Sadly, Yes, Glenn Beck is a Dildo

Glenn Beck (center) and two fans

[Update: Welcome to everyone coming over from Crooks and Liars! Why is it every time I write about dildos I get more traffic?]

Yesterday, I got a quick mention in Sadly, No! about an old wetsuit/dildo mishap. If you’re one of those readers, welcome! If you then came to this article in an attempt to find out what this site is about, you should know that I write about more than just dildos here. For example, today I want to talk about Glenn Beck.

OK, maybe I should rephrase that.

The story actually began two days ago. Since my bathroom is currently ripped apart and I’m replacing everything else, I decided that I might as well replace the toilet while I’m at it. I spent the last two evenings trying to buy a new one. But which to buy? There are far more choices than I imagined. Then there is color. The geniuses at Kohler decided not to use “white”. Instead, they call it “biscuit”. What retard names a toilet color after food? Now biscuits and toilets are forever linked in my mind.

Speaking of things that belong in the biscuit, Glenn Beck has a new book out. It’s laughingly titled Arguing with Idiots. When I looked at the publisher’s description on the Amazon page, this sentence jumped out at me:

Idiots can’t be identified through voting records, they can be found only by looking for people who hide behind stereotypes, embrace partisanship, and believe that bumper sticker slogans are a substitute for common sense.

Because if there’s anyone who’s stereotypically bumper sticker partisan, it’s the left:

Will someone PLEASE take out the trash?

What’s fun about books by wingnuts is reading the Amazon reviews. Let’s have a look!

This first one is my favorite. It’s written by Ashley H. Polikoff, who gives the book five stars:

hold off on all those book burnings! we got ourselves a winner!

all hail the lord. glenn beck’s gone done writ another one of these word things. he sounds reel smart-like. i aint heard of no one scorin all those touchdowns in an argument like beck did. no one arguin with an idiot like glen beck. he so smart an this book so great i took my 10 kids outta that communist factory and just school my kids at home with glenn beck. theys gonna know how to argue with them idiots… and satan. theys souls goin strait to united states of heaven.

OK, it lacks subtlety, but you have to remember the target audience. If it were more subtle, Glenn Beck’s fans wouldn’t realize they’re being skewered (although that would make it even funnier).

Here’s another five-star review; this time by Rayscann:

Got the new book today!!! SCORE!

Im soo happy I could get this book at a discount. I didn’t have much left after I bought my new TV over the weekend. An SSI check only goes soo far. Anyway I will start reading it after I pick up some groceries from church this afternoon. I hope they have pop tarts this week. People have only been donating stuff like mashed potatoes or tuna fish which are boring. This book should be cool. I can’t stand “commie-lib” big government. Its just a bunch of jerks who want to give our money to welfare cheats.

That one is a little subtler. I bet it fools a few teabeckers.

Here’s a one-star review by Robert D. Hodson Jr.:

Beck Fans Can Read?

I was really surprised to see this on the shelves. … I was surprised to see an actual book with lots of words printed with Beck’s audience obviously in mind.

In a five-star review written, I’m sure, without irony, Michael says:

Don’t let a good mind go to waste.

I found some other great one-liners in much longer reviews. Here are just the good parts of some five-star reviews:

Liberal will never be happy until they destroy this country.

Yes, sometimes it does feel like there is only one liberal in this country.

I have the Glen Beck Show on Fox News on auto-record on my DVR. I wouldn’t miss him.

Please combine that statement with your love of the Second Amendment.

WHAT OUR KIDS SHOULD BE READING IN SCHOOL

Yes, but rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?

James R. Holland gives the book five stars and writes:

Glenn Beck has been impersonating Paul Revere and William Dawes in order to warn the public of the approaching enemy. Now he is morphing from those Revolutionary War nightriders spreading the alarm to Thomas Paine the Revolution’s Pamphleteer.

That prompted L. Ripley to respond with this comment:

Hmm… morphing into Tom Paine? So Beck is opposed to organized religion, anti-death penalty, for progressive taxation, universal free education, Welfare, Social Security and the abolishment of private property rights? Wow; I did not know that.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this brilliant summation by Mick McAllister:

Glenn Beck is the NASCAR of television commentary: People watch in hopes of seeing an accident.

