The Ghost of Christmas Presents

I don't know what it is, but I want one!

This is what toys used to be like, before they got all wimped out due to “safety issues”. I’ll have more to say about that in my next two posts. In the meantime, here are some great and not-so-great presents (both real and imaginary) that you can get your kids for Christmas.

For kids who like Sesame Street:

Next year: Crystal Meth Ernie

This next one was a real product, and it looks like a real ad. I just can’t figure out what publication would run it:

Sega Game Gear

(image from Skull Swap)

This next one is a little too real:

Practice shooting up your school!

The copyright on that ad says 1967. That’s right! You can buy Johnny a toy version of the very same gun that his older brother is using right now to kill Viet Cong! Then when Johnny gets drafted in a few years, he’ll sail through boot camp, because he can already field-strip an M16 blindfolded.

Note to modern kids: If you manage to score one of these at a flea market or antique shop, don’t take it to school for show and tell. Somehow I don’t think they will be as enthusiastic about your treasured find as you are.

Finally, some kids will be disappointed that they didn’t receive what they really wanted this Christmas:

Jesus brings presents to all the good kids on Christmas

8 Responses to “The Ghost of Christmas Presents”

  1. TB Tabby Says:

    The Game Gear ad is a product of the X-TREEEEEEEEEEM ’90s, when the video game companies were trying to appeal to the grunge/teen demographic by looking more superficially mature. They usually went for over-the-top violence, “Sticking It To The Man” imagery, and crude gross-out humor, but sex appeal wasn’t unheard of. There was also a Sega Saturn ad with a naked woman on with, with her naughty bits covered by screenshots. “In case you didn’t notice, there is a beautiful naked woman on this page.”

    That toy M-16 started a rumor that Mattel also made the real M-16. False, obviously. Snopes has more info.

  2. YogaforCynics Says:

    I think I had something similar to that machine gun, a decade or so later.

    Love the “Shoot Me Up Elmo,” even if “convulses” is misspelled…

  3. K-Fed Says:

    I would think that’s a real Sega ad. Google “The more you play with it the harder it gets”.

    http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=oielo8&s=3

  4. KennyCelican Says:

    At least that last pic shows us how Tammy Fae got that way.

    That IS her, isn’t it? I thought I recognized the make up.

  5. Stardrake Says:

    That Game Gear ad was obviously for the British market–both the spellings (…”full colour game system…”) and the quoted price (…”£99.99!”) make this clear. Brits accept FAR more snark and innuendo in their ads than Yanks do. (After all, they shipped out their damned Puritans to us….)

    On the M-16, I have heard from reliable historians of weaponry that Mattel was a subcontractor to Colt for the furniture on the M-16 (the pistol grip and foregrip). It actually makes sense–Colt didn’t know from injection molding, and Mattel were past masters of the art.

    And I SO wanted an “M-16 Marauder” when I was a kid–but it was too expensive, so I wound up with Mattel’s M1 Thompson cap gun instead. Such was life…

  6. TB Tabby Says:

    I remind you again, that was just an urban legend:

    http://www.snopes.com/military/m16.asp

    And here’s that Saturn ad I mentioned:

    http://cdn1.gamepro.com/article_img/gamepro/53238-2.jpg

  7. Parrotlover77 Says:

    But… Reliable historians! Who can argue with that source?

  8. NekBeerd Says:

    Here’s another one that complements your Sega ad:

    Sega ad