One Guideline for Modesty

We’ve been ignoring BJ from the American Decency Association for a little too long, so I decided to check up on him. It turns out he decided to let somebody else say something stupid for him this week. He refers us to the blog of a Christian publisher named Michael Hyatt, who wrote an article titled “Whatever Happened to Modesty?” It’s actually an old article. This is so typical of BJ. Everything he references is outdated.

In the article, Hyatt tells us that he watched the MTV VMA awards:

It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. Gail and I finally had to turn it off. We just couldn’t take it any more.

It was so terrible I had to watch it all night!

It's a good thing it stretches. I need a lot of stretch.

Hyatt, watching MTV

As I thought about my experience later, it made me sad.

I’ve been spending all that money on Viagra, when I could be watching MTV for free!

I am the father of five daughters. So perhaps I’m just a little overly sensitive.

No, Hyatt. I’d say you’re a little overly-sexed. And very selfish and irresponsible. Ever hear of condoms? No, contrary to fundie belief, they don’t cause AIDS. They will, however, reduce your carbon footprint and leave a lot more food, water, and other resources for the rest of the world. It isn’t about how many fundies you can bring into this world or how many “souls” you save from being born into non-fundie families. It’s about being responsible and not using more than your fair share of the world’s limited resources.

But I was shocked at the complete absence of modesty, the ridicule of virginity….

Where are these girls fathers? Has anyone ever taught them the concept of modesty? Or have all the men in their lives simply exploited them as sex objects

That’s why it’s such a good thing that fundies don’t treat the women in their lives as possessions that they can control.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a prude.

Ummm…

These are not rules about skirt length or the amount of cleavage you can show.

Although if you want to come up with such rules, Hyatt, be sure to let me know. You could hire me to gather data. I already have a ruler. I’d have to get really close to measure accurately.

Hey, you’re not thinking of keeping that job for yourself, are you? No, you never would. After all, it’s not like you watch MTV all night just to see how skimpy the outfits are.

I gave these to my girls when they were growing up.

Here they are: “Four Guidelines for Modesty”:

  1. If you have trouble getting into it or out of it, it is probably not modest.
  2. If you have to be careful when you sit down or bend over, it is probably not modest.
  3. If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.
  4. If you can see your most private body parts or an outline of those parts under the fabric, it is probably not modest.

These dictates of his can actually be summarized into one:

Fundamentalist women

If it doesn’t look like this, it is probably not modest.

13 Responses to “One Guideline for Modesty”

  1. 4ndyman Says:

    It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed.

    I’m guessing he thought MTV was for kids. And, maybe, that it was about music.

    I expect further “research” along these lines:

    It’s been a while since I’ve had a McDonald’s milkshake, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe how much sugar and fat they crammed into this decadent drink. And they let children drink this?!

    or even

    It’s been a while since I’ve watched any porn, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. When I heard Gail’s car in the driveway, I just had to turn it off and pull up my pants.

    What’s next? Too much murder on CSI?

  2. L.Long Says:

    Its amazing how these jack-asses (my apologies to the 4legged variety) start with the assumption that your private parts can’t be seen. What? do they think we don’t know they have them??? You want to look at their faces 1st? Easy! Just get everyone nude!!! After a few minutes it will be boring and mostly ugly and people will start looking at faces first.

    The sexiest thing is the burqa,,,,You can fantasize about their bodies, with nudity it is shoved into your eyes….Ya I know this sentence is BS.

  3. dvsrat Says:

    Great sock advertisement. Could you imagine submitting that to the company president as a prospective promotion for the product? What would you expect the response to be? “Uh…. Perhaps you might consider placing the product in a position that is not so suggestive of a… something other than a sock.” I swear the ‘P’ alliteration was accidental.

    The zone number places the ad between 1944 and 1962. I would guess late ’40s.

  4. Anon Says:

    I’m having trouble imagining a top that would hide even the outline of my DD chest…minus, of course, the aforementioned burqa.

  5. s. Says:

    It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. Gail and I finally had to turn it off. We just couldn’t take it any more.

    I wonder if he would say the same thing about the county music awards,where the dress is pretty much the same..average.

  6. Jake Says:

    Here they are: “Four Guidelines for Modesty”:

    1. If you have trouble getting into it or out of it, it is probably not modest.
    2. If you have to be careful when you sit down or bend over, it is probably not modest.
    3. If people look at any part of your body before looking at your face, it is probably not modest.
    4. If you can see your most private body parts or an outline of those parts under the fabric, it is probably not modest.

    Is it ironic that a burqa would actually meet the first three of these four requirements for immodesty?

  7. dvsrat Says:

    Jake, very astute observation. Yes the burqa does fit into the first three categories with room to spare.

    And can’t forget — “It’s been a while since I read the Bible and I was flabbergasted. I could not believe all the sex, violence, and absurdity. And there are people who use this as a sacred text?! Not modest, I tell you, just not modest.”

  8. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Well, clearly, the only way to meet all four requirements is to put women in a very large cardboard box, with a tiny pinhole to see and breathe. Clearly.

  9. the contest will not be televised on mtv Says:

    “Well, clearly, the only way to meet all four requirements is to put women in a very large cardboard box, with a tiny pinhole to see and breathe”
    mmmm, wet cardboard contests, every Thursday 7pm

  10. another sensitive christian man Says:

    “It’s been a while since I’ve seen MTV, but I was flabbergasted. I could not believe the sensuality and decadence I witnessed. Gail and I finally had to turn it off. We just couldn’t take it any more.”
    oh lordy. it’s a good thing you used the remote, too. next thing they might have put on some music. a lot of people don’t know that the M in MTV is the mark of Music. yes, it’s like some kind of backward masking. they get you in to watch sinful dancing, then they program you to listen to music! the devils abomination!
    i’m praying for you.

  11. another sensitive christian man Says:

    and i hope your flabber has healed by now after that sochilist gasting. my hearts and prayers go out for your flabber.

  12. Delgarus Says:

    Well, clearly, the only way to meet all four requirements is to put women in a very large cardboard box, with a tiny pinhole to see and breathe. Clearly.

    Whoa whoa whoa! What’s this about a pinhole now? I thought we were being modest! We certainly don’t need some hole for the men to stare at. It’ll give them the wrong idea. Just make sure the woman takes a deep breath before getting into the box; she’ll be fine.

  13. nazani14 Says:

    These durn modern wenches! Let’s bring back Mae West, Betty Page, Daisy Mae, Vargas calendars and the circular-stitched bra! (I’m beginning to understand the difference between my parents’ slutbaggery and ours- their less flexible foundation garments restricted flight.)