Love Letter from Mike

Huckabee's masthead shows his values

Mike Huckabee is my own personal friend. I know this, because he sends me an email every day. Funny thing, though. At the end of every email, he asks me for money. He acts more like a relative.

I had signed up for his mailing list, because I wanted to keep an eye on him. The email he sent me yesterday is typical:

The first question I am often asked these days is: “Why are you still running for President?”

Why don’t you answer this one instead, Mike: “Why did you even start?”

It is because I believe that I am the best candidate to represent you in the fall against the Democrats.

He’s obviously wrong on that count. I wonder if there’s a subliminal message in that sentence, though. He wrote “the fall against the Democrats”. Is he subconsciously trying to equate electing a Democrat with Adam & Eve’s fall? With any other candidate, I’d never even think of this. Huckabee, though, gave us this allegedly non-subliminal ad:

Subliminal persuasion, Huckabee style

His letter continues:

I have core conservative beliefs that I have never wavered from:

No, that’s OK! Feel free to waver!

I believe in the Human Life Amendment and I will fight for it from Day 1 of my Presidency.

“Day 1” is quite telling. It’s the day of the pregnancy when he thinks that a living, breathing, thinking, full-fledged citizen of the United States is created. The flaw in that argument is that none of those things is true. By pretending it is, then he is taking away the rights of real living, breathing, thinking, and full-fledged citizens.

I believe in the Marriage Amendment.

The purpose of the Constitution is to define the limits of governmental power and to define the rights of the citizens. Amendments are made to the Constitution as the need arises to grant more rights to the citizens, not to take them away.

This is also a power grab by the federal government. Marriage has always been a state matter. You’d think a state governor would be sensitive to that.

I believe in massive tax reform and am an advocate of the FairTax.

I’m not an expert on the FairTax, but a lot of economists think it’s unworkable and unfair.

I believe that President Bush’s tax cuts should be made permanent.

Bush’s tax cuts benefited the wealthy far more than the working class. Is this the type of president you want? Do you want to vote for somebody who is always looking out for the welfare of the rich?

Then there’s the problem of the trillion-dollar Iraq war. How are we going to pay for what we’ve done so far, never mind the decades of occupation to come?

I believe in the Surge, our troops and General Petraeus.

He’s confounding issues here to make it hard to oppose this statement. The Surge isn’t sustainable, and it has had only mixed results. What Huckabee is really saying here is that he’s as much of a hawk as McCain. All the Republican party can offer us in this election is untold more years of an unjust and costly war.

I believe the 2nd amendment is one of the best ways to protect us from tyranny…

’Cuz we all know it worked so well protecting us from George W Bush, the Patriot Act, warrantless wiretaps, etc.

…and I will work tirelessly to protect it from activist judges.

This is just a conservative buzzword. Republicans salivate every time they hear it. They’re such good lapdogs.

I believe the best judge is a conservative judge that won’t legislate from the bench.

I believe in conservative judges too, like those on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Judges who will conserve our rights, as granted by the Constitution.

And “legislate from the bench” is another meaningless buzzword. Don’t slip. There’s a lot of dog slobber on the floor.

These are some of the reasons why I am running for President and let me also say that YOU are another reason. I am running to give you a voice in the process. To lift up your voice with mine and to tell our Party and our government that we need to do better. We need to think big and fight for our ideas.

If Huckabee truly cared about any of us, he never would have entered the race.

Bad Reporter

(Image excerpted from last Friday’s Bad Reporter.)

8 Responses to “Love Letter from Mike”

  1. Parrotlover77 Says:

    His letter is telling in that the so-called “Fair Tax” and the Bush Tax Cuts are incompatible. The Fair Tax replaces the income tax (and, I would imagine, capital gains tax, and anything else remotely “incomey”) with a federal 35 to 40% sales tax (don’t believe the 23% hype — they are converting the actual tax on sales to an approximation of income spent… it’s “fuzzy math” to say the least).

