More About the Parents Who Won’t Give Up (Sex)

The Duggar family web site

That last post was too horrifying to not investigate further. Here are some more things I’ve found out about Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar and their sixteen children.

Go by the family web site, and the first thing you are hit with is this:

Our prayer is that all who view this site will realize that we are ordinary people with our individual weaknesses and imperfections but yet we serve an extraordinary GOD who delights in demonstrating His great power!

They want you to know right up front that they’re fundies. OK. It’s their site. They can say whatever they want on it. But what else does the site say about them?

Brains!!

Isn’t that what zombies eat? Christofascist zombies should be even more in need of brains than regular zombies.

Well, the very first link on the Duggar family web site is to their Favorite Family Recipes page. Scanning the recipes, I see that I’m mistaken. No brains anywhere (in fact, you’d be hard pressed to find evidence of brains anywhere else on the site).

OK. Let’s see what they really do eat. Tater Tots, Velveeta, ketchup—my, these people sure are white!

Smooooooth!

The next article is How do you make a household of 17 people run smoothly? It was clearly written before the most recent “bundle of joy” rocketed out of Michelle’s uterus (I hope the obstetrician had a catcher’s mitt). Let’s look at the very first paragraph:

Our #1 goal is to lead our children to seek a close relationship with God & give Him every area of their lives.

Translation: “Our #1 goal is to produce 16 mini-fundies.”

We purpose to start each day with a family Bible study, reading a chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the day of the month.

That first phrase doesn’t make sense to me. “We purpose to start…”? Is that some weird Middle English phrasing that you only see in the King James Bible?

We have heart to heart talks with each of the older children regularly.

The problem with this sentence is “heart to heart”. It’s supposed to be “heart-to-heart”. Hyphens, you see. They say elsewhere that they homeschool. If you’re going to homeschool, you should be qualified to do so! Learn the English language before you try to teach it to your kids!

We try to keep up with their attitudes & actions.

I don’t know how. You’ve got 16 of them. You know, if they wanted to, they could gang up on you. Tie you up in the basement. Take a road trip to Tijuana to see a donkey show. You’ve got to be careful. When they finally break out of that repression, it’s going to be like Hoover Dam has burst.

Proverbs

Anyway, one of the sentences in their opening paragraph has me greatly disturbed. Every day, the entire family gathers in whichever room of the house is large enough to hold them (or possibly in a Wal-Mart parking lot), and they read the chapter of Proverbs that matches the day of the month. Oh joy! There’s 31 chapters! That works out just ducky! That also must be pretty dull. Every month they’re reading the same tired old stories. Why don’t they mix it up a little bit and try reading the rest of the Bible?

OK, let’s find out what these people are reading. Let’s look at a few fun quotes from Proverbs:

…let her breasts satisfy thee at all times…
Proverbs 5:19

Remind the boys of that every time they go on a date.

Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.
Proverbs 7:18

Of course if a TV show had this scene in it, the fundies would have a conniption.

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Proverbs 13:24

I’m sure Jim Bob tells this to his kids frequently. How much do you want to bet that he believes in corporal punishment?

The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.
Proverbs 16:4

Nice guy. Let’s worship the guy who put all the misery in the world.

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
Proverbs 19:18

This gives Jim Bob another chance to remind his kids to behave.

The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.
Proverbs 20:30

This is how Jim Bob knows when he is done “educating” a misbehaving child. It’s like the pop-up indicator on a Butterball turkey!

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
Proverbs 22:15

Apparently children are born foolish, so you have to beat it out of them.

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Proverbs 23:13

I take it back. Apparently Jim Bob doesn’t need to look for the Butterball indicator. He has the Bible’s permission to flog his kids as much as he wants. It’s perfectly safe. (Reminder: I don’t know whether Jim Bob actually does physically punish his children. I’m just saying that these chapters give him permission. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him.)

Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
Proverbs 23:14

Well, this kind of contradicts the very last sentence. Maybe the kid will die. But that’s OK! He’s going straight to heaven! Maybe he’ll be one of the 72 virgins that are given to other believers.

A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool’s back.
Proverbs 26:3

Clarification of earlier memo: Not only is it OK to beat your children (who are born foolish), apparently you can beat anyone else that you think is a fool. And just for fun, you can also beat your horse (Just don’t beat your meat. That prohibition is mentioned elsewhere.).

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
Proverbs 26:11

My, what pleasant imagery! Can I put this scene into a TV show, or will the fundies get upset?

To have respect of persons is not good…
Proverbs 28:21

This might be one of Jim Bob’s favorite lessons to teach his children: Don’t respect other people!

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
Proverbs 29:15

In case you didn’t get the earlier memo, be sure to beat your kids!

