Fundie Taxonomy

Taxonomy is the science of classifying organisms. It’s how you end up with the scientific names for things, such as Canis lupus for the gray wolf, Desmodus rotundus for the common vampire bat, and Homo retardus for the fundie.

(BTW, the major levels are Kingdom, Phylum (for animals, but “Division” for plants and fungi), Class, Order, Family, Genus, and Species. When I was in school, they tried to tell us that the best way to remember this was with the mnemonic “Kings Play Chess On Fine-Grain Sand.” I thought that was a pretty crappy mnemonic that would be too hard to remember. I came up with a better one, which I use to this day: “Kinky Prostitutes Came Over For Group Sex.” Teach it to your kids!)

Here’s a weird fact that I never knew, but once you think about it, it would have to exist: Fundies don’t use our taxonomy. They can’t, because real (i.e., scientific) taxonomy is based on evolution. Instead, fundies use their own invention to describe the relationships among organisms: Baraminology.

Well, if you want to learn about Baraminology, the thing to do is go to the source: Conservapedia! Let’s “educate” ourselves by looking at their article on this subject:

Baraminology is the study of baramins, also known by the Biblical term kinds.

OOO!! “Kinds”! That’s so scientific!

A baramin is a lineage of earthly life which is believed by creationists to be created by God during the Creation Week…

Isn’t that on the Discovery Channel, right after Shark Week?

…and corresponds in some functional aspects to the secular concept of species. However, unlike species concepts that are based on Darwinian thinking, the baraminic barrier is inviolable, as baramins do not change into other baramins.

Because that would be evolution, and we all know that evolution is an atheist conspiracy.

The term baramin was coined in 1941 by Frank Marsh from the Hebrew words bara (create) and min (kind).

It was resurrected in 1990 by Kurt Wise for use as the unit of creation in his discontinuous biosystematical system. From this came the term baraminology.

What I find amazing is that they didn’t start using this until 1990. What did they do before that? Did they just use the scientific taxonomy? It also shows how active the creationists are these days. This isn’t some relic left over from the Dark Ages. Gangs of creationists are roaming the streets today thinking up stuff like this.

That same year at the Second International Conference on Creationism in Pittsburgh…

You mean there’s been more than one creationism conference? Since that was 1990, that could only mean that they’ve held many since then! (every four years, to be exact)

…Walter ReMine introduced additional sub-terms to help clarify baraminological discourse: holobaramin, monobaramin, apobaramin, and polybaramin.

Well, it must be a science now! They have lots of big words that nobody can pronounce!

Holobaramin: A Holobaramin is a grouping that contains all organisms related by descent, not excluding any. For example, Humans are a holobaramin, but a group containing only Caucasians and Negroes is not a holobaramin since it excludes Mongoloids and other races.

Holy crap! These retards are still using the long-discredited concept of “race”! Well, what do you expect from people who think that the Earth is only 6000 years old?

Race is a folk taxonomy. Trying to lump the full human genetic diversity into three arbitrary categories based on just a few superficial physical characteristics is ludicrous at best, and suffers from ulterior motives at worst. (For more about race, read this article.)

Another example would be Dogs, which is a holobaramin since wolves, coyotes, domesticated dogs and other canids are all descended from two individuals taken aboard the Ark, and there are no other creatures that are genetically continuous with them. This term is synonymous with the use of “baramin” above and is the primary term in baraminology.

This is the crux of it. This is the whole reason the fundies need their own classification system. They have to justify how everything is somehow connected to one of their favorite fantasies, the Flood.

It also shows the only form of evolution that fundies will cop to. Dogs can evolve from wolves (but then why are there still wolves?!), but that’s as far as it goes. I’m amazed that they even accept that much.

Monobaramin: A monobaramin is an ad hoc group of organisms who share common descent. Caucasians and Negros are a monobaramin….

They’re still stuck on the race thing. And which is it: “Negroes” or “Negros”? They’ve spelled it both ways in this article. I guess if your science is sloppy, your spelling can be too.

Apobaramin: An apobaramin is a group of holobaramins. Humans and Dogs are an apobaramin since both members are holobaramins. A group containing Negros and wolves is not an apobaramin since both members are monobaramins.

Don’t forget to use that other archaic term. If it’s one black woman and a wolf, you’re supposed to say “A negress and a wolf.”

Polybaramin: A polybaramin is an ad hoc group of organisms where at least one of the members must not be a holobaramin and must be unrelated to any or all of the others. For example: Humans, wolves and a duck are a polybaraminic group. This term is useful for describing such hodgepodge mixtures of creatures.

This is a drinking game, isn’t it? Every time you add another arbitrary term, you have to take a drink and repeat the whole list.

Archaebaramin: An archaebaramin is the originally-created individual(s) of a given holobaramin. For instance, Adam and Eve form the archaebaramin of the holobaramin of Humanity.

No. Adam and Eve form the fairy story of Humanity.

Neobaramin & Paleobaramin: A neobaramin is the living population of a given holobaramin, whereas a paleobaramin represents older forms of a given holobaramin.

Slow down! I’m drunk already!

Neobaramins have undergone genetic degradation from their perfectly created forms (archaebaramin) and so may differ from their paleobaramins in notable ways.

How convenient. Did you make this up to get God off the hook for Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, diabetes, etc.?

For example, the neobaramin of Humanity has a much shorter lifespan and greater prevalence of genetic diseases than the Human paleobaramin

You did! You just made that up to bury the inconvenient fact that your “God” created a flawed organism!

i.e. Adam lived for 930 years…

No he didn’t. You’re making an assertion here. Back it up.
1. Prove that Adam even existed.
2. Prove that he lived 930 years.

By the way, the correct Latin term to use in this situation is e.g., not i.e. If you can’t even get that right, how am I supposed to believe that you’ve gotten anything else correct in this article?

…and his children could interbreed without fear of deformity.

Aha! They admit it! It’s something that a lot of fundies hem and haw over. Whom did A&E’s spawn marry? They could only marry each other! (sick bastards!) So now they’ve invented yet another excuse to explain how that was possible! They have to keep inventing lies, each one to cover a flaw in the last lie.

4 Responses to “Fundie Taxonomy”

  1. The Watcher Says:

    You almost have to give ‘em credit…they sure do put a lot of work into creating their bullshit. But wouldn’t it just be easier to use real science instead of trying to invent your own branch of science from scratch?

  2. ericsan Says:

    Genetic degradation… Isn’t that also called a mutation? Which is at the root of… er… Evolution, maybe?

  3. Dawn Says:

    So I’m a genetic degradation? Funny, I just figured that as humanity discovered more, we were simply able to stop summing up every illness as a plague.

  4. LadyRavana Says:

    Oh God…this is frightening and yet…I couldn’t stop laughing at the commentary/snark.

    As Penn & Teller would say, Baraminology is Bullshit!

    Ooooh no, forget about actual facts backed up by proof! Noooo, the Fundies have to make up their own special brand of science.

    Man. I’m SO glad that this crap wasn’t taught to me in school. (Although if the Republicans are taught about “intelligent design” then it very well might be. Eeeek!) My teacher said she believed in creation, BUT she also said that overpopulation was becoming a serious problem….so, she was one of the sane ones. :p