Frank Chu, Part 2

[I had to run away to St. Paul, so here is an article I wrote in advance.]

Media circus

[You can read Part 1 here, if you haven’t yet.]

I rarely watch TV news. Much of it is very poorly done. The few good stories are sandwiched between garbage stories about celebrity divorces and the missing white girl du jour. Look at what happened a couple of weeks ago for just the most recent example. The least qualified person ever to run for Vice President has a book written for her, and apparently no other news happened on the day it was released! That’s all the media could talk about that day. This is ironic considering that most of their audience won’t read anything with longer sentences than People magazine (“See Jen. See Ben. See Jen with Ben. Run, Ben, run!”).

From what I could tell, all the news shows were interested in that day two weeks ago was talking about Sarah Palin’s book or trying to get her on the show, so she could answer questions by stomping the correct number of times with her hoof.

This is just background information, so you’ll have some idea of how I felt that day in 2004 when I went to the circus…


On one of my occasional forays through Redwood City in 2004, I noticed a temporary sign that said “Middlefield Road closed to through traffic”. I thought that was odd, since it was a major street. There must be something wrong with it. I’m sure they’ll fix it soon.

Months passed. Every time I went through Redwood City, I saw that sign. What sort of incompetence could be responsible for that problem still existing? Little did I realize that the liberal media and activist judges were at fault!

Later that year, I had to go to the courthouse for some reason. It’s just off of Middlefield. Oh, crumb! That sign is still there! I turned down the next street instead, found parking, walked toward the courthouse…

And ran smack dab into a media circus.

An entire block of Middlefield road was closed off, so the news media had a place to park their satellite trucks and set up mini reporting studios under canopy tents. There were trucks from all the major U.S. media, several European organizations, and one from Japan. Just about the only media I didn’t see was Al Jazeera.

Those little reporting tents were quite the sight as well. They usually had short fences around two or three sides to keep out undesirables (such as the public). At one end was a place for the news reporter to stand. In the middle was a TV camera or a place for the cameraman to stand. At the other end were the engineers and their equipment, with many thick cables running back to the satellite truck.

The reporters were all quite comical. They all wore heavy makeup (to hide the wrinkles) and heavy clothing (to avoid wrinkles). And then there was their hair. How can I possibly describe their hair? It looked like a helmet. They all had used so much hair gel that I’m sure they could have gone into a combat zone and not had to worry about getting shot in the head. I guess having a loose strand of hair when reporting in a hurricane is a cardinal sin.

But it didn’t stop there. The little news palapas weren’t just on Middlefield. They also wrapped around the corner and were set up in the parking lot in front of the courthouse as well. Each was staffed with one or two assistants, a cameraman, a reporter, and hair.

Apparently I had somehow managed to absorb some non-news that year, because as soon as I saw this monument to journalistic shallowness, I knew exactly what was going on: The Scott Peterson trial!

I continued walking through the parking lot and past the reporters. There was a fenced-off area in the courtyard, with a few people milling about. Apparently this was a free-for-all area where lawyers and court officials would come out and give updates.

To the side was a grassy knoll. Apparently this was used for press conferences. In fact, at this very moment I saw Mark Geragos standing in front of a few reporters, assassinating the truth.

Aside from all of the media and media whores, I saw maybe 20 ordinary people standing around. I guess they were trial groupies who couldn’t get enough Scott Peterson dirt on TV, so they had to come down to the courthouse to try to find out more.

And there, among that small crowd of onlookers, I saw Frank Chu.

Bay of Fundie is part of the conspiracy!

(Image from ACME ChuMaker)

At this time, I had never heard of the guy. I was curious what his sign said. I assumed that it had something to do with the trial, and that this guy must have a strong opinion about Scott Peterson’s guilt or innocence. I just couldn’t read the sign from where I was standing. Being the curious sort, I moved in to get a closer look.

I still had trouble reading the sign. What I could see of it didn’t make any sense. It didn’t appear to have anything to do with the trial at all, but I just couldn’t read some of the words. Even at this distance, they looked like gibberish. I moved in a lot closer. I still couldn’t make it out. It said something about galaxies and impeach Clinton and Mr. Mxyzptlk or something.

Chu saw me staring at his sign, so he came over. I think I spoke first. I foolishly asked him what his sign was about. He then proceeded to talk at me for several minutes. I heard him say something about the galaxies and how Clinton conspired with them to steal Chu’s money. I can’t remember what else he said, but it was pretty wild and unbalanced.

Finally, I interrupted him. Turning to leave, I said, “You know, the doctors are actually trying to help you. You shouldn’t refuse the medication.”

10 Responses to “Frank Chu, Part 2”

  1. ericsan Says:

    Howard Stern used to have a regular guest (or WackPacker, as he calls them) named Croix, a woman who sounded almost reasonable until a little prodding would get her started. Then, she would explain how she had lost everything she had because Ronald Reagan “stole her architecture.” She claimed that Ronald Reagan and Fidel Castro had plotted to steal her plans for a secret military base at the North Pole.

    This guy seems to be the same kind of nutter: schizophrenic with paranoid tendencies. These people are very dangerous, remember What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? which inspired an REM song and the Terry Gilliam movie “12 Monkeys”?

  2. Ron Britton Says:


    He does sound a lot like Croix.

    How is “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” connected with 12 Monkeys? I don’t remember any similarity or connection.

  3. ericsan Says:

    I don’t remember exactly as I haven’t seen the movie in years, but the convicts who are sent back in time are fitted with a transmitter in a tooth to have a means to prevent them from defecting to the past. In order to defeat the transmitter one has to know the frequency at which it operates. Also, they arrive in the past quite confused and once the transmitter activates they become frantic and appear to be completely schizophrenic (voices in their heads, irrational and obsessive behavior…)

    I did a quick Google search and found out other people had made the connection, check it out 🙂

  4. Ken Says:

    The colors and lettering of the signs make them look strangely like those sites where you can generate a picture of a baseball scoreboard, church sign, or Stephen Colbert “On Notice” board with your choice of messages. Not that I think they are a Photoshop job – there’s really nothing you could do to those phrases to make them more insane.

  5. Ken Says:

    Oh, I see that they ARE from such a site. Should have spotted “BAY OF FUNDIE”, even though I missed the caption. This must be the modern equivalent of getting your own* newsgroup in the USENET days.

  6. Ron Britton Says:


    You found the Easter egg! I was hoping to trip up somebody on that. You can see a real sign in part 1 of this series.

  7. Parrotlover77 Says:

    I didn’t know it was an easter egg. I spotted it, laughed with the joke, and didn’t pay it any more attention. 🙂

  8. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Mr. Mxyzptlk

    Heh! I like pop culture references. That tops my Jethro Bodine.

  9. José Says:

    When I first saw him in around 1999, he didn’t have the fancy sign he has today. He just had a piece of folded paper about 4×6 inches taped to a tongue depressor, so you really had to get close to read it. At that time I think the sign read “12 galaxies unite to form ultronic rocket society. Impeach Clinton”. The kicker was that the back simply said “Invest in Holland”. I initially assumed he was a performance artist.

  10. breakerslion Says:

    Frank Chu is beginning to remind me of this guy:

    And, oh yeah, “Kltpzyxm!”