A servant will not be corrected by words: for though he understand he will not answer.
Proverbs 29:19

If your slave burns dinner, don’t tell him to not cook it so long next time. Beat him!

I guess this passage means that it’s OK to own slaves. Well as soon as the fundies finish taking over the country, they can return America to God and repeal the 13th Amendment.

The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.
Proverbs 30:17

Jim Bob should tell the kids this and then let them watch Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. That’ll really freak them out.

Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
Proverbs 31:7

When a homeless guy asks you for some spare change, give it to him, but be sure to tell him that he can only spend it on alcohol!

Well, that’s enough hilarity for now. If I feel up to it, I’ll make some more fun of these people in a future post.

12 Responses to “More About the Parents Who Won’t Give Up (Sex)”

  1. Emily Says:

    I am by no means a fundamentalist and I probably wouldn’t lead the lives the Duggars live, but if they can financially support their children themselves and do not abuse them, I have absolutely no problems with them.

  2. D.R. Says:

    Would Emily have a problem with the fact that if everyone did what this family did, the need for natural resources would increase sixteenfold (eighteen if you count the parents) and the planet would be destroyed overnight?

  3. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Not just 18-fold, but 18 raised to the power of however many generations continue to have 18 children for at least 3 or 4 generations before the first generation dies off (which will be microscopic compared to the current population of JUST DUGGARS at that point). If each child has 18 and each child’s child has 18, they’ll have 5,832 great-grandchildren, 104,976 great-great grandchildren, 1,889,568 great-great-great grandchildren. And that’s all from ONE “patient 0” womb! Holy crap! The earth will be a big desert and lots of starving Duggars in 100 years. Duggar groupies don’t see a problem with this? Now let’s calculate deaths. At the great-great grandchildren level, Jim Bob and Womb will probably have died, leaving the Duggar population at only 104,974. At the great-great-great grandchildren level, so will the 18 original bundles of snot — er — joy, leaving the Duggar population at only 1,889,548. Thank God we have death to balance everything out and prevent overpopulation! Whew!

    I wish my 401k expanded like the Duggars.

  4. nancy dukewich Says:

    Whatever happened to zero population?!?!? Nature has a way of taking care of itself. There have been plagues that wiped out millions of people when the population got out of hand, and it will happen again.

    God also gave us brains, and it is apparent these two aren’t using them!!!

  5. Sue Blue Says:

    Jizz-Blob Duggar and his receptacle take their place among the world’s most prolific breeders — rats, cockroaches, and bacteria. And, just like their competition, they do it mindlessly, completely unconcerned about their impact on the world around them. They’ll keep doing what Gawd told them to do in Genesis — “be fruitful and multiply” — until nature intervenes. Hopefully, that will be soon.

  6. Sarah Says:

    Whatever happened to zero population?!?!? Nature has a way of taking care of itself. There have been plagues that wiped out millions of people when the population got out of hand, and it will happen again.

    God also gave us brains, and it is apparent these two aren’t using them!!!

    Nancy, you forget that people back then did not have access to modern medicine (Coughxproductofevolutionxcough) and the kinds of biological advancements that we have today.

    And the plagues were not ‘population’ control. That was just that particular bacterium or virus getting out of control…Now the control would lie in the mutations in people that allowed them to survive these epidemics and then pass on those genes to their kids who would be immune to the disease. The sickness would have less people that it could affect and in a sense, be controlled, but that’s natural selection.

  7. Deron Says:

    Howdo they pay for all these kids? The parents sound like publicity freaks. I feel sorry for these brain’washed kids. This soundslike some home grown occult. I hope the kids get into the real world and wake up to their parents crazyness. Good luck to the kids and shame on any one or any company that hands these two idiots money or free stuff. God had nothing to do with this insanity.

  8. Sharley Says:

    They ARE publicity freaks. They keep letting TLC in to film them–IIRC, TLC paid for them to go on vacation a few years ago. Jim-Bob claims he supports them all by selling real-estate, but that’s B.S. My mother-in-law is a successful real estate agent, and there’s no way in the seven hells she could support that kind of a family on what she makes. They’re getting paid to breed like rabbits.

  9. S. Says:

    Yes and Jim Blob seems to LOVE the attention!

  10. LadyRavana Says:

    I rather like calling him Jizz Blob m’self. 😉 More accurate.

  11. S. Says:

    that’s funny,I gotta admit.as well as ‘Jichelle’,his wife.and don’t forget his nubile sperm! LOL.

  12. Sarah Says:

    Oy vey…these are kinds of things that led me away from the Bible. There is just too much bad and not enough good to make up for all the slaughter, rape, and crime committed throughout its pages. I wonder how many times Jim has had to repeat old verses though? I’m sure he is censoring or changing all the bad parts, but still…the friggin book only has so many verses and how much can you learn from simply quotes alone?