John Hawkins Takes Conservative Douchebaggery to High Art

John Hawkins and the art of douchebaggery

Until now, I thought being a conservative douchebag didn’t require any real talent. It was just something that some people managed to do without thinking (since thinking, by definition, makes it impossible to be a conservative douchebag).

I was wrong.

I found an article by John Hawkins that is so brilliant in its douchebaggery that it achieves the level of art. It’s over at Clownhall, of course, and it’s called “20 Great Moments from Obama’s First 100 Days!” I’m especially impressed with his introduction:

Future generations will want to study Barack Obama’s presidency, not only because he made history by being America’s first black President, but because he also appears to be on track to be America’s worst President. Sure, everybody wants to know the minute details of what Abe Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt did in the White House, but how many Americans are clamoring for the full story of the U.S. Grant or Jimmy Carter presidencies?

That’s a shame, too, because those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it and it’s not certain that America could survive another incompetent of Obama’s caliber in charge — although, in all fairness, Rome made it through quite a few emperors who were probably only marginally more on the ball than Obama, so perhaps I’m being overly pessimistic.

In any case, one day` when future generations of Americans are studying chapters of their American history books like, “No longer a Super Power: The Long Slide Down” or alternately, “Why We’re Eating Our Own Shoe Leather Now,” I’d like to think that articles like this one will be helpful for them.

Seldom do you see such master brushstrokes from a great painter!

I wish I had the time to delve into his article in more depth. There’s more great writing throughout the article. But let me summarize just a few of the “reasons” Hawkins uses to call Obama the worst president:

  • Merely considering prosecution of Bush administration officials for torture. (Because it isn’t torture if the good guys do it!)
  • Releasing a report commissioned by the Bush administration that investigated both left- and right-wing domestic extremist organizations.
  • Trying to maintain some leverage for the moment over the banks that received billions in bailout funds.
  • Giving British PM Gordon Brown 25 Region-1 DVDs that he can’t play on his Region-2 DVD player. (And then, in a sweet ironic fail elsewhere in the article, Hawkins reveals that he doesn’t know the difference between a DVD and a DVR!)
  • Having the audacity to talk to unfriendly heads of state.
  • Interfering with the internal affairs of General Motors, even though we’re going to give them billions in bailout funds.
  • Trying to do something about global warming by considering a cap-and-trade program.
  • Giving a mistranslated button to Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov (Why this didn’t trigger WWIII is a miracle. Praise Jebus!).
  • Misreading a teleprompter.
  • Giving the Queen of England an iPod.
  • Closing Guantanamo Bay (Oh noes!!! Where will we torture now?).
  • Having the gall to admit that America is not a Christian country.

You really should read the whole article. It’s brilliant!

12 Responses to “John Hawkins Takes Conservative Douchebaggery to High Art”

  1. Parrotlover77 Says:


  2. YogaforCynics Says:

    Gotta say that the sheer desperation shown in the things right wingers criticize Obama for (his teleprompter?) and the ridiculous extremity of their reactions (secession, anyone?) really make me optimistic that the conservative movement may truly be in its last throes….

    Then, on the other hand, they were ridiculous BEFORE they dominated American political life for thirty years…

  3. 4ndyman Says:

    On the upside, even John Hawkins is optimistic that writers and editors (like me) will still have jobs when the Union finally falls! Someone has to write and edit all those history books showing how giving DVDs and iPods to foreign heads of state led to the downfall of Western civilization.

  4. Syl Says:

    Hawkins had to use a teleprompter misread, a common mistake no doubt, in order to fill a list of twenty things done wrong.

    Someone’s getting desperate.

  5. Brian Says:

    Until now, I thought being a conservative douchebag didn’t require any real talent. It was just something that some people managed to do without thinking (since thinking, by definition, makes it impossible to be a conservative douchebag).

