Darwin Was Wrong, Part 7: Stone Cold Lies

Steve Austin conducting research

[This is the latest installment of my experience at the Darwin Was Wrong lie-fest put on by Logos Research Associates. You can start from the beginning of this story in Part 1, or you can jump to the first speaker in Part 4. You can watch the videos of this conference at the Logos website (not recommended for the sane).]

Intermission!

At this point, they gave us a ten-minute break. I felt something hitting my shoulder. I looked, and discovered that chunks of my brain were falling out.

The Jesus singers came back out to torture us some more. I was willing to confess to plotting 9/11 just to make them stop.

I headed out to the lobby. Maybe the sulfurous stench of a public restroom would cauterize my neurons and make the agony stop.

I discovered a long line for the restroom. Big church. Small restroom. Not a very intelligent design.

Eventually, I made my way back to my seat. Intermission was over, so they were calling everyone back.

And then more Jesus music! Oh no. They want everyone to stand for the chorus! I looked around. Everybody stood up. Hell no! I’m not going to stand up for a song. They can pray around me all they want, but they can’t make me participate in their ritual. I’m here to observe. I’m not here to praise their God.

I stayed in my seat as the rest of the congregation stood and sang. I think I’m blowing my cover.

Steve Austin: Darwin Was Wrong about Geology

Here’s how Logos describes this talk:

Darwin was profoundly wrong about the origin of the Santa Cruz River Valley and the geologic record in general. His speculations of slow and gradual biological change were based on the false idea of slow and gradual geologic change.

Steve Austin

I wasn’t able to dig up any information about Steve Austin on Wikipedia or Conservapedia, but I did manage to find his bio over at Creation Wiki. He is abusing three legitimate degrees from three legitimate schools: University of Washington (BS), San Jose State University (MS), and Pennsylvania State University (PhD). You’d think that with all of that real education, a real fact or two would manage to sneak into his brain.

You’d be wrong.

Austin stepped onto the stage. By way of introduction, he bragged about how he has a video on YouTube with 32,000 hits! He seemed to think that was a lot. Sorry, Steve. Get back to me when you have a video people actually want to look at. For example, here’s a cat in a bathtub, and it has more than 4.6 million hits.

I don’t want to see Austin’s crappy 32K YouTube video. That’s right, I’m only interested in a moist pussy. (Oh, shut up! I had to say it!)

Austin told us these would be his main points:

  1. Darwin was a geologist
  2. Darwin saw world-class geologic features
  3. Darwin rejected catastrophism
  4. Catastrophism prevails in the 21st century in spite of Darwin

Darwin Was a Geologist

Darwin himself said he was a geologist. I guess Austin is trying to show that Darwin was qualified to make the correct interpretations of what he saw, yet he didn’t. This is something Austin knows well. Steve Austin has three degrees in geology, yet he can’t make one correct interpretation!

Darwin Saw World-Class Geologic Features

Austin then said something about boulders and the Santa Cruz River Valley in Argentina. Darwin thought the boulders were deposited there by ice. Austin thinks there was a glacier dam that broke and carried the boulders down the river and dropped them on the beach. This guy sure loves his floods.

Darwin Rejected Catastrophism

Whatever he said here was so dull I mercifully omitted it from my notes.

Catastrophism Prevails in the 21st Century in Spite of Darwin

This is the argumentum ad populum (appeal to the majority) fallacy. Just because there are millions of ignorant fools out there who still believe in the flood myth doesn’t make it any less false.

Austin tried to tell us that Mount St. Helens “proves” that you can get lots of strata in just a few hours. He also tried to claim that the Grand Canyon was farted out of God’s anus after eating an especially large bean burrito. (Actually, all my notes say on this topic is “100 feet of strata in the Grand Canyon can be explained by one catastrophic event.” I’m guessing that he’s referring to the Divine Hershey Squirts in this case. It’s documented somewhere in one of the Gnostic Gospels. You can look it up!)

Austin then burned off the rest of his time by showing his wildly-(un)popular YouTube video. Hey, Steve! Show us something else! Can you get PornoTube on that thing?

That pretty much wrapped it up for Stone Cold Wrong Steve Austin. I did find it amusing that by claiming Mount St. Helens “proves” catastrophism, Austin did the very thing that the prior speaker, Thomas McMullen, warned against: Looking at a current event and extrapolating it back into the past. This is typical of creationists. They grasp at so many straws to prop up their fantasies that they end up contradicting themselves every time they open their mouths.

But Wait! We Can’t Leave Without Thanking God!

Steve Austin left the stage, and that was the end of the scheduled program for this evening. I was eager to run out of there before any more of my brain ended up on the floor. But then the MC came out and led the congregation in a prayer!

I don’t remember what he said. It was either mercifully short, or the language lobe of my brain was already rolling down the sloped floor toward the front of the room.

Somehow I managed to stagger out of there, call a cab, and get back to the hotel. Somehow I would need to find the strength to get up early the next morning and come back here for the next day’s session. And it wasn’t going to be a merciful half-day like today. It was going to last all day. But could I?

[Next: I have to get up early? To go to church?! What the hell was I thinking?!]

8 Responses to “Darwin Was Wrong, Part 7: Stone Cold Lies”

  1. Noir the Sable Says:

    …didn’t they say it WASN’T going to be a surrogate church service?

  2. Ron Britton Says:

    That was just one of their many lies.

  3. J. A. Baker Says:

    That pretty much wrapped it up for Stone Cold Wrong Steve Austin.

    He’s the $6 million liar. We can rebuild him, we have the technology. More mendacious, more wrong, more illogical.

  4. Thomas Says:

    Catastrophism would be a great name for an experimental techno band.

  5. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Bragging about 32,000 views is comical. However, comparing that to a cat video is entirely unfair! Everybody knows that cat pictures and videos own the internet. If he could just get a couple hundred thousand, I’d be a bit more impressed by his YouTube studliness.

    I can’t really figure out why this “conference” had such a blatant worship-service vibe to it. Is it just because it’s all they know? It wouldn’t be hard at all to give this thing a bit of facelift to appear more neutral. Just hold it at a motel conference room, mix in a bit of secular music, and …uh… don’t lead a group prayer!

  6. breakerslion Says:

    They grasp at so many straws to prop up their fantasies that they end up contradicting themselves every time they open their mouths.

    Interesting coincidence. This is the second definition of circular bullshit that I’ve seen today.

  7. Ron Britton Says:

    ParrotLover:

    Comparing that to a cat video is entirely unfair! Everybody knows that cat pictures and videos own the internet.

    I confess I did specifically go in search of a cat video, because I knew I’d find one with millions of views. Still, 32,000 is not impressive. Compare that to Pat Condell, who consistently gets upwards of 200,000. Fundie videos like Austin’s need to be able to pull at least as well as atheist videos. There are more fundies, after all. It should be easy for them.

    I can’t really figure out why this “conference” had such a blatant worship-service vibe to it. Is it just because it’s all they know?

    Short answer: Yes.

    Long answer: Absolutely.

  8. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Heh – cat in a bathtub beats creationist!

    Of course, to someone who thinks 6,000 years is a long time, I’m sure 32,000 seems like a lot of hits. Makes one suspect they don’t really have a clear idea of what “eternity” means, either.