Sometimes the Comedy Writes Itself

Wow! I'm almost humongous!

I was skimming the archive over at Dr. Joan Bushwell’s Chimpanzee Refuge. I found a hilarious post from 2007 about the American Decency Association. That article directs us to “How to Deal with Sexual Desires as a Single”.

I’ll just reprint it here without comment. This is the ADA’s advice to the single person. This is how you can stay on the straight and narrow and avoid falling into moral depravity.

How to deal with sexual desires as a single

1. Do not seek sexual gratification through masturbation.

2. Do not seek sexual satisfaction through touching or being touched by another person even if you stop short of sexual intercourse.

3. Avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation.

4. When the stimulation comes and the desire starts to rise, consciously focus on the cross of Christ instead.

5. Pray that God would give you, in-ever increasing strength, a longing to know and love and obey him above all else.

6. Bathe your mind in God’s Word.

7. Keep yourself busy, and when it is time for leisure, choose things that are pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, worthy of praise. (Phil.4.8)

8. Don’t spend too much time alone.

9. Strive to think of all people, especially people of the opposite sex, in relation to eternity.

10. Resolve to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and he will add to you everything you need sexually.

15 Responses to “Sometimes the Comedy Writes Itself”

  1. Parrotlover77 Says:

    This is fantastic. The first three are absolutely what you would expect to read for someone trying to repress natural sexual desire. Then, suddenly at #4, the tone completely shifts and they basically admit that 1-3 absolutely will not work, so here’s what you do when you start getting horny!

    Based on my knowledge of wetsuits and dildos, I’d say that list probably isn’t very effective.

  2. JoeNavy Says:

    10. Resolve to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and he will add to you everything you need sexually.

    This must be why priests get all the Boys!
    /jealous

  3. Lindsay Says:

    Just a thought, but if you were trying to stay pure wouldn’t they recommend spending more time alone? Or does that just mean you have more opportunity to masturbate?

    I really don’t understand what fundies have against masturbation. Isn’t it the perfect way to curb desires?

  4. Parrotlover77 Says:

    I sometimes get the feeling that fundies are actually more tolerant of premarital spanky wanky diddly danky than masturbation.

    I think on paper, masturbation is probably the better choice as far as how long you will spend in purgatory (or whatever), but the reactions you get from fundies when you bring up the topic of self pleasuring is absolutely epic. Then horny teens like Bristol Palin get knocked up and basically just get a free pass.

    Fundies are nothing if not inconsistent.

  5. a guy Says:

    Bathe your mind? In other words: wash your brain?

  6. L.Long Says:

    I know prayer (5) does not work because I’ve prayed to have hot sex with the lady (3) down the street (as it would be heaven-10)and she has never accepted my invitation and then I end up alone (8) with mother hand & her 5 daughters (1).
    So I break at least 6 or more of the rules.
    Well I also break 8 or the 10 other rules too.

  7. Thomas Says:

    This is a lot better than my overly Xian gym teacher from junior high school who said that ‘vigorous physical exercise is they key to morality.’

  8. sue blue Says:

    Man, it’s like something out of the 19th century medical books I collect. You can almost hear the codicil after the first one: ” – because such self-abuse leads inevitably to a pale, wan, wasted sort of introspection and dissipation; with hair becoming sparse upon the chest and abundant upon the palms”. The rest of it sounds like something out of the Onion. When that stimulation starts to “rise” (heh-heh), focus on the cross of Christ (and imagine it’s a giant cock or that you’re the one hanging on it, waiting for the ministrations of your dominatrix). Bathe your mind in God’s word (and your body in steamy porn-produced sweat over the Song of Solomon). I could go on in this vein…

  9. Stardrake Says:

    10. Resolve to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and he will add to you everything you need sexually.

    I don’t think so, Yahweh! I heard about what happened to that poor kid Mary….

  10. Cyc Says:

    While you may have been able to post this and let the idiocy stand on its own, I could not resist the temptation to give it a good mocking.

  11. Ron Britton Says:

    Cyc:

    Good! The more ridicule we heap on their ludicrous ideas, the more marginalized they become.

  12. Draken Says:

    Browsing the ADA site a bit, I’ve noticed how they’re really very concerned with ‘objectification of women’ (see the Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated Campaigns).

    Now isn’t that sweet? Apart from the fact that they had to bend into the mud by borrowing a term from leftwing feminism, women aren’t objectified in the Bible at all now, are they?

  13. Lindsay Says:

    LOLz. I think we are pretty much all in agreement that the moral authority (BJ that is) at ADA really enjoys their job of finding teh pr0n so you don’t have to more than they let on.

  14. 4ndyman Says:

    Does #3 imply that there is such a thing as “necessary sexual stimulation” for singles? Do you have to go to church to get that?

  15. Renshia Says:

    there is such a thing as “necessary sexual stimulation” for singles? Do you have to go to church to get that?

    Only if you’re under 13.