    Precisely. Despite conservatism’s aimless bumbling of late, there are still a frightening number of people who identify themselves with these asshats. It comes as absolutely no surprise to me that virtually all of these same people are fervent, mouth-breathing Christians for whom the act of thinking rationally is akin to kicking Jesus in the balls.

    In a broad sense, I don’t think its unlikely that we’re on the verge of a national swing toward the progressive end of the spectrum that ought to last for several decades, at least. Really, what alternative do we have? Republicans have nothing to offer in terms of ideas or proposals, and only their most rabid constituents can’t see it. If Republicans are to regain the country’s trust at any point in the foreseeable future, they will, by necessity, have to be very different from the current crop of conservatives that excel so brilliantly at being so tone-deaf, out of touch and incompetent.

    This clown’s feeble screed against President Obama (I still really like the sound of that) is comedy gold. In fact, one might be tempted to call “Poe” on him. Its that good.

  6. no2religion Says:

    And just to illustrate the point that the GOP is sliding into a hell of their own making, Arlen Specter, R-PA switched parties because the GOP has been hijacked by the religious right.

  7. Liz Says:

    Hawkins seems painfully unaware of the large amount of multi-region DVDs on the market….

  8. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Yea when I heard Arlen Frickin’ Specter switched, I was like lolwut?! Then I checked my calendar and it was WELL after April 1.

    I don’t care of Specter never votes with his fellow Democrats (wtf? that just feels weird to type). Him switching sides shows how absolutely batshit insane the party is becoming. I don’t see this as an end of the Republican exodus. Although, quite frankly, I don’t want to see any more join the Dems unless they are going to vote more like a Dem. Doing so just waters down the party. More should join the libertarians or something, and make a play for the “not insane” major right-wing party.

    Part of the reason the Republicans are so crazy now is that they kept letting in insane radicals, like the Dixiecrats and the religious right. I don’t want to see that happen to the Dems because they let in too many moderate Republicans, effectively pulling the party further to the right.

    Besides, two (or more!) parties is a good damn thing. Single party states always tend to reach a pretty extreme level of corruption.

  9. Titanis Says:

    but because he also appears to be on track to be America’s worst President.

    On the other hand, Bush II set that bar REALLY FUCKING HIGH…

  10. dvsrat Says:


    I also had those suspicions of infiltration after I heard that — Mr. Specter, yes, that’s right, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, switched to the Democrat Party.

    What have they got up their sleeves?

    It’s dirty.

    I can feel it in my toenails — IT’S DIRTY.

  11. Brian Says:


    While I, too, don’t trust the Republican Party to ever do the right thing, (at least, not with the dickholes comprising it today) Specter has always seemed to me like a misfit who didn’t belong in their caucus. Yeah, on some issues he’s toed the party line, but more often than not he’s earned the coveted “R.I.N.O.” (Republican In Name Only) title from his more primitive brethren.

    Also, don’t forget that this was first and foremost an act of political expediency. He knew he couldn’t win over his ultra-conservative, stimulus-response far-right constituents in the primary, so he simply made a tactical decision. Sure, he can probably easily win the general election, but the point is moot if you’re not even on the ballot to begin with. If he truly feels that the Democrats align more closely with his own views, then I compliment his honesty. I doubt, however, that Pennsylvanians will be so generous next year. I don’t know who will be vying for the seat from the Democrats, but it’ll probably have to be a big name to have a realistic shot of upending Specter.

    One other thing: the fundies HATE him for being reasonable on social issues, so perhaps that tidbit might ease your concerns.

  12. Parrotlover77 Says:

    Spectre is certainly not an insane Republican, but he is much more moderate conservative than moderate liberal.

    All that being said, I hope he loses the primary by a lot. I’ll take his switch for the next year and change, but I don’t want him in the Senate after 2010.

    Unfortunately, big name Democrats (including Obama) have already indicated willingness to help him get re-elected. That’s fine, IF AND ONLY IF HE WINS THE PRIMARY.