Hop on the “Gay Marriage” Bus! Fundies Take It For A Long Drive

Baptist Press has released a long, omnibus article that summarizes all of this week’s “threats” to “real” marriage. In their article MARRIAGE DIGEST, they try to overwhelm us with all of the imminent perils. Let’s look at some of them and see how scared we get, shall we? This is more fun than a haunted house at Halloween! (but not nearly as scary as those fundie “hell houses”)

Dateline: Israel

Hey! Don’t mention dates! That’s how these homos met! Anyway, here’s some Baptist Press “wisdom”:

Israel registered its first “gay marriage” Jan. 29, two months after the nation’s highest court issued a landmark ruling for homosexual couples.
The November decision by the Israeli Supreme Court ordered the country to recognize “gay marriages” from other countries, such as Canada and Spain.

Don’t you love the scare quotes? They use it every time they talk about gay marriage. It acts as a signal to their sheeple so they know what to be afraid of. (BTW, I picked up the term “scare quotes” from Fundie Watch. If you aren’t reading it, why the hell not? Out of the entire blogosphere, it’s the blog that comes closest to this one in tone and temperament. The Watcher is my evil twin. Or maybe he’s the good one and I’m the evil twin. No, wait. We’re both evil!)

Although the ruling didn’t allow same-sex couples to get “married” within Israel’s borders, it nonetheless put the country at odds with other nations such as the United States and Great Britain, neither of which recognizes foreign “gay marriages.”

How does that put Israel at odds with the U.S.? Israel doesn’t marry gays, and the U.S. doesn’t recognize gay marriages (Massachusetts notwithstanding). Their statement doesn’t even make sense! Didn’t these nitwits ever take a composition class in college? Oh, that’s right. They all went to Baptist colleges, where all they learn is how to read the “approved” Bible passages and ignore the inconvenient ones.

Despite Israel’s conservative image, homosexual activists there have won significant legal and political battles in recent years. For instance, homosexuals in Israel can serve openly in the military. America’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prevents such open service, with U.S. military leaders saying open service would harm morale and cohesion.

Yet Israel doesn’t seem to have significant morale and cohesion problems, thus putting a lie to the whole excuse.

Dateline: Hawaii

Democrats in Hawaii’s legislature are hoping to pass a bill this session that would legalize same-sex civil unions, putting the state alongside Connecticut, New Jersey and Vermont. Democrats control both chambers. Civil unions grant same-sex couples the legal benefits of marriage.

Holy crap! (In case you’re wondering what holy crap looks like, I once took a dump that looked like the Virgin Mary. I thought about bronzing it and selling it on eBay, but I decided that it had work to do in the sewer system, saving the albino alligators’ immortal souls. That and the fact that I didn’t want to reach my hand into the toilet.)

As I was saying, holy crap! “Same-sex civil unions” gets past the fundie gaydar! They actually accept that term with out scare-quoting it.

Also, did you notice the subtle tarring of Democrats? The message is “Don’t be like those homo-loving Democrats. Only the Republican party is approved by your church!”

Conservatives call civil unions “marriage by another name” and say they’re another step toward the decline of the family.

I don’t know if it’s another step, but I know what the first step is: Fundies committing adultery at rates at least as high as non-fundies. Considering the number of fundies and the rates of adultery, more families are ripped apart by that than by any side effect of legalizing gay marriage (and as near as I can tell, if Adam and Steve down the street get married that it will in no way cause Ward and June to divorce.)

Dateline: Connecticut

Connecticut Republican Gov. M. Jodi Rell signed a same-sex civil unions bill two years ago, but she said Jan. 26 she’d veto a “gay marriage” bill if it passed the state legislature. Such a bill likely will be introduced this session.

I wonder if she did the air quotes when she mentioned gay marriage.

Dateline: Wyoming

The Wyoming Senate Jan. 31 passed a defense of marriage act by a vote of 21-8 that would prohibit recognition of out-of-state “gay marriages,” AP reported. The bill now goes to the House. More than 40 states already have such a law.

I wish I could make fun of this statement, but it’s quite sad. More than 40 states have recently enacted discrimination laws. Not anti-discrimination laws, as was the trend in the 1960s. Discrimination laws. Welcome to the fundie future.

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