California is Safe

Jimmy wanted to marry Superman instead

One nightmare scenario that was guaranteed to
happen if California had legalized gay marriage.

I got the above picture from Zaius Nation. On that page, he linked to a top ten list that has been floating around the internet. Now is a good time to reprint that too.

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Will Ruin Our Society

  1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
  2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
  3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
  4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
  5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
  6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
  7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
  8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
  9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
  10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

17 Responses to “California is Safe”

  1. Kevin Says:

    my god, we can’t let this happen!

  2. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Actually, to be fair, the people who are against gay marriage are also against nos. 5 and 9, but… yeah.

    Meanwhile, what kind of a mutant hybrid headdress is Superman wearing? That’s got to be offensive to at least several indigenous cultures at the same time.

    (BTW, Jimmy appears to have been working out!)

  3. Mike aka MonolithTMA Says:

    Too funny!

  4. Dawn Says:

    Sadly there are a lot of them that actually believe #6 as well, and I believe they’ll try to go after those marriages too if they succeed in preventing gay marriage from becoming legal.

  5. Scarlet Woman Says:

    I loved this. Thanks for the hard-hitting humor.

  6. Brian Says:

    In ten years I’m guessing most states in the union will be far more accomodating to gay couples, and the nation as a whole will shrug its shoulders and wonder what all the damn fuss was about. The last time I checked, Massachussetts hasn’t been made into the 10th circle of Hell yet. In fact, nothing of interest has happened in any gay-friendly state that would make Pat Robertson rub his hands in gleeful admonishment.

    Social conservatives (i.e. Christians) are plainly on the wrong side of this, and the longer they fight it the more people they’ll alienate. So to that I say, “keep it up”.

  7. Isabel Says:

    Here are a few more, courtesy of “Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs” from Facebook

    16. Gay culture is a new fad created by the liberal media to undermine long-standing traditions. We know this is true because gay sex did not exist in ancient Greece and Rome.

    15. There are plenty of straight families looking to adopt, and every unwanted child already has a loving family. This is why foster care does not exist.

    14. Conservatives know best how to create strong families. That is why it is not true that Texas and Mississippi have the highest teen birthrates, and Massachusetts, Vermont, and New Hampshire have the lowest. This is a myth spread by the liberal media.

    13. Marriage is a religious institution, defined by churches. This is why atheists do not marry. Christians also never get a divorce.

    6. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because “separate but equal” institutions are a good way to satisfy the demands of uppity minority groups.

  8. Penguinsaur Says:

    I’ve seen this posted tons of times, still haven’t seen the bigots refute a single point on it though.

  9. Another Steve Says:

    Please, Please, Please…A little warning next time. I now need to clean the coffee off my monitor.

  10. Bart v.d. M. Says:

    Might I add to #1 that there are of course no gay animals?

    (WARNING: That link goes to a National Geographic documentary showing gay animals having sex, so don’t click it if it somehow offends you.)

  11. Jeff Eyges Says:

    Do you think the fundies would mind if gay animals married one another?

  12. Bart v.d. M. Says:

    That makes you wonder: why does it matter whether homosexuality is natural if marriage itself isn’t natural?

  13. Ron Britton Says:

    Marriage was invented by God!

  14. Emily Says:

    Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

    Guess I’m not a Real American™ because I wear eyeglasses and am sitting at home on my polyester chair while the air conditioner is on full blast.

  15. Parrotlover77 Says:

    That video was awesome. It immediately went out in an email forward…

  16. Bacopa Says:

    Humans are much better hung than the average gorilla. Jimmy’s got a lot to offer Miss Kong.

  17. Dpp30 Says:

    Excellent! Now all we need to do is translate this into fundie language so they can read it too. I am guessing they speak a different language and that is why they don’t understand. I like to think humans are logical beings.