Asshole Jesus
I’ve seen the original versions of these pictures floating around the internet for quite a while now. They’re somehow supposed to “inspirational”. I find the whole idea that there’s an invisible guy following me around and watching everything I do to be quite creepy. Maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, I found these recaptioned versions over at Boredville. These captions are much more appropriate.
Update: 7/5/10
I was able to track down the original source for these drawings. They’re done by a fundie named Larry Van Pelt, who lives in Niceville (really!), Florida. You can see all of his original drawings here, although why you’d want to is beyond me.
You can find more of these great recaptioned versions over at Know Your Meme, in the “Jesus is a Jerk” sub-meme of “LOL Jesus”. You really should go over there and check out the others. Some of them are way funnier than the ones I’ve reproduced above.
June 24th, 2010 at 11:12 am
My favorite is the last one with the cows. It’s taken me about 20 minutes to stop laughing too hard to post this comment. Brilliant!
June 24th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
The Delete System 32 Jesus cracked me up. They all do, but that one in particular made me spit water all over my keyboard.
June 25th, 2010 at 8:45 am
My favorite of this:
“LOL bullet stays in.”
June 25th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
1st one, guy is about to drill a hole through his hand, so what would jebus do? Help him?? What an ass.
June 25th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
lol only dumb people believe the bible, love thy neighbor but kill them if they are gay or of different religion. i like Jesus but not his book or followers.
June 25th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
look up the asshole jesus” quit stealing my heroin jesus” one of these
June 25th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
why are these people hangin w. the same hippie? I thought people hated us hippies?
June 25th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Very, very funny!
June 25th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
Hah. Just like Haiti. The cartoon has a point.
June 25th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
Muhammad, ‘Whats your name little girl?’
Aisha, ‘Um, Aisha…’
Aisha, ‘what your name mister?’
Muhammad, ‘Muhahahaha…..mmad’
Muhammad, ‘Would you like a candy Aisha?’
June 26th, 2010 at 8:32 am
These are offensive.
June 26th, 2010 at 8:45 am
I like the toons. But what is the square root of the cross? (The red images titled “bof-spacer.png”.)
June 26th, 2010 at 9:38 am
Everything’s offensive.
June 26th, 2010 at 9:53 am
I’m just using that as a separator to keep things from jamming together. The symbol is explained here.
June 26th, 2010 at 11:10 am
take care. If u hv uploaded anythin like thid about The prophet u wud hv been fleeced. Tolerance maybe synonymous with Hindus and Christians but doesnt mean that i cud b so damn insensitive.
June 26th, 2010 at 11:14 am
I knew this post would bring out the crazies more than most.
June 26th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
ginmia, you are so illiterate I have no idea if you like this post or hate it…
June 26th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
What do they do – spend all their time online just Googling “Jesus”?
June 26th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I am partial to:
“He’s been here all morning, just ignore him until the police arrive.”
Damn police, never around when you need them.
June 26th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
What I find funny, is when people say stuff like this is offensive…. but just think, You are the idiot that clicked on something titled “Asshole Jesus” so what does that say about you? I’m pretty sure that the title gives a fairly good insight to the content so if you don’t have a sense of humor then I suggest, don’t click on it. Duh?
June 26th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Great stuff! How can someone who doesn’t exist be offended.
June 26th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I like the “Shut the fuck up, Jesus.” The way Jesus is leering at that woman is just too creepy. Is it just me or is he blatantly staring at her tits? The really weird thing is how anyone could find the original illustrations at all inspiring or comforting.
June 26th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
@rutger – agreed.
June 27th, 2010 at 1:16 am
cool dude, viva la evalucion
June 27th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I was under the impression that it was generally a better idea to leave the bullet in immediately after the victim is shot to avoid causing more hemorrhaging, especially in the case that the bullet is blocking an artery… So Jesus isn’t being an asshole there.
June 27th, 2010 at 6:41 pm
@Jason And I was under the impression that you don’t magically appear on an operating table immediately after being shot. Or that the doctor knows what he’s doing and is pretty sure the risk of hemorrhaging has decreased enough to do surgery.
But maybe that’s just me idk.
June 27th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Yeah, fuck Jesus. Love is retarded.
June 27th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
Jesus looks a lot like Andy Gibb.
June 27th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
I do not like images like these that further polarize theists and atheists. If we want religious wars to stop and if we want theists to become secular or at least appreciate secular concepts then sites like these aren’t helping. I’m on the atheist side but believe in respect for both parties involved.
