John Hawkins Takes Conservative Douchebaggery to High Art
Until now, I thought being a conservative douchebag didn’t require any real talent. It was just something that some people managed to do without thinking (since thinking, by definition, makes it impossible to be a conservative douchebag).
I was wrong.
I found an article by John Hawkins that is so brilliant in its douchebaggery that it achieves the level of art. It’s over at Clownhall, of course, and it’s called “20 Great Moments from Obama’s First 100 Days!” I’m especially impressed with his introduction:
Future generations will want to study Barack Obama’s presidency, not only because he made history by being America’s first black President, but because he also appears to be on track to be America’s worst President. Sure, everybody wants to know the minute details of what Abe Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt did in the White House, but how many Americans are clamoring for the full story of the U.S. Grant or Jimmy Carter presidencies?
That’s a shame, too, because those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it and it’s not certain that America could survive another incompetent of Obama’s caliber in charge — although, in all fairness, Rome made it through quite a few emperors who were probably only marginally more on the ball than Obama, so perhaps I’m being overly pessimistic.
In any case, one day` when future generations of Americans are studying chapters of their American history books like, “No longer a Super Power: The Long Slide Down” or alternately, “Why We’re Eating Our Own Shoe Leather Now,” I’d like to think that articles like this one will be helpful for them.
Seldom do you see such master brushstrokes from a great painter!
I wish I had the time to delve into his article in more depth. There’s more great writing throughout the article. But let me summarize just a few of the “reasons” Hawkins uses to call Obama the worst president:
- Merely considering prosecution of Bush administration officials for torture. (Because it isn’t torture if the good guys do it!)
- Releasing a report commissioned by the Bush administration that investigated both left- and right-wing domestic extremist organizations.
- Trying to maintain some leverage for the moment over the banks that received billions in bailout funds.
- Giving British PM Gordon Brown 25 Region-1 DVDs that he can’t play on his Region-2 DVD player. (And then, in a sweet ironic fail elsewhere in the article, Hawkins reveals that he doesn’t know the difference between a DVD and a DVR!)
- Having the audacity to talk to unfriendly heads of state.
- Interfering with the internal affairs of General Motors, even though we’re going to give them billions in bailout funds.
- Trying to do something about global warming by considering a cap-and-trade program.
- Giving a mistranslated button to Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov (Why this didn’t trigger WWIII is a miracle. Praise Jebus!).
- Misreading a teleprompter.
- Giving the Queen of England an iPod.
- Closing Guantanamo Bay (Oh noes!!! Where will we torture now?).
- Having the gall to admit that America is not a Christian country.
You really should read the whole article. It’s brilliant!