    Anyway, Huck’s support of both is like saying, “I promise to continue to keep our military fighting in Iraq. I also promise to completely redeploy the military to the moon.”

    What a tool.

    BTW, The “bad reporter” pic is absolutely priceless!!

  2. Sue Blue Says:

    Getting an e-mail from Huckabee would, for me, be like opening my door to find a flaming sack of dogshit on my porch. I regard anything that comes out of that gasbag with the same respect that I accord the canine fecal matter I would scrape from the bottom of my shoe.

    You are a brave soul indeed for reading and analyzing that fundie crap for the rest of us atheists. And you do a such a good job! Thanks! Keep up the good work. I really enjoy this site.

  3. Jason Says:

    “I believe…”
    “I believe…”
    “I believe…”
    and so on…

    Personally I tend to be more interested in things people can prove, rather than what they believe.

    Oh and; ‘I believe in… General Petraeus’? Is there some doubt as to his existence?

  4. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Well, there is the possibility that Gen. Petraues may actually be a robot controlled by Cheney. So I dunno…

  5. Blake Stacey Says:

    There’s “believe” as in when a child says, “I believe in Santa,” and there’s “believe” as in the song lyric, “Do you believe in rock and roll?” When people confuse the two, I always wonder whether it’s due to malice or incompetence.

    I believe in America. I believe it exists. . .

  6. Alexander Ward Says:

    As an economist, I’d just like to point out that the FairTax system is actually not only MORE workable than our current tax system due to its ease of use but it should get the same revenue (spending=income). It doesn’t put the same pressures on the lower class, it encourages saving and effectively acts like an unlimited IRA, which have been touted as wonderful idea by economists for quite a while (See: Steven E. Landsburg).

    As for tax cuts, those who say that they favor the rich tend not to have much economic training. In economics, everything is in the margin. Every single tax cut Bush has mad has affected each quintile equally. It only appears that the rich got the biggest break because they were already paying the highest marginal amount.

    Huckabee is an idiot and there is good reason to be afraid of him, but he’s got his economics down pat.

  7. Ron Britton Says:


    I don’t have an opinion on the Fair Tax, because I haven’t studied it. It’s easy to find a lot of economists who don’t like it, so that’s reason to be cautious. Huckabee throws it around like it’s a foregone conclusion that it’s a superior system.

    I do not doubt your qualifications as an economist, but your statements can’t be considered as much more than opinion. Economics is not a science in the same way that physics and biology are. Systems cannot be isolated and tested. All you have are giant economies to tinker with. There are so many variables, and their effects so chaotic, that it is difficult to make firm conclusions, especially in the areas of prediction. It’s far easier to go back and determine the causes of the Great Depression (although there are a differing opinions there, too) than it is to predict what will happen if a given economic policy is implemented.

    Many economists disagree with your assessment of Bush’s $1,000,000,000,000 tax cuts. It’s difficult to know for certain, as I just pointed out. But hindsight is clearer than foresight, and it appears that the primary beneficiaries of the tax cuts were Bush’s rich buddies. For example, CBS news reported in 2004 on a report by the Congressional Budget Office:

    President Bush’s tax cuts since 2001 have shifted more of the tax burden from the nation’s rich to middle-class families, according to a study released Friday by the Congressional Budget Office.

  8. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Whenever I hear things like “it’s in the margins” when describing abhorent policies such as Bush’s tax cuts (you know, because uneducated li’l me can’t possibly comprehend the awesomeness that is George W. Bush’s massive intellect), I begin to think I’m in a 3-card monte game where if I pick the wrong card, I lose my retirement.

    And my health care.

    And my job.

    Remember when privatizing Social Security sounded like an amazing plan and “all the cool kids were doing it?” Yea, me either. Thankfully, we won that one. Can you imagine if Social Security was wrapped up in the mortgage crisis right now?

    At least Alexander conceded that Huckabee is an idiot. Let’s all hold hands now.