June 27th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Nathan:
Respect has to be earned. The fundies have no respect for anybody who is not a member of their very narrowly-defined religious fringe. They certainly have no respect for the secular, nor our institutions, such as democracy, or our foundational principles, such as the Constitution.
When they start showing that, then I’ll take this site down.
June 28th, 2010 at 4:21 am
started immature but some great ones towards the end. It’s funny cos it’s Jesus, but it probably applies more to God.
June 28th, 2010 at 6:22 am
Sorry, Nathan, but I have no respect for people who think the vast majority of human beings will be tortured for all of eternity and I have no interest in faking it.
Also, fundies are predators – they perceive gestures of conciliation as signs of weakness. Are you really so naive as to think that if we show them respect, they’ll say, “Hey, these secularists aren’t so bad! Maybe we should stop trying to take over the schools and reconsider same-sex marriage!”?
June 28th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Thanks Nathan… it’s refreshing to hear from a sensible atheist. I’d have a thoughtful conversation with you any day. Ron, just remember, thoughtless mockery never helps people get to truth.
June 28th, 2010 at 7:46 am
LOL. Jesus sure is one white mofo when evangelicals get their inspirational cartoons going. Also…is it just me, or have the years been unkind to old King J? He appears to be putting on some weight! Must be all that great food in heaven.
This needs to officially be named a correlary of Godwin’s Law. If you make fun of Jesus, it is absolutely inevitable that some theotard will remind you of JUST HOW LUCKY YOU ARE that Christians don’t murder you, like yucky brown Mooslims would do! The atrocious grammar and ‘text message’ spelling and puncuation was just icing on the cake.
Shorter Nathan: Dear Christians: Please continue beating me so I may defend you more. Sincerely, Nathan.
June 28th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Mockery may not help fundies realize how ignorant they are, but reason doesn’t seem to work, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to passively accept their ruination of science curriculums.
For the last couple days I’ve entertained myself by wading into the comments at the Creation Museum’s facebook page. I know some astonishingly stupid things have been said by fundies on this blog before, but nothing can hold a candle to what is said there. I did make a few attempts at reasoning with them, but I could only tolerate so much dipshittery, and ultimately had no recourse other than to bust out the scorn and ridicule. Really, I had no choice. I am pround to report they have deleted all of my comments and have banned me from future postings.
June 28th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
They’re functional children, really. No one is allowed to tell them anything they don’t want to hear.
June 28th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Surgeon to Jesus: “Damn your dad, hairball – you just fucked up my sterile field! Someone get this idiot hippie outta here!”
June 28th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
This may be a Norwegian term, but the intent of “gallows humor” is universal…and has proven to be a resilient friend and absolute necessity for enjoyment of life surrounded by what seems to be an increase in people turning to religion….in 2010…..
But, for humor and reasoning to have that “little” extra, the little extra that lies at the bottom of every secular society….it must be rooted in mutual respect and a genuine want of understanding….bah….sorry, just wanted to say that mrParrotLover77; that was very well written, and gave the necessary “eye-of-the-hurricane-wink” one needs after reading…ehhm….glancing at the same old lines of stale religion….
It’s evolution, baby!
June 29th, 2010 at 8:08 pm
I love ‘em. And who the fuck cares if it offends people who hear voices coming out of snakes, burning bushes, and thin air? I’m done pretending to respect religion, religious ideas, or religious people. I DON’T respect any of the three. I DO disrespect you, your god, your pedophile prophet (ya, mooslims too, eh!) and your stupid ideas.
If you don’t like people laughing at your beliefs, stop having such silly beliefs!
June 30th, 2010 at 6:20 am
That would make for a very fun guest post! Ron? Brian?
June 30th, 2010 at 8:11 am
PL:
I can’t. I’m not on Facebook.
June 30th, 2010 at 9:19 am
(Wistfully) I remember when I wasn’t on Facebook…
June 30th, 2010 at 11:38 am
PL,
While I had a few laughs, I did have to “like” the Creation Museum in the first place in order to comment there, and clicking that button was akin to sitting on a hornet’s nest.
There seemed to be the same three or four people defending Ken Ham and Jesus, so you can imagine how boring it quickly got. Predictably, each comment I left garnered the exact same response: appeal to a holy book, threats of hellfire, and useless prayers made on my behalf. Oh, and the interminable scripture quotes. Even after I explicitly stated that quoting the bible had zero influence over me, they did it even more.
