Darwin Was Wrong, Part 8: Saturday Morning

Cats don't pray to Dog.

[And now, exactly one month since the last episode, here is the next installment of my experience at the Darwin Was Wrong lie-fest put on by Logos Research Associates. I’m writing this at 1:30 AM, so I’ll only cover the praying and singing that preceded the first talk of the day. Tonight, I hope to write up a description of the talk itself.

If you’ve come in late, you can start from the beginning of this story in Part 1, or you can jump to the first speaker in Part 4. You can also watch the videos of this conference at the Logos website (not recommended for the sane).]

I arrived at the church just five minutes late, but they’ve already started the program! Some guy was on stage saying something. Wait! Don’t start praying without me! I hurried to my seat. Made it! You can start praying now.

And they did.

After the prayer, the guy talked about how this was an historic event. Really? That you’ve got a church full of people praying and singing about Jesus and denying evolution?

Pathetic? Yes. Historic? No.

I looked around the church. It was sparsely attended this morning. Only about 25% of the seats were filled. Even the faithful don’t want to be at church at 8:30 on a Saturday morning.

The preacher guy left the stage. Hallelujah! The Jesus singers came out. Oh, crap! They started by singing “I’ll Fly Away”. That’s actually a good song, when it’s done right. They didn’t do it right.

Next, they asked everybody to stand for the performance of “Amazing Grace”. What is it with religious people and that song? I took this opportunity to run to the restroom. I got inside, and…

Oh, lord! They pipe the audio from the stage into the restroom! I can’t even get away from it in here! I discovered, however, that it acts as an excellent stimulant. Who needs Ex Lax?

By the time I got back to my seat, they were on to the next song. I scanned the auditorium and noticed some small kids sitting a few rows away. They were maybe 5 or 6 years old. Most of the lies that would be said that day would go over their heads. The lifetime of indoctrination won’t.

I looked at the video screens and noticed that they put the words to the song up there, so the congregation can sing along. Who needs hymn books? This is the 21st Century. We’ve got Jesus karaoke! The only thing missing is a bunch of drunk Japanese businessmen. Our congregation has them beat. We’re drunk on the Lord! (And not in a Catholic booze-and-crackers way.)

Did I just say “our congregation”? Oh no! The assimilation has begun! By the end of the day, I’ll be completely absorbed!

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As I said above, “I’ll Fly Away” is a good song when it is done right. Behold the right doing:

7 Responses to “Darwin Was Wrong, Part 8: Saturday Morning”

  1. Bud Says:

    The “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack is one of my favorites.

  2. godlizard Says:

    I still don’t know how you got through this – and the being there at eight thirty on a Saturday morning is nothing short of epic. I didn’t even know there was an eight thirty on a Saturday morning — I mean, I’m fairly sure it exists, but I haven’t seen it with my own two eyes :)

    But seriously, I’d rather feed my dog beans and go for a long car ride with the windows up than sit through this much ignorance! So I totally admire your courage, and willingness to dredge up the awful memories in order to give weak-willed folks like myself a glimpse of what it’s like in there.

  3. Ron Britton Says:

    Godlizard:

    I think the only reason I survived is because I’ve been doing this blog for several years. My brain is scabbed over from all of the stupid-arrows that have hit me over the years.

  4. Jeff Eyges Says:

    I didn’t even know there was an eight thirty on a Saturday morning — I mean, I’m fairly sure it exists, but I haven’t seen it with my own two eyes.

    godlizard, you need to have faith that it exists. If you really believe in eight thirty in the morning, it will reveal itself to you!

  5. Parrotlover77 Says:

    I didn’t even know there was an eight thirty on a Saturday morning — I mean, I’m fairly sure it exists, but I haven’t seen it with my own two eyes.

    I’ve seen it before! It does exist. I had to stay up really late on Friday to see it, but I did see it.

  6. Jeff Eyges Says:

    PL, there are no transitional minutes between Friday and Saturday! What you saw was a lie of the devil!

    (The Christians who read this are thinking, “That’s right, atheists, laugh it up. You won’t be laughing in hell!” Which, of course, provides them great comfort.)

  7. KennyCelican Says:

    Hey! I like Amazing Grace, when done right. Of course, ‘done right’ involves bagpipes, and vocals are optional.

    One of the things that infuriates me about Fundies is how they relish the misfortunes of others. It gives them a wedge. They don’t (always) require you to listen to their sermons to receive their help, but they make it clear that it’s expected.

    OK, not sure how that relates. It just sorta burbled up as I was typing.