10 Responses to “Sadly, Yes, Glenn Beck is a Dildo”

  1. therealistmom Says:

    Hey now, dildos have a purpose and can bring pleasure, two things which cannot be attributed to Glen Beck.

    I did notice at my new job working for a certain retail giant (rhymes with Fall Smart) that the two books that were placed on the shelves so far in preparation for the new store opening were…

    Glen Beck’s “masterpiece”
    The second book in the “Twilight” series.

    Soon after came the section of Fundie inspirational books and assorted bibles.

    I just want to curl in the fetal position and cry.

  2. Steve Wiggins Says:

    Your comment about Kohler made me laugh. I worked for a school where one of the Kohler heirs was a trustee. As usual at schools with very conservative (religious and political) trustees, tensions ran high. One of my colleagues commented that he liked using the restrooms because pissing on the Kohler name gave him great satisfaction every time.

  3. Ron Britton Says:

    Steve:

    You would not believe how much time I’ve spent researching toilets in the last couple of days. Is there something wrong with this world when you can find a toilet forum on the internet? I don’t mean the mere fact that it exists. I mean the fact that so many people participate and are so passionate about the subject. (You might be pleased to know that Kohler toilets are largely despised by those who have opinions on such matters.)

    I spent a couple of hours writing this Glenn Beck article. Much of that time was reading the reviews on Amazon. I think I can justify that time, because I write this blog. I am warning the rest of you about this guy. But step back from that for a minute. I spent a couple of hours reading about Glenn Beck. This is why toilet forums are so important. They provide balance in your life. (and when Glenn Beck’s book comes out in paperback, I’m betting that the Toto UltraMax can take it!)

  4. Batocchio Says:

    Combing through Glenn Beck reviews, so we don’t have to!

  5. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Yes, a dildo is definitely more useful than Glenn Beck. I wish people who write ironic reviews wouldn’t leave five-star ratings, though. They skew the results (although I suppose with a book like this, it wouldn’t make much difference; the wingnuts will be out in force to support it, anyway).

    I just looked at the Toto website; it’s actually rather impressive. It appears they’ve managed to improve the technology significantly, merely by tweaking the design. I was in a friend’s house the other day, and I think they have the Dual Flush; the button configuration looked like the one in the picture. I tried both buttons (’cause no one was in there with me, and figured, why not?) and the “max” setting or whatever they call it was pretty powerful. Honestly, I don’t know now what we’ve been doing for 12,000 years.

    I’m friendly with an Orthodox rabbi and his wife. His 92 year-old mother lives in an apartment. Her toilets have electric pump motors that kick in when you flush (I don’t think the Totos do), to increase the water pressure. Consequently, she can’t flush on a Saturday; she has to have her live-in caretaker do it. Seriously.

    And they can’t figure out why I laugh at them.

  6. KennyCelican Says:

    An Orthodox friend of mine once commented that strict adherence to a set of rules can be a useful skill. There are times when you don’t understand the rules, but those rules are still important for whatever reason. Survival training and certain types of programming come to mind, but I’m sure there are other examples if you think about it.

    Then again, this was a friend who chuckled when it was pointed out that driving on Saturday would be automated blasphemy, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t qualify as a fundie…

  7. Ron Britton Says:

    Honestly, I don’t know now what we’ve been doing for 12,000 years.

    Six thousand years! We’ve only been doing it for six thousand years!

    BTW, that’s the real story behind Noah’s flood. God’s Kohler toilet backed up. That’s why nobody really knows what “gopher wood” is. It’s God’s floaters! Noah was making use of available materials. This can be confirmed because the Bible says that God told Noah to bring aboard “creeping things”. I’m sure you’ve had days where you’ve had “creeping things” and said to yourself “God! I have got to eat more fiber!”

    God's creation

    (Image from The Far Left Side)
  8. Lindsay Says:

    Some of those reviews are pure brilliance.

    therealistmom: I noticed the book front and center at Border’s yesterday as I went to get my copy of Breaking Dawn lol. No doubt Stephenie Meyer is a mediocre writer, but I can imagine next to Glenn Beck it looks like Shakespeare.

  9. Steve Wiggins Says:

    I hate to keep on the toilet thing, but it is now October, the official “Toilet Tank Repair Month.” Check out this for details. Keep up the good work!

  10. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Holy crap! (Pun intended.)

    That’s a real thing?