After a couple days of this they finally had enough and banned me, deleting all of my comments in the process. Admittedly, I didn’t curse until the last one, when I said, “That God. What a shit!”. That must have done it.
As a side note, there were a few people from our team besides myself taking shots at the fundies. Someone named Shane was particularly snarky and I enjoyed reading his stuff. Sadly, everyone else defending evolution wrote like fundies, complete with no spell-checking, no punctuation, and a maddening sense of conciliation toward nonsense. I’m glad I’ve got that experience out of my system.
July 1st, 2010 at 2:52 am
Brian, I wouldn’t do it again, in any venue. Arguing with them accomplishes nothing; it merely antagonizes you and strengthens their resolve. You simply don’t get anywhere. Ninety-nine percent of them are completely incapable of change (as I often say here, I’m convinced it’s neurological), and the few who are capable of it will get out on their own, when they’re ready.
July 1st, 2010 at 6:56 am
I dunno. It can be stressful, but sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes you just need to blow off some steam.
I think it’s good to puncture little holes in their mutual admiration club. It’s not that any one thing you say will immediately get anybody to open their eyes, but the totality of such experiences over a long period of time might cause change.
So in that ways, it’s sort of a necessary evil to punch holes in their arguments over and over again and maybe one day they’ll realize they ARE brainwashed. Who knows?
But in the mean time, blowing off steam is a good thing!
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:38 pm
To reply to Nathan’s in 29 –
I am a Christian. I fully believe in open mindedness and respect for everyone. I make it my main goal to speak to everyone on the same level, so I appreciate your plight for peace.
To Ron in 30 –
I think you’ve got a lot of passion. What needs to be understood is that Christians are human. Just like atheists and agnostics and people of every belief system, there are “crazies” and “sane ones”. I know I have respect for everyone who puts thought into their belief, no matter what it is, because they care at least. While I’d like for everyone to know my God, the God of second chances who WANTS everyone to have happiness and safety with Him forever, I understand I can’t logic away everyone’s doubts. I can speak for myself and my Christian friends when I saw that what we want to do is love, respect, and show that we REALLY care for everyone and are striving for the most peaceful ways to live. We’re all just learning as we go, like everybody else.
July 3rd, 2010 at 3:26 am
Jo, there are FAR more crazy Christians than there are humanists. The Texas State Board of Education, to give one example, represents the majority in that state; the secularists have to keep a low profile. I’m given to understand it’s that way across pretty much all of the South and Midwest.
In addition, there are important differences:
1. Atheists aren’t trying (despite what your leaders are telling you) to commandeer society and shove their beliefs down everyone else’s throat. They aren’t mandating the teaching of nonsense in the public schools. They don’t insist that capitalism and jingoism have a divine mandate. The most vocal Christians in this country (I’d say the majority; you might disagree, but there are millions of them, in any case) aren’t simply “striving for the most peaceful ways to live”. They have, in fact, made this country the laughing stock of the developed nations.
2. Atheists don’t think that everyone who disagrees with them is going to hell. This is something that Christians (even fairly moderate ones) simply do not get – salvific exclusivism is the dividing line. You can’t pull a Rodney King – “Can’t we all just get along?” – when you think that billions of your fellow human beings are going to be tortured forever and ever – and that they deserve to be. Further, the two most influential strains of thought within the evangelical subculture are Calvinism and Domionism. The latter mandates a Christian takeover, first of America, then the world. The former teaches that God has created the vast majority of human beings for the sole purpose of watching them suffer for all of eternity, while the handful that constitute the “elect” get to hang out on a mezzanine in heaven, watching alongside him, pointing and giggling like school children. There are literally millions who believe this – indeed, who anticipate it eagerly. They can’t wait for it all to come about.
So, I’m sorry, Jo, but you don’t get to claim moral equivalency. You certainly don’t get to claim the high ground.
July 3rd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Jo:
Actually, I’m still collecting data on that question.
Congratulations. You have discovered one of the foundational principles of this blog. It focusses on the crazies. I only occasionally take jabs at religion in general. This post, for example, is more general. However, what it’s really doing is just pointing out that one of the common behaviors of Christians in general—that of making “inspirational” drawings showing that Jesus is always with you—is a little silly if you think about it. There’s nothing wrong with poking gentle fun at any aspect of modern culture. Mainline Christians might be irked at these pictures and prefer that they never would have been made or published. Therefore, I’m guilty of annoyance. Sorry. That’s my right.
