Christianity is Real, Unlike that Fraud Jeane Dixon

No. Just fleas.

Charlie Butts at OneNeuronNow always knows reality when he sees it, so let’s look at his latest article, “She searched, God found”:

Lulu Auger has written a book titled Lulu in which she chronicles her encounter with the occult.

Usually when somebody is screaming about the occult, you think of Satanists and baby sacrifices and poodles (not poodle sacrifices, I mean poodles. Those things are nasty! Certainly the devil’s spawn if ever I saw it. And when is devil spawning season? Do they use the fish ladders? Do you need a license? What’s the limit?). Anyway, getting back to our story, I’m thinking that Lulu must have gotten herself mixed up in something really sinister.

Lulu and her husband own “Blackie’s,” the famous restaurant in Washington, DC, and a meeting with astrologer Jean Dixon initiated her entry into the occult.

That’s it? A fake psychic? She gets cheated out of $50 or whatever for a fraudulent “psychic reading” and she thinks she’s sold her soul to the devil? I went to a new age fair once (or as Penn Jillette likes to say: “newage”, rhymes with “sewage”). Does that mean I get to write a book also? It was pretty fun, too. I wasn’t blogging at the time, or I would have written a hilarious article. I managed to get three free psychic readings that day. They were free, but I still overpaid (hey, my time is worth something! It also cost me some brain cells. I could feel my brain cells throwing themselves off of cliffs and stepping in front of trains—anything to escape the lunacy—as I sat there getting psyched). I’ll have you know, that in one of my past lives, I was a high-level advisor to the Pharaohs! Makes you want to treat me with more respect, doesn’t it? (Oh! And remind me to tell you the Q-Ray story sometime!)

Where were we? Oh yes. Dissecting another one of Charlie Butts’ dreadful articles. You know it’s bad, because I can’t stay focussed on it. Speaking of poodles, I should try to convince my cousin to write up some of the adventures of her dreadful poodle Jacques. You’d like those. That thing was unkillable, despite the Universe’s best attempts.

OK! OK! We’ll get back to the article (don’t say I didn’t warn you):

Auger, 85, describes her encounter with Dixon: “She prayed. She went to church every morning. She said God uses her to help people to show them what they’re supposed to be doing in their life, and she talked more like a woman of God than anyone I ever met.”

That’s her criteria for determining religiosity? Those people tend to be the biggest frauds on the planet. Take a look at the bozo pictured below. Would you trust your immortal soul to this guy? I rest my case.

He doesn't have fleas, but he make people flee.

But the author says she did not realize how far she had sunk into the occult until her family began to raise concerns.

No. It’s when her family began raising the dead that should have tipped her off. Short of that, I don’t think she’s really involved in the occult.

At the time, Auger was reading palms and taking part in other aspects of the occult world before her family convinced her she was very lost.

That reminds me of that time I went to the newage fair. There was a seminar on palm reading. The charlatan running the session said that he needed a volunteer from the audience. I jumped up and down like Donkey in Shrek until he picked me. (Notice that I italicized Shrek. I did that so you’d know I was referring to the movie. I didn’t want you to confuse it with the movie in which Donkey was in Shrek. That was one of those unauthorized X-rated sequels.)

He doesn't have fleas either. Just crabs.

I stood up and the fake psychic looked at my palm for a few seconds, then he said “This looks like a fun hand.” I replied “I have fun with it.” This was followed by an uncomfortable silence. It was his own fault. Don’t feed me a straight line.

Back to our dull story:

She now stresses that her life story teaches a lesson: if you are searching, God will find you wherever you are.

That’s what restraining orders are for.

“I always thought I knew my way and purpose in my life, and yet I was waylaid by the occult…”

That’s one reason I went to the fair. Some of those newage babes are… Oh! She said waylaid!

“…and even when I was deep in it, I thought that somehow [God] was with me,” Auger says. “But still I was caught in a snare, and that is what the occult does to you. It blinds you.”

So here’s a question for all you Christians. If the occult convinces you that God is with you, and Christianity convinces you that God is with you, then how do you know you’ve made the right choice? If both appear genuine, you can’t know! You are spending your entire life and betting your eternal soul on a decision you are incapable of making.

Furthermore, it isn’t just palm reading vs. Bible reading. There are hundreds of flavors of Christianity; the followers of each are convinced that they have the one true interpretation. This is the ironic version of Pascal’s Wager. Even if you are betting right by betting on God, you’re almost certainly betting on the wrong version of Christianity and are just as damned as the goat-worshipers.

8 Responses to “Christianity is Real, Unlike that Fraud Jeane Dixon”

  1. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Dude poodles rock!! My in-laws have a miniature (that’s not the purse-sized Toy Poodle, for those unfamiliar, but it is smaller than a standard) and it is one of the most loving, sweet, and wonderful animals of any species (including human) I have ever met. I love that dog!

    She doesn’t have the retarded show poodle haircut though. So maybe that’s why she’s such a happy dog.

    Don’t abuse these poor sweet things by giving them the “poodle” haircut. Just… don’t.

  2. Ron Britton Says:

    I knew I’d get complaints about that. You haven’t known the poodles I’ve known. Don’t turn your back on it. You have been warned.

  3. Thomas Says:

    I’ve always been fond of the scene in the most recent movie version of Count of Montecristo in which John Caviezel is getting tortured and, when he appeals to god, his torturer says, “You cry out for god and if he shows up, I’ll stop.”

  4. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Usually when somebody is screaming about the occult, you think of Satanists and baby sacrifices and poodles (not poodle sacrifices, I mean poodles. Those things are nasty! Certainly the devil’s spawn if ever I saw it.

    You mean like this?

  5. Ron Britton Says:

    My point exactly.

  6. dvsrat Says:

    I’m not fond of the yappy little toy poodle but standard poodles are cool. Though they don’t use them as racing dogs standard poodles are fast. They can run as fast as greyhounds.

  7. Ron Britton Says:

    Standard poodles aren’t hellspawn.

  8. Steve Wiggins Says:

    Your photograph of Pat Robertson brought to mind a passage from Max Blumenthal’s Republican Gomorrah (highly recommended!). During an interview with Frank Schaeffer, son of Francis Schaeffer, the hippie guru turned wild apologist, Frank said his father believed Robertson to be “pathologically insane.” I had a hoot reading through how one evangelical dressed down most of the major players on the “religious right.” It’s a great book to lift your spirits when a Republican gets elected to public office.