Fundie Comprehension

Heal! Sorry. Forgot to retract the claws.

I received a phone call a couple of days ago. When I answered, there was a long silence. This is the mark of an automated dialer. I’m on the FTC’s Do Not Call list, so I knew this was either some scumbag company that ignores the list, or Jay Sekulow. Sekulow runs Pat Robertson’s anti-ACLU. They call me every so often. I wrote about the first time they called me in this article.

I usually tell them that they’re a bunch of anti-freedom fanatics and hang up. Oddly, that doesn’t stop them from calling me again a few months later. One measure of intelligence is the ability to learn. I don’t think these people are capable of learning.

So last weekend, they called me again. After the long silence, a fundie woman came on the line.

Fundie: Is this Ron Britton?

Me: What do you want?

Fundie: This is [some forgettable fundie name] calling on behalf of Jay Suckulow [It really did sound like she said “suck-ulow”!] of the American Center for Law and Justice. I’m calling regarding an urgent issue.

Me: Oh, I’m sure it is!

Then she proceeded to tell me that there was some sort of bill in Congress (or more likely proposed by one Congressman in some sub-committee that it will never get out of) that was “threatening the right to life.”

OK, I thought. I know how to end this conversation.

Me: That’s alarming. I absolutely want to preserve the right to choose.

Fundie: So we’d like you to help us get the word out.

Odd, I thought. Did she not hear what I just said?

Fundie: We’d like to send you some letters that you can mail to 15 of your friends and relatives to warn them about this bill. Can we count on you to do that?

Maybe she needs me to be more explicit.

Me: If you’re as pro-abortion as I am, I will absolutely remail your letters.

Fundie: Yes we are.

She then confirmed my address by reading it to me out of her database. It can’t be a very good database if it has me in it. I confirmed that that was my address.

Fundie: Look for the package to arrive in early December. Thank you for your help.

She hung up.

Wow. Jay Sekulow and the ACLJ are pro-abortion! Woohoo! And I have the scoop! Breaking news! Stop the blogs! The radical right now supports abortion rights! You heard it here first!

I expected that to be the end of it, until the letters arrive in a week or two. Unless there’s something blogworthy in it, it’s going straight into the recycle bin. I see they’re not so “pro-life” that they won’t abort trees!

But that wasn’t the end of it! The very next day, they called me back. This time, it was a different fundie on the line. She was calling to confirm that I had agreed to remail their propaganda. I suspect they do this with everyone. It’s probably a psychological reinforcement trick, to give them a higher compliance rate. She said:

Fundie: This is [some other forgettable fundie name] calling from the American Center for Law and Justice. I’d just like to confirm that you agreed to mail our letter about the threat to babies to 15 of your friends and relatives.

Me: What kind of a Christian would I be if I didn’t remail the letters?

Fundie: OK! Thank you very much!

12 Responses to “Fundie Comprehension”

  1. Ed Says:

    Nicely done! I wish I could think that fast on my feet.

  2. Jeff Says:

    I loathe Sekulow. It makes me crazy when Jews become evangelicals – or work for/with them, for that matter. Medved, Klinghoffer, Ben Stein – They make me sick. Yes, that’s right – ignore the fact that they believe you and all of your loved ones will burn in hell. As long as you get the paycheck and the validation, that’s all that matters. Fucking ass-kissers.

    On the topic of fundies/wingnuts lacking the ability to learn, I saw this last night:

  3. Parrotlover77 Says:

    It is an interesting dynamic, the fundie Jew and fundie xtian. They both believe, in their heart of hearts, that the other is absolutely wrong on how to win favor with god, but they work together because they have mutual interests and enemies. I don’t think it’s just ass-kissing and a paycheck (although that’s part of it). I think it is really just their mutual interest in Israel. The Jews want to exclusively own their ancient holy land and to kill Muslims, and the Fundies want the Second Coming (where they see Israel as the vehicle) and to kill Muslims. It’s win-win for both.

  4. Dale Says:

    I love when you post these kinds of stories, Ron.

    You are too funny!

  5. Draken Says:

    If you get these letters stamped “postage paid”, by all means send them. There must be some very old family members, or an orphanage in Kuala Lumpur, where they can’t do any harm.

  6. Ron Britton Says:

    I’ll send them all to Jeff.

  7. Thomas Says:

    I’m still trying to wrap my head around why they need someone else to send them rather than sending them, themselves.

    Are they asking you to pony up for the stamps? Is this an attempt to gather more names for a mailing list?

    Then again, I just plain don’t understand fundies.

  8. Jeff Says:

    I’m still trying to wrap my head around why they need someone else to send them rather than sending them, themselves.

    Well, that’s understandable; all groups do it. It’s for the same reason that when you send an email to a politician, the organization asks you to email your friends and get them to do it as well. It lends greater credibility if their constituent base is larger and more widely distributed. It also helps them to increase their donor base.

    Or perhaps Baby Jesus just asked them to.

  9. Diane Says:

    A 2 for 1!!! You could mail those letters to your friends and ask for donations to the ACLU or any group you want to stop groups like this!

    Your work is done for you. They write the crazy letters and the ACLU gains

  10. sue blue Says:

    Hey, how can I get them to send me some of those letters? I’m all out of newspapers to light off my woodstove. Wait…never mind. They’re probably printed with toxic ink on crappy high-clay-content paper that doesn’t burn. Diane’s right. Get money instead.

  11. Laurence Says:

    It sounds like the caller wasn’t a real (at least in body) person, but a recording that “assumed” you would agree, and sent its responses on the “grunt detect” principle.

    I had one of these call once, and it was pretty obvious that there was no connection between what I said and what it played out. It was a trans-atlantic call, so I kept it going for some 15 minutes making suggestive suggestions and reading articles from Google!

  12. Ron Britton Says:


    No, she was real. It would have been very obvious when she read my address to me. You know how computer-assembled recordings sound when they’re stitching together numbers.