There is a subset of Christians who are absolutely apoplectic over what are, if you think about it, pretty benign cartoons. Now who might these people be who have a rabid overreaction to anything that even hints at disrespecting their prophet? There seems to be a lot of that going around in another religion, too. Those are the people who need to learn how to get along with other people and live peacefully in society. It’s not my fault that a tiny subset of the population can’t cope with the world they live in and have to respond with violent emotions.
Seriously?
Some beliefs do not deserve respect. I do not respect anybody who wishes harm upon others or whose main objective in life is to hate.
Then you have nothing to fear from this website.
July 3rd, 2010 at 11:08 pm
“I can speak for myself and my Chritian friends when I saw (sic) that what we want to do is love, respect, and show that we REALLY care for everyone and are striving for the most peaceful ways to live.”
Now, why do I automatically see the codicil “as long as ‘everyone’ believes exactly as we do” after statements like this? Could it be because every example of Christian “loving-kindness” is always accompanied by some kind of bribe or not-so-subtle attempt to coerce adherence to dogma? As in: “Yes, we’ll feed you starving (insert Third-world nation name here)folks – if you get baptized as we build this here church in the middle of your village.” Or “We’re here to help you Haitians in your hour of need – here’s a Bible.” Or how about the woman I personally know of who appealed to her church for help in leaving an abusive relationship, only to be told she’d have to attend pastoral counseling sessions to save her marriage in order to receive any help? Selfless love and respect, my ass – and lets not even get into the lame excuse of prayer as an alternative to useful effort, as in “pray the lord plugs that oil leak”.
July 4th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
That Jesus totally looks like Jeff Bridges.
July 8th, 2010 at 6:51 am
Just wanted to add that I personally think that happens to any large group in the majority. It’s easy to let crazy thoughts fester and mature and become mainstream when you have a large support group. So if humanists were the majority, I could easily see a very large crazy population of humanists. It would probably resemble something closer to the anti-vax and colon cleanse type of people than fundies, though. Just hypothesizing.
And that is, quite possibly, the biggest difference. I don’t have any numbers, but I can say that all the Christians I am related to and friendly with don’t relish the idea of a hell, as some do (as Jeff points out), but they are genuinely concerned and wrestle with the fact that their “loving” god would mandate this. It’s an odd mental balance and seems to highly resemble Stockholm Syndrome.
July 8th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Yes! I’ve said the same, myself.
July 15th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Humorous pictures quickly turn into self-righteous atheists bashing the religious and turning up their noses at them? Why am I not surprised?
Atheists are functionally retarded man-children.
As an agnostic, I just have to shake my head at the continued immaturity of Dawkins-spawn everywhere.
July 15th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
I take “immaturity” as a compliment, thanks much. Go pull the stick out of your butt and enjoy life.
Uncle Tom Agnostics really piss me the fuck off. Almost as much as scientists piss off the Insane Clown Possee for lying all the time to them.
July 15th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
I think fence-sitters like Updog annoy me just as much, if not more, than fundies. At least fundies are staking out a position, no matter how ludicrous it is. Perhaps he thinks that we can all just get along, and let the masses revel serenely in their delusion. Really, I’m OK with a grown adult believing any stupid shit they want. What Updog conveniently ignores, however, is that the fundies want our children brainwashed with their particular brand of inanity, and that I cannot abide.
Someone has to defend reason in a world overrun with people who want it ruled by priests and imams, and people like Updog willingly turn a blind eye to their theocratic demands. Atheists may get snarky, even pissy, from time to time, but that’s an unavoidable reaction to such rampant ignorance. Deal with it.
July 16th, 2010 at 12:54 am
Ron Britton Says:
June 27th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Nathan:
Respect has to be earned. The fundies have no respect for anybody who is not a member of their very narrowly-defined religious fringe. They certainly have no respect for the secular, nor our institutions, such as democracy, or our foundational principles, such as the Constitution.
When they start showing that, then I’ll take this site down.
I’m a little late on this, I found this site with StumbleUpon. I almost never do this, but I felt like I should make an exception.
All I will say is their is not an ounce of fact in this statement.
July 16th, 2010 at 1:00 am
Which statement?
July 16th, 2010 at 6:04 am
There is not an ounce of fact in the statement “Ron Britton Says.” Deal with it suckaz!
