanese being environmentalists & building the Prius. That’ll show them green bastards!

  9. Jeff Says:

    A Korean church?? I didn’t even know Christianity was that popular over there.

    Korea was heavily evangelized decades ago. The upper and educated classes are all Christian.

  10. Jeff Says:

    Meanwhile, Gyeonggi Province Governor Kim Moon-soo provoked displeasure from Internet users by writing on his Twitter page Sunday that “More than 2,500 people are dead or missing and over 10 thousand out of contact due to the major earthquake in Japan. A nuclear power plant is exploding. I thank God and our ancestors for keeping the Korean Peninsula so safe.”

    The Confucian influence is still strong, but they’re unaware of it.

    Likewise, they seem never to notice that Western Europe, the most secular region in history, is remarkably free of domestic problems and natural disasters.

    Stupid, brainwashed bastards.

  11. Parrotlover77 Says:

    The Confucian influence is still strong, but they’re unaware of it.

    I completely missed the “ancestors” reference the first time.

    Next on Fox: When religions collide!

  12. edilsb Says:

    I see nothing has changed. I also see that it’s the same-ol’ 12 people talking to themselves. Guess what? Still not keeping anything at bay.

  13. Ron Britton Says:

    Oh, Edilsb! You missed us! I’m flattered. But, no, you may not sit at the grown-up table this year either. In four short sentences, you have made it clear that you have not yet matured into a civil being. You must continue your quest for intellectual maturity elsewhere. Alas, I fear it will be an endless quest.

    The surest sign of intelligence is the ability to learn from experience. After the thorough intellectual trouncing you suffered here last time, I thought you had learned your lesson. I thought you’d stay away to avoid any further public humiliation. We now see that it is indeed impossible to underestimate your mental capacity.

    I did want to thank you, however, for the puppet show. Immediately after your banishment, you posted another comment under a different name! How precious is that? I bet all of the adults in your household are just swelling with pride at your accomplishment! Maybe some day you’ll even be able to tie your own shoelaces. But here’s a helpful hint the next time you try sock puppetry: Don’t post from the same computer. Your IP address might give you away.

    I especially want to thank you for today’s comment, though. Until today, I had only suspected that you had used a second sock puppet. Today you confirmed it! You see, if you’re going to come back to a site that you were banned from two years ago, don’t give me the same email address that you used with your sock puppet.

  14. Thomas Says:

    “Head above water.” Really? I usually love this site, and I have a great sense of humor, but…I live in Japan, and my heart breaks at the suffering I see on the news every day. I tried to laugh, but I just couldn’t. It was as unfunny as the crap Gilbert Gottfried tweeted. Maybe I’m getting too old, but that ‘joke’ seemed aimed at 12-year-olds.

  15. Ron Britton Says:

    Thomas:

    Yes, it was a reference to Japan, but it was meant in a different tone. I guess the only difference is a matter of degree.

  16. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Suffering + Time = Comedy

    Apparently Ron was a wee bit off with the “time” variable. ;-)

    I didn’t think it was that bad, though. But I don’t have a stick up my butt either.

  17. Ron Britton Says:

    Apparently Ron was a wee bit off with the “time” variable.

    I’m just impatient.

    Comments like Thomas’ are useful. They keep me from wandering off track. If I weren’t working 60 hours/week right now, I probably would have been thinking more clearly.

  18. Thomas Says:

    @Parrotlover77: Perhaps you don’t have a “stick up your butt,” but you do have a “plank in your eye.” Either way, you’re an asshole.