It seems StumbleUpon always brings out the apologists. Interesting.
July 16th, 2010 at 7:17 am
StumbleUpon mostly brings out the RiffRaff.
We’ll never see Bianca again, so I have no way of knowing what she’s talking about. Perhaps she objects to “Respect has to be earned”? That’s an opinion, so of course it isn’t a “fact”.
Maybe she finds this offensive: “When they start showing that, then I’ll take this site down.” So she knows my intentions? Or maybe she can see into the future and knows that on August 15, 2013 at 7:19 in the morning (Guam Daylight Time), all fundies everywhere start respecting the Constitution, but I leave the site up?
That’s it! Bianca is omniscient. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just been visited by God!
July 16th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Don’t be silly. The world will end on Dec 21, 2012.
July 16th, 2010 at 7:31 am
Jeff:
You dare to contradict God?! Bianca will throw you into the lake of fire!
July 18th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
On a slightly related note, I saw on The Soup a clip of a recent episode of Wife Swap (that show is still on?) where a relatively normal family swaps their wife/mom for a lady who is increidbly mentally ill… for the lulz, of course, I guess?
She was absolutely 100% convinced of the end of the world in 2012 and taught her own kids survival skills for the imnpending apocalypse instead of like Kindergarten. She knows it’s all true because she found a website that says it has “scientific facts” and so on. The best part was that she couldn’t actually pronounce the word “apocalypse.”
…
SIGH: Some day the first CAPTCHA that is presented to me will actually work instead of say “Invalid CAPTCHA.”
July 23rd, 2010 at 8:22 pm
I didn’t read the comments, but these are funny images, I don’t care *what* you believe. If Jesus were alive, he’d probably enjoy them too.
July 24th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
i actually call BS to bianca’s statement. that not how fundies operate.
The thing with theonuts is that they do not give a flying beep about earthly systems, because they sincerely believe they’re heading to place far superiour to our current .. “plane of existence”. thats why known and proven IDiot’slike.. say.. Kent Hovind can openly ignore taxes and so on.
nothing to do with respect, because even if you change your public views to favor them more, normal everyday-christian will most likely continue to think you’re still a moron because you’re not with them, no matter even if you really do have a proven point with all the facts. they’re the most stubborn example of Us vs Them mentality.
July 25th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Loved the toon’s, but loved reading the comments even more. LOL Thanks for putting a smile on my dial.
Looking forward to meeting you all in hell. Party at my place. I’ve rented a condo with great views overlooking the lake of fire. BYO
July 28th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
All theists should be shot. Faith is a virus of the mind. Once contracted, it takes over the host forcing them to believe faith is superior to reason, destroys the host and then attempts to replicate itself. We should cull them and call it the rapture. It’s good for them and it’s good for us normal people.
July 28th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
There you go. Ron, PL – remember this the next time I say they should be simply be bred out of the genome.
July 28th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
probably shouldnt say that so-and-so from wherever posted something like this with all of jesus’ crazy fanclub out there. Kudos to him tho
July 29th, 2010 at 5:50 am
Oh, internet trolls, I love you! Without you my day would be so boring! Thank you for hiding behind your screen and pretending to be “one of us” while posting something completely vile and disgusting to make us look crazier than we are. Trolls… You complete me.
July 29th, 2010 at 6:50 am
I love how its almost impossible to tell a Poe from a real fundie, but it’s always obvious when a troll is pretending to be an atheist…
July 29th, 2010 at 8:54 am
If you want to have fun (or just want your faith in humanity eroded further) go to a fundie blog and pretend to be one of them. Make up the craziest, most ridiculous shit you can think of, throw in a few randomly-selected bible quotes, and sit back and be amazed at how many of them will agree with you. Am I a bad person for doing this? Perhaps. Do I feel bad about it? Not at all.
July 29th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Brian – That does make me wonder… Are the ones most impressed with your crazy just other trolls trolling the forum?
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in Poe. Lunatic fundies are easily found and show up in the nightly news often enough to know people that crazy are out there.
But still, you have to wonder when you jump on the forums how many are the authentic melt-in-your-mouth racist sexist bigot antihuman antiplanet vile disgusting genuine article, and how many are other trolls doing it for the Lulz…
August 3rd, 2010 at 7:43 am
Funny as Hell (turn of phrase only).
August 26th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
The best part of this whole deal is that I live less than an hour from Niceville.